Tag Archive: freedom


The (im)perfect me.

We all like to think that we are decent persons. We may say to ourselves that maybe we are not perfect (but then again – who is) and that there is no major thing that we should change in our charachter, peronality and behavior.

I don`t know how about you, but through the years I have found (and still finding) some things that were needed to be changed, not just because of my close ones, but primerly for myself. Because it was, and still is, the right thing to do. Because I am feeling better with myself and with the world around me.

 

Just as an example, once, some years ago, I was invited to a dinner party. A good friend of mine was celebrating a birthday and among few of us, his daily musketeers, meaning my ex boyfriend and myself, there were also few people which I didn`t know and which were school friends of my ex and the birthday boy.

Well, they came, sat down and started to chat jocundly.

I say they because I was not.

I was sitting in silence for about half an hour, just listening and observing, and then I started to feel bad. Real bed. Why? Because I was feeling excluded, ignored and in every way erased. As the time passed, I was feeling more and more offended, angry and furious. Nobody was paying attention to me. Nobody was talking to me. Not even the one it should, like my ex. Of course, he was the worst possible companion at the time, not even introducing me, but his bad manners weren`t actually the problem – I was. I was on a party and should be having a good time.

And then, all of the sudden, sitting there, offended like a 16 year old southern belle, it hit me. I was just like my grandmother. Oh no, no, no, no… How could it be?!? I just can`t… But yes, I was…… Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!! What the….????

 

You see, I come from a long line of divas. The ones that must always be the centre, the ones which opinions and needs are always the most important. And must be obeyed or the whole world becomes a dramatic circus. And it looks like that without even knowing it, I was carrying on this „respectable“ flag of selfishness, „spoilness“, egocentrism and sulkiness.

And again, Jesus Holy…

Is this me????? I am really like THAT?!? Well, it sure looks I am. Yes, it is twisted, it is very unhealthy and it is unbearable. Why in the world would I be that kind a person?!? I have a choice: or to be mad at the whole world or the enjoy it.

And just like that, I was calm. Surprised for the epiphany, but I was feeling OK. It was a good liberating feeling. I introduced myself (no, that poor soul of my ex haven`t done a thing the whole evening to interconnect anyone because empathy just wasn`t his thing) and started to enjoy myself with others.

 

What`s the moral of the story? Well, like first, if you want to change someone else – think again. It is very hard to change ourselves, not just because we are creatures of habits, but because the most difficult thing is to admit that we have a malfunction in the first place. And more I`m getting older, I found things about me that are actually preventing a good start for being fully happy and content. And there is no one to blame but me.

Ain`t that fabulous! I can change things! By myself! Yippeeeeeeeee!

 

All jokes aside, growing is a process which doesn`t stops at any age. You have always some „little“ thing which you can do better or in a different way. It is sometimes very hard but it gives you the world. Your own world. The one which you can paint with your own colours.

 

 

And why we would do that?

Because we deserve it.

 

(yours truly, the ex 16 year old brat)

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Have someone ever called you a cold selfish ….? And why is that?

 

A friend of mine called me yesterday very upset because someone is very mad at her. That certain someone is sick.The problem is that he stopped taking medications 3 years ago and, even more, he is not taking care of himself in any term, drinking a lot and doing nothing to help his body and mind. Now, that friend of mine was always there for him, day and night, in all the ways she could think of. She`s got lots of problems too, but she gave her best to the Sick one. And she had it yesterday. Because what is the use to try to ease someone`s life if that someone won`t help himself in any way?

I have backed her up. I have totally backed her up.

 

You see, I was the „duty officer“ almost all my life. The one which has the obligation to be at disposal 24/7. The needs of others were always before my own because that is the way they taught me. Until one morning I saw that all of them have a life, a relationship, a marriage, children and a carieer and that I was left behind. Without any of that. Because my family role was to make sure that all of them get what they need. And the trick is that you are never good enough in anything you do and whatever you give is insufficient. It is the endless pit.

 

Oh yes, I tried to argue, trying to explain my position, telling that even the Constitution gives me the right to work at least, for crying out loud, but it always ended with big scenes and the  accusation qouting „How can you be so selfish? Poor Mary/John/Maria/James/Lily/Robert/Lind/Shaniqua/Mumtembe Kurtungue/ Changchang Li.…(please continue the queue, any name will do)…needs that!“. Oh really? And what do I need? Do I exist as a living breating being at all?!?

So I`ve decided that I will be just like that – selfish, whatever that would mean.

Yes, if someone of them really needs the help I am still here, but I won`t waste my time and energy on something like „Call the library and ask them if the new S.E. Phillips book have arrived. And do it now! Mary/Jane/Linda… is waiting!“. And why in the hell wouldn`t she pick up the phone and call herself?!?!? And that kind of irrelevant stuff, you know the drill.

 

So for it, I have decided to draw a line. A proper border, to be more specific. Here is your teritory, there is no man`s land, and there, you see, is my teritory. Anything to declare? No? Are you bringing anything which may be harmful to the Aqualand or it`s residents? Like everlasting guilt, constant accusations, insults or total disregard? No? OK then, enjoy your stay and remember to respect the enviroment. We are very proud of it, our high peaks and deep waters are beautiful but also very sensitive to pollution. Of any kind.

And oh yes, please make sure to be always properly dressed; this way up north the winter comes suddenly and you don`t want to get frozen or to be find under the avalanche for being careless, do you?

 

Respectufully,

 

your border guard Aqua.

 

Because I deserve it, 39.

I feel it. It`s happening again…

Still don`t have any tactile proof but all requirements are here.

First to introduce myslef – I am Aqua, an ex notorius troublemaker alibi.

Want to escape from your one and only, every now and then, to get wasted so much you can barely walk, come home at completly unapropriete hour, and still get away with with it?

Then blame it on me!

It`s easy, just say „I was with Aqua“ or „I run into Aqua and you know how she is, she won`t let you go after only one drink…“. There, everything solved. Just like that.

How it works? Simple, get loved, or just liked even, by your friend`s best half, get her/his trust as a decent well-behaved person but who likes to go out much and whenever you feel to break up your daily routine and get a little impish – come home and say you were with me.

Yes, you will make me curse you for a while because I really don`t want to remember all those dates when I was supposed to be partying with you, but I am your favorite and always efficient alibi. Your best half knows you won`t get in any trouble because I like pure clean fun. I will dance, lough, talk and have a drink or two…(or 3, 4, 5…:-p). But that`s it. No funny buisness.

 

No, really, few years back, I was going out much, didn`t have so much responsabilities, and you could meet almost everywhere. In clubs, concerts, bars, somewhere miles from civilisation just walking and admiring the nature, …Well, the last one I still do but partying… Let`s say that now you may see me in a club 3-4 times tops per a year, having a cup of coffee in a nice cozy place and sometimes you may see me on those few interesting exhibitions you may find. Not a perfect alibi maker anymore.

Yes, I was following Lenny Kravitz`s state of mind with that „dancing till dawn“ and I was using it the best way I could. (I was always joking with my One and only that he doesn`t knows how to go out and that I don`t know how to come home when I do). But, like I said, I had it and now I enjoy the calm harmony.

 

But…yesterday I got a message on FB from a friend of me, qouting „We have to talk, in private“. I know that she`s been going out solo for past few months, because her spouse was working, was tired, didn`t feel like partying…. And when I asked her, few days ago, when I can expect the two of them to come and see our new shiny apartment (let me brag a little) she started to shrik in a way letting me know, between the lines, that we shouldn`t contact or see her best half for now. Which is strange because her lovely Mr.D is somehow introvert and the two of us are almost the only people he wants to spend time with. Hm…

 

Me don`t likey. Don`t get me wrong, I am the first who will tap someone`s shoulder for doing something good for him/herself no matter what the rest of the world will think but this.. Looking it from the perspective of these few months, I kinda got a feeling that she has done, or doing, something really wrong. And I won`t surely be a part of that. I like that man, he is a good quality man, which I would reccomend to any woman. He is kind, romantic, strong, funny and she can always count on him. Best example: she knows to get crazy with shopping clothes and the thing makes him smile, just because it makes her happy. Now how often you meet that kind of man?!?!?

 

After all these years, I`ve come to conclusion that we shouldn`t do anything which we can`t tell our best halves. If we can`t, then we know that it will hurt that somebody, which is just wrong. (lying or deceiving is not an option for me, it takes too much energy and I really like to feel free, not tangled in anything). Or even worse, if you can`t tell it to your best half, maybe you are deceiving yourself, spending your time with a person which is clearly not for you. Don`t know which is worse.

 

So, now I am expecting. Will she or will she not ask me to cover her. Me, the troublemaker`s alibi. And I hope that she won`t. I hope that she will come out with the truth.

 

Because I (and everyone else) deserve it, 39.