Tag Archive: funny


You see a cute little top. Not too pricey. You realize they are selling it in many colors. Fabulous! Then you start thinking how great it will look with your summer jeans. The fabric on the picture looks amazing, it’s falling exactly as it should. Oh, and you bought that charming bag at the end of the last summer which would be perfect in that combo! Yeah, that’s your look for this year’s hot summer days.

But then you stop. You remember that you can’t fit in those jeans anymore. And you tried. God knows you tried. You’ve been pulling holding your breath until you almost fainted, tried lying on your bed, cursing yourself and all those pastries you had in the past few months. Sooooo, the cute top is off.

Then you remember your feet. It’s their grand opening, they have to look good. Real good. You take the cautious look and… No, that is not flattering. You should really get right to it. And what happened to your waist? Where did it go? Just vanished, without a simple “off for holidays” or “call me if you need me” note. Looking at your wardrobe you realize that ALL of your clothes are meant for somebody thin, not you. What the hell are you supposed to wear this summer?

And then you see all those memes “yay, the summer is here!” and you want to punch all of their smug faces. Or at least move to Island for the next three months. Which turns out to be a bad idea because apparently, Island is not giving the seasonal asylum to appareallingly challenged.

You’re left with no choice, stuck here with all your micro clothes. Thinking if someone will call you to a toga party.

Because you deserve it, 177. Summer is coming

 

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So, I`m standing in a line at the post office, patiently waiting for my turn and minding my own business. Suddenly I hear a quarrel and the woman in front of me storms off angry as hell.

“Did you see that?!” the clearly surprised and offended bank employee asks me behind the counter.

“Ahm, actually… No. Not really.” I reply, hoping that she won`t drag me into her own personal drama because I already lost half an hour standing there. As it turned out – I was wrong.

“All I did was to congratulate her on her pregnancy! How in the hell should I know that she`s just obese?!” – the woman continued clearly upset.

Aaaaaaand that was it. I could, heavens know I could zip it, ignore it and do what I was supposed to and get the hell out of there. But no, for some reason, I decided to open my mouth and reveal to her my point of view.

“Well, for the sake of argument, let`s say that I congratulate you know for being blessed. How come you are obviously not, the only logical explanation is that you are fat. Now, tell me, would that be a compliment or would you spend the whole day nagging and cursing?”

There she is, looking at me, not sure should she punch me in the face, throw a stapler at my reasonably big head or argue with me too. Honestly, it looked like a scene from a spaghetti western. You could almost hear Good, Bad and the Ugly soundtrack.  And then she decided, wisely, if I may add, to just sigh and say:

“You people are all so unreasonable…”

I had a friend with the similar situation – some girl she hasn`t seen in years told her “Oh my God! You are pregnant!” At the time my friend was on some insanely hard diet, trying to chase away the extra pounds, tormented by hunger and those skinny jeans that look good only on the window shop dolls. She was hurt by those words. So hurt that she started crying in the middle of the club.

Then when about those nasty bladder infections? I don`t know about you but during it, my tummy has a life of its own – it grows in all directions. Before that event, it never occurred to me that someone may think that I got pregnant.

The thing is that I don`t think that that girl or the woman in the post office wanted to be mean. That was just plain stupid. Inconsiderate and dumb. And in the end, why in the world would someone else be bothered by the size of your stomach? Why would they even care? The answer is – maybe not intentionally, but they are still proud on their flat tummy. So damn proud that they will use every possible situation, not even thinking about, to show to the world that THEY are the proud owners of a nice flat belly area. And you are not.

Honestly? I dont mind to have it unless it really starts to mess with my clothes. You know the situation; you really want to go to work in that pair of pants but somehow they refuse to collaborate and let you in. I love to eat. I really truly enjoy every bite. And I have a love-hate relationship with my scale. Usually, I swear it, get angry and ignore the damn thing for weeks. Then, after the loud argument with my favorite pants, I humbly get back to the scale almost praying to find a revelation that I haven`t climbed for few more pounds. And almost every time the scale starts to laugh frantically and I march away from it.

But does it matter? No.

I’ve spent years in dieting, almost died in a gym, (well, it felt like it) and spent money on several magic potions. And yes, I lost few pounds, then started to eat again and after it, I was right at the start. I really hope that I won`t allow myself to turn myself into a whale one day, but after all those years I came to the conclusion that my quality of life and how much I enjoy in it is what is important.

Not the size, not the weight, and definitely not random strangers and their opinions.

And that should be the motto of all of us.

In my world, the only blessing I need is my personal happiness. And I do hope that it’s yours too.

Because we deserve it, 174.

 

 

Lazy afternoon on the couch. Thinking about… nothing. And it`s glorious. As soon as I start to move for another finely tuned loafer`s position the phone starts ringing.

Me: Hallo?

Him: Well hello! How are you ?

Me, peskily for not having a clue who`s the owner of the voice: Oh, I`m fine. How are you?

Him: Well not so great. You see I have a problem and I think that you may help me with it.

Me: Ahmmmmm….OK… What is it?

Him, with a heavy sigh: How to start… OK, you know how they say that the poison is always kept in small bottles?

Me: Aha…..? ….(Poison? What poison?!?)

Him: You see my daughter has a friend. She, my daughter I mean, is very tall but her new best friend is quite tiny.

OK, there is something so weird here. Who is this guy and what the hell is he talking about?!?

Then he said: Small yes but that girl is so…. malicious. My daughter use to be so sweet and caring and she…

Me: OK, OK…Sir? Can you please tell me with WHO you wanted to speak in the first place?

Him, surprised: With you of course!

Me: I`m not sure….Sir, are you sure you have the right number?

Him: Of course I do! Where was I…ah yes…Anyway, she met her about 2 months ago and my wife started to realize that…

Me, much louder: SIR??? Please! Listen to me! I really bealive that you got the wrong number! Who were you calling?

Him, offended: The Youth Counsel Centre!

Me: OK, that explains it. You got a completely wrong number! This is definitively not it.

Him: Oh!… Oh, I`m sorry…I was convinced…I`m really sorry.

Me, more relaxed: That`s OK. It is easy to press just one wrong key to…

Him: I am really sorry but you have such a calming, soothing voice. You should work as a therapist!

Me: Thank you but I bealive it`s a little too late for that. Well, I hope that you now dial the right number and…

Him: Oh I really mean it! Have you thought about it?

Me: No, not really. OK, I wish you a good day!

Him: No, no thank you and I apologize once again.

Me: It`s alright. Bye!

And you know what is the completely weird part? That evening I`ve looked for the phone numbers of the Youth Counsel Centre, and I mean all the numbers, and not one is even close to mine. So what the hell was that?!? But let`s look on the bright side – I have a soothing voice, said the man. So it must be that my new hobby is an amateur teen guiding.

Because me, my voice and my phone deserve it, vol. 77.

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