Tag Archive: freedom


Isn`t it beautiful when people fall in love? You remember, the butterflies in your stomach, the sparkling energy which you generate like a smaller nuclear plant, the joy you want to share with the whole world. And of course, the changes you make to yourself – taking more care of your appearance and even polishing your little possible flaws. You know, like saying you absolutely love how your chosen one enjoys football. Everything just to be more likable to the object of your infatuation.

And like they say, it is all fair in love and war. Well, at least until that love really grows into a war.

Robert was a fairly reasonable guy, but 10 years ago he met Diane and deeply fell in love. The feeling was so strong that he couldn`t wait to marry her. She was the one, the perfect one for him. So only 5 months after, they organized a small ceremony and exchanged the rings in front of the family and close friends.

But what Robert didn`t expect is that his loving Diane has also brushed her character flaws and interests. Just like he did in the beginning. Time was passing by slowly, discovering how different they really were. He really enjoyed in martial arts, becoming a real sensei as the years passed by, and she hated the physical activity so much that his enthusiasm made her hate herself. He enjoyed literacy so much that he started to write himself, while she spent her time watching the soap operas every afternoon. Robert adores children and started to feel quite unhappy realizing that Diane wouldn`t even think of having them. While his spiritual side is something he cares about, Robert led his life just trying to be a good person, but without visiting the God`s house. Diane, on the other side, found that she liked going to church a few times a week. And resented him for not going with her. The list goes on and on.

So they decided to split. For good. Before the hate becomes their only mutual connection.
All this time, the whole 10 years, Robert hasn`t said a single ugly word about Diane or their life. Not to her, not to anyone else. His parents thought him that being a good man means also to be kind and civilized and to always defend your family. And for long ten years, Diane was his family.
A month ago, my phone rung. I answered and heard:

„I did it! I finally did it!”, Robert yelled on the other side. „The marriage is over, we signed the papers and I said it!”

„Said what?”, I asked, completely confused.

„I said: Diane, %#& you! Did you hear? %#& you, Diane!”, he shouted.

„Ahm, I`m sorry, what? What`s the big deal?”

„Because now I can finally say what I feel!”

As it turned out, through all those long years, he never came even close to say what he really thinks or feels. He didn`t allow himself to do it. When I asked why he kept quiet, he said that it wasn`t appropriate. To swear in front of his own wife. Because, according to him, he didn`t want to hurt her feelings. Like the divorce wouldn`t.

We are talking about the freedom of speech, but forget to take that right in our own intimate universes. It is important to say it, to express our feelings and elaborate our stands. Even if it`s a bad and ugly word.

So take that right. Say it. Just let it out. Maybe it`s not appropriate all the time, but sometimes that one word means freedom. For your close ones and for yourself. And maybe that ugly word will give the future to your whole life story.

Because you deserve it, dammit, vol.197.

from the bottom of the heart

 

 

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QueenThere was a time when she would wait for his call. The same call which would mean that He is on his way. His arrival was always something special: flowers in his hand, a nice dinner, lots of laughs, and pretty good sex. She loved the way he was looking at her with those deep brown eyes, always hiding a spark of something unsaid. He was polite, kind and thoughtful. And distant.

Yes, distant. At first, she was sure that it was just a result of physical distance. He lived in another city and they didn’t have the luxury of everyday things, like a simple afternoon stroll in the park. And she didn’t mind, not really, thinking that these are the perks of the long-distance relationship – every date and every weekend are special. But a year passed. Then another. Their third anniversary came so quickly that it surprised even her. But after four years, she found herself thinking. Will they ever be a normal couple?

She started noticing all those sometimes happy and sometimes miserable couples on the street. Especially the last ones. They were important because they had a privilege to get into a fight, to get bored with each other, to have to luxury of experiencing dirty socks tossed away on the bedroom floor. It made her restless. So she started to count – they were seeing each other twice a month, sometimes less, most of her nights were made of the lonely evenings in front of the TV and emptiness of her own bed, her friends were talking about their children or the quality of their dates… All in all, her list was sad. Empty. Like her.

They say that longing is a good thing only if it’s short. If it grows, it becomes a frustration. And that’s exactly how she felt, frustrated and disappointed. So next time when they met she started The Conversation. Trying to find out will they ever have a future in which they will occupy the same place and time. That time he didn’t answer. After two weeks, she tried again. And again. He was polite, but he always managed to avoid the answer. And then she had it. She got mad and asked him directly. And he finally gave her his stand – he felt that their thing was perfect. He didn’t have the need to make it “common”, as he underlined it.

She wasn’t shocked. Not even surprised. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. So she gave herself little time to think about how much is she afraid of loneliness. And it turned out that she wasn’t scared at all. How could she, after all, she was practically alone all those years. The decision was made, she called him and said what she had on her heart. Strangely, he was surprised. It turned out that it never occurred to him that she is not happy with their relationship. And they split. Oh, he called few times, he even came one evening holding roses in his hand, trying to convince her that their thing was special.

But she didn’t buy it. Actually, she felt deliberated. She realized that all those years she was carrying an anxious lump on her chest. That every evening in the front of her TV she was waiting for his call or even just a short text. Her time was her own. And it felt great. She felt great. Finally free. She wasn’t Miss Lonely Waiting, she became Liberty from the House of Solitude. The great large house where she was the ruler.

It’s been a year since the coronation. And she still feels the happiness of her independence in every second of every day. Maybe someday a prince will arrive. But then again, maybe it would be better if he didn’t. Her reign is strong and beautiful and now it would take a really special knight to fight for his place by her throne.

Because she deserves it, 175.

 

The (im)perfect me.

We all like to think that we are decent persons. We may say to ourselves that maybe we are not perfect (but then again – who is) and that there is no major thing that we should change in our charachter, peronality and behavior.

I don`t know how about you, but through the years I have found (and still finding) some things that were needed to be changed, not just because of my close ones, but primerly for myself. Because it was, and still is, the right thing to do. Because I am feeling better with myself and with the world around me.

 

Just as an example, once, some years ago, I was invited to a dinner party. A good friend of mine was celebrating a birthday and among few of us, his daily musketeers, meaning my ex boyfriend and myself, there were also few people which I didn`t know and which were school friends of my ex and the birthday boy.

Well, they came, sat down and started to chat jocundly.

I say they because I was not.

I was sitting in silence for about half an hour, just listening and observing, and then I started to feel bad. Real bed. Why? Because I was feeling excluded, ignored and in every way erased. As the time passed, I was feeling more and more offended, angry and furious. Nobody was paying attention to me. Nobody was talking to me. Not even the one it should, like my ex. Of course, he was the worst possible companion at the time, not even introducing me, but his bad manners weren`t actually the problem – I was. I was on a party and should be having a good time.

And then, all of the sudden, sitting there, offended like a 16 year old southern belle, it hit me. I was just like my grandmother. Oh no, no, no, no… How could it be?!? I just can`t… But yes, I was…… Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!! What the….????

 

You see, I come from a long line of divas. The ones that must always be the centre, the ones which opinions and needs are always the most important. And must be obeyed or the whole world becomes a dramatic circus. And it looks like that without even knowing it, I was carrying on this „respectable“ flag of selfishness, „spoilness“, egocentrism and sulkiness.

And again, Jesus Holy…

Is this me????? I am really like THAT?!? Well, it sure looks I am. Yes, it is twisted, it is very unhealthy and it is unbearable. Why in the world would I be that kind a person?!? I have a choice: or to be mad at the whole world or the enjoy it.

And just like that, I was calm. Surprised for the epiphany, but I was feeling OK. It was a good liberating feeling. I introduced myself (no, that poor soul of my ex haven`t done a thing the whole evening to interconnect anyone because empathy just wasn`t his thing) and started to enjoy myself with others.

 

What`s the moral of the story? Well, like first, if you want to change someone else – think again. It is very hard to change ourselves, not just because we are creatures of habits, but because the most difficult thing is to admit that we have a malfunction in the first place. And more I`m getting older, I found things about me that are actually preventing a good start for being fully happy and content. And there is no one to blame but me.

Ain`t that fabulous! I can change things! By myself! Yippeeeeeeeee!

 

All jokes aside, growing is a process which doesn`t stops at any age. You have always some „little“ thing which you can do better or in a different way. It is sometimes very hard but it gives you the world. Your own world. The one which you can paint with your own colours.

 

 

And why we would do that?

Because we deserve it.

 

(yours truly, the ex 16 year old brat)

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