Tag Archive: dogs


Damn Facebook. Beside all those silly informations that you get, like when someone woke up today, what did he/she have for lunch, I must also find out who is badly missing sex. Like I care. Like anyone does.

…but thinking about the known and unknown which publish on their wall things like „ha ha ha if only someone would do me“ or „I can`t wait to get it“, besides the gastrointestinal troubles, it have brought me straight down to some other fact: that types like that are actually rarely getting any.

The brief – excessive verbalism of sexuality leads to it`s exclusion.

Statement of grounds – some women, and men,when they hit their middle age (which come galopping, by the way) become insecure and for that reason they reach for extreme vulgarity when expressing sexuality.

Practical example: few years ago, I was working with an hm…lady (?!?), ok woman, for  which I still occasionally blush when I think of her. From that whole on her face called mouth were flying out such vulgarities that I, intonating I, was left speachless. And it`s not like I don`t swear. But with her I was feeling like a 13 year old girl which vexedly observes how her tities grow. You know the feeling.

Anyway, her expressions like „bite my c**t“ were actually very balmy and civilized from her point of view…And it`s not just the matter of personal culture of behavior. When you mix it with the feeling of reduced attraction to the opposite sex, you get a devastating cocktail that can be swallowed only by truck drivers.

The interesting thing is that the same type is often nagging how the opposite sex is, quoting „f***** up, they will only **** you then leave you“. Hm…oh really? What the hell did you expect?!? For crying out load, what were you thinking? And I don`t want hear those grand  speaches about emancipation, freedom and equality. It is simple, when you start with the conversation with „Sooooooo…who big it is?“ don`t expect that he will talk about his mother`s cookies and the height of the hedge of your future house!

Also, if you try this with the regular Joe and he backs off, or runs away, that doesn`t means that he is „totally gay“ because he doesn`t want to have anything with you again.

Get it already: if you act trashy, this is exactly how he is going to respond – he will dump you. Plain and simple.

 

The person for which I`m writting this didn`t have sex for some time now. Long time. She is in her late 30s, educated, quite attractive but she is always using sexual allusions talking to a man. The thing is that even if she gets a positive response, it is always coming from some neanderthal which is convinced to be the greatest stud who ever walked on Earth and functions by the laws of the Holy trinity: F******-Gorging-Sleeping.  And that, she doesn`t want. So deduces that all men are scum.

The thing that is missing to these women is simple: men WOULD. Fact of life. And because of it, there is no need to use that kind of amount of sex in the conversation. Playing cat and mouse can be more erotic, especially if you want something more.

But if you don`t – then don`t play around with the „Ho ho ho“ messages like a drunk Santa but take him by the hand and **** his brains out. And during THAT action THEN talk dirty to him. Knock yourself out!

Otherwise, zip it. To use the immortal words of Elvis – you ain`t nothin but a hound dog, cryin all the time.

That will do (you, him and the whole situation).

 

Because you deserve it, volume 24.

 

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Don`t be an idiot

I know many people.

And every time when I think that I have seen it all, something somehow still may surprise me. Like for example, I was always wondering why do the manufactures put those silly warning labels on their products…until I actually met that…hmmm…interesing individuals that are not an urban legend. They do exist and yes, they really need that warnings.

 

Like the one on deep-frozen food. You know, it says something like „After defrosting bake for 5 minutes“. Which is common reason for most of the people. I mean, you won`t just defrost it and eat it, it is still raw for crying out loud! That is, you would think so… Some – won`t. I met a creature that actually ate it like that and declared „…well…it wasn`t sooooo good like they say…it was somehow…sluggish..“. Of course it was sluggish, it was RAW!!! When I asked her didin`t she at least see the warning, she said „Why? Who reads that?!?“.

Then you have that incredible warning on the iron. There you may read: „Do not iron clothes on body“. I mean, WHO irons clothes on himself?!? Well someone does. I`ve seen it with my own eyes. And she is not affraid of getting her skin burned, or thinks that it is stupid. Au contraire, she says that it is a very practical move. Ha!

But the thing that really got me thinking is the Cesar Millan show. There you may see the dog whisperer restraining various best friends, curs, bitches and doggies. In the show, on almost every „action“ scene you may read „Do not try this at home without professional help“ or something like it. And? I wonder how many people have taken this advice?

You see, I like dogs very much, but I never trust them 100% (this one goes for the people too). I don`t because every living creature can be pretty agressive and irrational when it feels insecure. With people it is manifestated on various ways, but dogs – they bite. Hard.

And they have the proper equipment too (except in the situation of doggy geriatric case, caused mostly by the tones of eaten kibbles during the years, these dogs suck, literally). And now you have, after the seen show, many venturesome heads, totally fascinated (and infatuaded, if I may say) who think that this is easy-peasy. Ha, piece of cake! Is that all that I have to do? So this means that all I have to do, when I meet an agressive dog, is to crouch, look to the ground and  reach my hand towards the dog! Isn`t this great or what! Fantastic!Simply…

People like this do not even think on the probable epilogue, that is on „I-crouch-reach-my-hand-and-finish-without-it“. Or the „I-crouch-and-the-sweet-little-rottweiler-jumps-on-my-throat“. How adorable! Ha!

 

And for that reason, I am thinking about a new educational campaign called „Don`t be an idiot!“. The targeted individuals would be all that overconfident types for which the game of  cerebral marbles is just too damn hard. The slogans would be „No, you really can`t do it“, then „You are not brave, you`re an idiot“ and „Only for the ones with the valid health insurance“.  Only then some of the ambitious will maybe stop BEFORE providing traumas to it`s family and friends. Before the story ends with stitches or that horrible solution  of dog putting to sleep. For some idiot`s fault, of course.

 

So this is why, in the Cesar Millan fashion, I whisper: ….look into my arm……..feel my energy…..this is not for you…this is not for you……….you are not the dog whisperer, you are number 87 in the emergency room....

 

Because we (and dogs) deserve it, vol. 23.

That was the exact messagge that a friend of mine got to her cell the other day. Incredible but true. It`s poetic and sensitive author is still unknown. Fortunatelly. Hoping that he will remain the mistery…Unbealivable.

We loughed about it but then the other friend asked „No really, why is it so complicated? You know, to get some.“. Hm… Actually,  it IS complicated.

For example, watching and the listening the frustration of one of my she-buddies last Saturday, let`s call her Maya, that „light sex“ is a highly complicated operation which requires several years of trainning and a master`s degree. Anyway, Maya discovered a guy close to the bar.  At first he was standing alone but after some 10 minutes or so, he was granted with a female company. Which was his…friend? Girlfriend? Wife? Sister? Neighbour? Cousin?!?!? Hell, she could be anything! She was leaning on him every now and then, but we weren`t sure if it was for the loud music, affection or for something completly different. So, Maya started to observe his body language. He was…he was…looking at her, every now and then, but most of the time he was staring into a nice small spot in the wall. Is he shy? Not interested? Gay? Drunk? Or just stupid?!?

Wanna know how the epopee finished? After almost two hours of blinking, dashing, smiling and God-knows-what, she gave up. Walked away mad as a dog.

What she was supposed to do, she asked, send a memo?!?

It would be much easier if we could just sniff each other`s butt, like dogs,  and automaticaly know – in or out. Like me or like me not. Some time ago, one company have actually started to sell parfumes with pheromones convincing the people that it really works. According to them, all you have to do is just to spray yourself with it and you will get them all. Opposite sex, same sex, dogs, flies, giraffes and penguins. No matter how you look, if you`re dumb as a log, irritating as a brasilian killer bee, with pheromon spray everything is easy peasy. Which turned out to be total bullshit. Obviesly.

But sex is a powerful marketing agent, it can sell you almost anything. Making you forget one simple thing – it`s about you. And how much, and if, another person is attracted to you.

If somebody is into you, he will show it. He may be shy, he may be totally gooffy, the one that trips and falls every 5 minutes, he may be cocky, arrogant and selfabsord, but he or she will show it. He or she will find the way. And you will know it. There is no room for doubts.