Everything I know I`ve learned in the…soap opera

Aaaaaaah! There we go, this is life! Laying on the couch after a hard day`s work, light lunch and with a medium size of ice-cream box. The sun is still out and hot, the birds and the bees are feeling lazy but then again I am too.

Then, all of the sudden, I`m startled by a screaming children jamboree from the street:

Little girl 1 screaming: „Never!!! You will never see the child again! Do you get that???“

Little girl 2 yelling: „Don`t even think about it! Give it to me!!!“

Little girl 1 returns: „When I get back, I want ALL your stuff to disappear! Don`t want to see  your face ever again!!!“

Little girl 2 furiously: „Oh really! This is my house and my kid! And I`m not leaving anywhere!“

Little girl 1 explodes: „Get out of my face! I hate you!!!“

(..and then I hear a boom, than a bam followed by some strange squall and another loud bam)

Little girls 2 not bealiving: „Let me go! What are you doing?!?!?…Leave the child!!!!“

Little girl 1 in complete desperation: „ Nooooooooo! You can`t have it! It is mine!!!!!

Little girls 3, weakly: „Ahm…aaah…listen… I`m going home, may arms and legs hurt …See ya….“

What the hell?!?… – I`m asking politely the Little girl 3, the youngest among them. The kid looks at me with her last ounce of strenght and says that they are playing the divorce game….Excuse me???? You are playing what?!? Divorce? How do you mean divorce, what kind of game is this?!?

And here I have the child explaining me, The-ooooold-out-of-everything-cool-and-awesome-ignoramus, your`s truly, how the game goes:

–         Little girl 1 is the mother which have decided to get a divorce, the child, the house and the whole package;

–         Little girl 2 is the father who wants the child, house, and everything else too;

–         Little girl 3 is their child who`s been for the last 15 minutes literally dragged and stretched from the two belligerent sides, then thrown into a car, which all have blessed her with several bruises, joint pains and the ephemeral hearing problems…

Hm…Then I ask the child how in the world they have come up to the idea to play the divorce game and the child answers „We saw it in a soap!“ Aaaaaah, there you go! And we are nagging that the today`s youth can`t learn anything from staring into the tv box! Mea culpa, I whisper, returning into the well deserved isolation…

 

So…From my perspective, I can see that we are developing a complete new generaton which have already adopted a new standard of communication. The kids have learned what is normal and expected in the situations like divorce, relationships and the matters of a heart in general. If you don`t scream, threat or hurt somebody – this is just not it. Being civilized and respectful is just not the way.

A short one : turn of the tv! Let the children out, give them a good book, or at least change the channel to something which will broaden their horizons, knowledge, positive imagination and emotional freedom.

This one goes for the big ones, too. And don`t cheat! Give yourself something good, something priceless like…like your life with all the goodies to make you a even better, smarter and, by all means, a healthier person.

Don`t be an idiot

I know many people.

And every time when I think that I have seen it all, something somehow still may surprise me. Like for example, I was always wondering why do the manufactures put those silly warning labels on their products…until I actually met that…hmmm…interesing individuals that are not an urban legend. They do exist and yes, they really need that warnings.

 

Like the one on deep-frozen food. You know, it says something like „After defrosting bake for 5 minutes“. Which is common reason for most of the people. I mean, you won`t just defrost it and eat it, it is still raw for crying out loud! That is, you would think so… Some – won`t. I met a creature that actually ate it like that and declared „…well…it wasn`t sooooo good like they say…it was somehow…sluggish..“. Of course it was sluggish, it was RAW!!! When I asked her didin`t she at least see the warning, she said „Why? Who reads that?!?“.

Then you have that incredible warning on the iron. There you may read: „Do not iron clothes on body“. I mean, WHO irons clothes on himself?!? Well someone does. I`ve seen it with my own eyes. And she is not affraid of getting her skin burned, or thinks that it is stupid. Au contraire, she says that it is a very practical move. Ha!

But the thing that really got me thinking is the Cesar Millan show. There you may see the dog whisperer restraining various best friends, curs, bitches and doggies. In the show, on almost every „action“ scene you may read „Do not try this at home without professional help“ or something like it. And? I wonder how many people have taken this advice?

You see, I like dogs very much, but I never trust them 100% (this one goes for the people too). I don`t because every living creature can be pretty agressive and irrational when it feels insecure. With people it is manifestated on various ways, but dogs – they bite. Hard.

And they have the proper equipment too (except in the situation of doggy geriatric case, caused mostly by the tones of eaten kibbles during the years, these dogs suck, literally). And now you have, after the seen show, many venturesome heads, totally fascinated (and infatuaded, if I may say) who think that this is easy-peasy. Ha, piece of cake! Is that all that I have to do? So this means that all I have to do, when I meet an agressive dog, is to crouch, look to the ground and  reach my hand towards the dog! Isn`t this great or what! Fantastic!Simply…

People like this do not even think on the probable epilogue, that is on „I-crouch-reach-my-hand-and-finish-without-it“. Or the „I-crouch-and-the-sweet-little-rottweiler-jumps-on-my-throat“. How adorable! Ha!

 

And for that reason, I am thinking about a new educational campaign called „Don`t be an idiot!“. The targeted individuals would be all that overconfident types for which the game of  cerebral marbles is just too damn hard. The slogans would be „No, you really can`t do it“, then „You are not brave, you`re an idiot“ and „Only for the ones with the valid health insurance“.  Only then some of the ambitious will maybe stop BEFORE providing traumas to it`s family and friends. Before the story ends with stitches or that horrible solution  of dog putting to sleep. For some idiot`s fault, of course.

 

So this is why, in the Cesar Millan fashion, I whisper: ….look into my arm……..feel my energy…..this is not for you…this is not for you……….you are not the dog whisperer, you are number 87 in the emergency room....

 

Because we (and dogs) deserve it, vol. 23.

Sexual retardation

Like first, I`ve got to reveal a crucial information that for some idiotic virus I am spending my days laying, coughing, sneezing and driveling. And, I`m bored. I`m so bored that I tried watching ALL the channels trying to find something which will hold my interest for more than 7 seconds but so far nothing good came out of it. The delight of daily television is consisted of soap-trash from all part of the world, so that the only soap opera I haven`t found is the one about impossible love between a lovely girl from Uzbekistan towards a Kazahstanian shepard. Oh joy…

Anyway, I read the new book and decided that I don`t have anything better to do than to „travel“ through the web. And there….Oh revelation! I found a lovely little article from the group „How to be irresistibly sexy and drive the men completly wild“. Superb. Have you tried it yet? You haven`t? Oooooooh now it`s the perfect time! Go to the mirrow and experience these guaranteed advices. Maestro, drums please!

So, they say that the secret is in body language which you can easily learn. Once you master these skills, you will become the flirting guru followed by a mass of horny studs. Ready? Let`s do it.

 

1. First you have to lean your head a little. (that will give you the impression of curiosity)
2. Then you have to open your mouth and leave it that way (that will, so they say, create a truely sensual effect, but don`t exaggerate or you will look like you have facial paralysis)
3. After that concentrate on your eyes – blink slowly, but even then don`t open it widely but keep your eyes half-opened (ok, here you risk to cry your eyes out, like you are a part of some bad military experiment but….anything for beauty, right?)
4. To complete the impression, throw out your right hip and your left foot place forward simuntaniously turning your knee towards the inside (here be careful not to crash down and kiss the floor, trying to perform a triple axel because you will lose at least 10 points for the lack of elegance)

 

Theeeeeeeeeeere….

And now look yourself in the mirrow. Fantastic! You look like a true retard! THIS will guarantee you to drive any guy… away, as far as possible.

I just can`t help thinking that they are trying to idiotize us on every step. Including our sexual area.

And really, who is following these things?!? Anyone?

That`s why I seriously reccomend to avoid these „beneficient“ advices. Be who you really are. To paraphrase good old Hemingway – the secret of a charming and sexy woman is in the simple fact that she thinks that she is pretty. Whatever that beauty meant to her. At least then she is relaxed enough that she can think about sex at all and not on somebody`s distorted ideas. And they are twisted and distorted.

 

You are sexy. When you wake up, when you walk, when you talk, when you breath. Period.