Tag Archive: freedom


QueenThere was a time when she would wait for his call. The same call which would mean that He is on his way. His arrival was always something special: flowers in his hand, a nice dinner, lots of laughs, and pretty good sex. She loved the way he was looking at her with those deep brown eyes, always hiding a spark of something unsaid. He was polite, kind and thoughtful. And distant.

Yes, distant. At first, she was sure that it was just a result of physical distance. He lived in another city and they didn’t have the luxury of everyday things, like a simple afternoon stroll in the park. And she didn’t mind, not really, thinking that these are the perks of the long-distance relationship – every date and every weekend are special. But a year passed. Then another. Their third anniversary came so quickly that it surprised even her. But after four years, she found herself thinking. Will they ever be a normal couple?

She started noticing all those sometimes happy and sometimes miserable couples on the street. Especially the last ones. They were important because they had a privilege to get into a fight, to get bored with each other, to have to luxury of experiencing dirty socks tossed away on the bedroom floor. It made her restless. So she started to count – they were seeing each other twice a month, sometimes less, most of her nights were made of the lonely evenings in front of the TV and emptiness of her own bed, her friends were talking about their children or the quality of their dates… All in all, her list was sad. Empty. Like her.

They say that longing is a good thing only if it’s short. If it grows, it becomes a frustration. And that’s exactly how she felt, frustrated and disappointed. So next time when they met she started The Conversation. Trying to find out will they ever have a future in which they will occupy the same place and time. That time he didn’t answer. After two weeks, she tried again. And again. He was polite, but he always managed to avoid the answer. And then she had it. She got mad and asked him directly. And he finally gave her his stand – he felt that their thing was perfect. He didn’t have the need to make it “common”, as he underlined it.

She wasn’t shocked. Not even surprised. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. So she gave herself little time to think about how much is she afraid of loneliness. And it turned out that she wasn’t scared at all. How could she, after all, she was practically alone all those years. The decision was made, she called him and said what she had on her heart. Strangely, he was surprised. It turned out that it never occurred to him that she is not happy with their relationship. And they split. Oh, he called few times, he even came one evening holding roses in his hand, trying to convince her that their thing was special.

But she didn’t buy it. Actually, she felt deliberated. She realized that all those years she was carrying an anxious lump on her chest. That every evening in the front of her TV she was waiting for his call or even just a short text. Her time was her own. And it felt great. She felt great. Finally free. She wasn’t Miss Lonely Waiting, she became Liberty from the House of Solitude. The great large house where she was the ruler.

It’s been a year since the coronation. And she still feels the happiness of her independence in every second of every day. Maybe someday a prince will arrive. But then again, maybe it would be better if he didn’t. Her reign is strong and beautiful and now it would take a really special knight to fight for his place by her throne.

Because she deserves it, 175.

 

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The (im)perfect me.

We all like to think that we are decent persons. We may say to ourselves that maybe we are not perfect (but then again – who is) and that there is no major thing that we should change in our charachter, peronality and behavior.

I don`t know how about you, but through the years I have found (and still finding) some things that were needed to be changed, not just because of my close ones, but primerly for myself. Because it was, and still is, the right thing to do. Because I am feeling better with myself and with the world around me.

 

Just as an example, once, some years ago, I was invited to a dinner party. A good friend of mine was celebrating a birthday and among few of us, his daily musketeers, meaning my ex boyfriend and myself, there were also few people which I didn`t know and which were school friends of my ex and the birthday boy.

Well, they came, sat down and started to chat jocundly.

I say they because I was not.

I was sitting in silence for about half an hour, just listening and observing, and then I started to feel bad. Real bed. Why? Because I was feeling excluded, ignored and in every way erased. As the time passed, I was feeling more and more offended, angry and furious. Nobody was paying attention to me. Nobody was talking to me. Not even the one it should, like my ex. Of course, he was the worst possible companion at the time, not even introducing me, but his bad manners weren`t actually the problem – I was. I was on a party and should be having a good time.

And then, all of the sudden, sitting there, offended like a 16 year old southern belle, it hit me. I was just like my grandmother. Oh no, no, no, no… How could it be?!? I just can`t… But yes, I was…… Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!! What the….????

 

You see, I come from a long line of divas. The ones that must always be the centre, the ones which opinions and needs are always the most important. And must be obeyed or the whole world becomes a dramatic circus. And it looks like that without even knowing it, I was carrying on this „respectable“ flag of selfishness, „spoilness“, egocentrism and sulkiness.

And again, Jesus Holy…

Is this me????? I am really like THAT?!? Well, it sure looks I am. Yes, it is twisted, it is very unhealthy and it is unbearable. Why in the world would I be that kind a person?!? I have a choice: or to be mad at the whole world or the enjoy it.

And just like that, I was calm. Surprised for the epiphany, but I was feeling OK. It was a good liberating feeling. I introduced myself (no, that poor soul of my ex haven`t done a thing the whole evening to interconnect anyone because empathy just wasn`t his thing) and started to enjoy myself with others.

 

What`s the moral of the story? Well, like first, if you want to change someone else – think again. It is very hard to change ourselves, not just because we are creatures of habits, but because the most difficult thing is to admit that we have a malfunction in the first place. And more I`m getting older, I found things about me that are actually preventing a good start for being fully happy and content. And there is no one to blame but me.

Ain`t that fabulous! I can change things! By myself! Yippeeeeeeeee!

 

All jokes aside, growing is a process which doesn`t stops at any age. You have always some „little“ thing which you can do better or in a different way. It is sometimes very hard but it gives you the world. Your own world. The one which you can paint with your own colours.

 

 

And why we would do that?

Because we deserve it.

 

(yours truly, the ex 16 year old brat)

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Have someone ever called you a cold selfish ….? And why is that?

 

A friend of mine called me yesterday very upset because someone is very mad at her. That certain someone is sick.The problem is that he stopped taking medications 3 years ago and, even more, he is not taking care of himself in any term, drinking a lot and doing nothing to help his body and mind. Now, that friend of mine was always there for him, day and night, in all the ways she could think of. She`s got lots of problems too, but she gave her best to the Sick one. And she had it yesterday. Because what is the use to try to ease someone`s life if that someone won`t help himself in any way?

I have backed her up. I have totally backed her up.

 

You see, I was the „duty officer“ almost all my life. The one which has the obligation to be at disposal 24/7. The needs of others were always before my own because that is the way they taught me. Until one morning I saw that all of them have a life, a relationship, a marriage, children and a carieer and that I was left behind. Without any of that. Because my family role was to make sure that all of them get what they need. And the trick is that you are never good enough in anything you do and whatever you give is insufficient. It is the endless pit.

 

Oh yes, I tried to argue, trying to explain my position, telling that even the Constitution gives me the right to work at least, for crying out loud, but it always ended with big scenes and the  accusation qouting „How can you be so selfish? Poor Mary/John/Maria/James/Lily/Robert/Lind/Shaniqua/Mumtembe Kurtungue/ Changchang Li.…(please continue the queue, any name will do)…needs that!“. Oh really? And what do I need? Do I exist as a living breating being at all?!?

So I`ve decided that I will be just like that – selfish, whatever that would mean.

Yes, if someone of them really needs the help I am still here, but I won`t waste my time and energy on something like „Call the library and ask them if the new S.E. Phillips book have arrived. And do it now! Mary/Jane/Linda… is waiting!“. And why in the hell wouldn`t she pick up the phone and call herself?!?!? And that kind of irrelevant stuff, you know the drill.

 

So for it, I have decided to draw a line. A proper border, to be more specific. Here is your teritory, there is no man`s land, and there, you see, is my teritory. Anything to declare? No? Are you bringing anything which may be harmful to the Aqualand or it`s residents? Like everlasting guilt, constant accusations, insults or total disregard? No? OK then, enjoy your stay and remember to respect the enviroment. We are very proud of it, our high peaks and deep waters are beautiful but also very sensitive to pollution. Of any kind.

And oh yes, please make sure to be always properly dressed; this way up north the winter comes suddenly and you don`t want to get frozen or to be find under the avalanche for being careless, do you?

 

Respectufully,

 

your border guard Aqua.

 

Because I deserve it, 39.