Tag Archive: humour


Lazy afternoon on the couch. Thinking about… nothing. And it`s glorious. As soon as I start to move for another finely tuned loafer`s position the phone starts ringing.

Me: Hallo?

Him: Well hello! How are you ?

Me, peskily for not having a clue who`s the owner of the voice: Oh, I`m fine. How are you?

Him: Well not so great. You see I have a problem and I think that you may help me with it.

Me: Ahmmmmm….OK… What is it?

Him, with a heavy sigh: How to start… OK, you know how they say that the poison is always kept in small bottles?

Me: Aha…..? ….(Poison? What poison?!?)

Him: You see my daughter has a friend. She, my daughter I mean, is very tall but her new best friend is quite tiny.

OK, there is something so weird here. Who is this guy and what the hell is he talking about?!?

Then he said: Small yes but that girl is so…. malicious. My daughter use to be so sweet and caring and she…

Me: OK, OK…Sir? Can you please tell me with WHO you wanted to speak in the first place?

Him, surprised: With you of course!

Me: I`m not sure….Sir, are you sure you have the right number?

Him: Of course I do! Where was I…ah yes…Anyway, she met her about 2 months ago and my wife started to realize that…

Me, much louder: SIR??? Please! Listen to me! I really bealive that you got the wrong number! Who were you calling?

Him, offended: The Youth Counsel Centre!

Me: OK, that explains it. You got a completely wrong number! This is definitively not it.

Him: Oh!… Oh, I`m sorry…I was convinced…I`m really sorry.

Me, more relaxed: That`s OK. It is easy to press just one wrong key to…

Him: I am really sorry but you have such a calming, soothing voice. You should work as a therapist!

Me: Thank you but I bealive it`s a little too late for that. Well, I hope that you now dial the right number and…

Him: Oh I really mean it! Have you thought about it?

Me: No, not really. OK, I wish you a good day!

Him: No, no thank you and I apologize once again.

Me: It`s alright. Bye!

And you know what is the completely weird part? That evening I`ve looked for the phone numbers of the Youth Counsel Centre, and I mean all the numbers, and not one is even close to mine. So what the hell was that?!? But let`s look on the bright side – I have a soothing voice, said the man. So it must be that my new hobby is an amateur teen guiding.

Because me, my voice and my phone deserve it, vol. 77.

Image

OK, real life situation.

For me it`s definitely real because it`s my own.

 

The story goes like this.

There`s a garden, something more than 100 years ago it was a small park. You know, that old fashioned one, with a stone pool, a fountain, few palm trees… But until recently, it use to be just a small part of the green area in town, surrounded by stone walls and covered only with grass and weed.

 

Well, few weeks ago, I`ve decided to become a Green guerilla, and to plant there some vegetables. The soil was so damn hard, dry and almost lifeless (if you forget the weed) that I have literally worked my a… off to make it gentle and tender again. Oh, And how soft it is! Even our cats love to lay down there, turn on it and tap it with their little paws!

So I bought tomato, cucumber, carrot and lavender seeds, placed it with love and affection prepared for that warm feeling of growing green life to come. And it did.

Not so much for other, but tomatoes…. From one small bag of seeds, now I have more than 300 nice, aromatic tomato plants! Am I happy? Of course I am! 300!!! You can you imagine it! Bravo me and bravo tomatoes! What a team!

So what`s the problem? Well, for all this time I haven`t managed not even once to take the damn hose and water the bloody tomatoes!

I don`t know if you have tried it but actually it`s like a reward after all this work. You take the hose, this lovely gift of nature called water stars running and you feel…. so relaxed. And happy. Beautiful feeling.

But howcome the others have discovered it too, some how they always manage to do it before me. It`s incredible!

 

Yesterday I got up at 5 (yes five, can you bealive it?!?), had my coffee, bathroom ritual and off to the garden. After few hours, when the work was done and I was preparing to finally water it, there goes my mother with the hose! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa! OK, I realized now I really have a problem. So today I said, „Mom, at 5 pm I (and I have underlined that I) will water the garden“. You know what happened? At 16:45 she came to my door saying that she wants to feed the „poor cats, they must be starving“.

20 minutes later she was on my door again with „I fed the cats, and oh, I have watered the garden!“. Jesus Mary and… What a woman must do over here to water her own garden!

 

I have decided – I still don`t know how and when but I`m gonna take the hose into my own hands! Me, not others. No way Jose`!  The hose is mine!

 

P.S. I just remembered, maybe I should use, for those 300 plants, the approach „This is Spartaaaaaaaaa!“ line. Or „back off from the hose Jose`“. You never know. Or to take the hose and arange them a nice cold shower.

 

Because I deserve it, 44.

I hate the change. I really do.
I had too many changes during the past years and I greet the new one with the words which are probably not suitable for the daily programme. There are lot of F words, somebody sons and other inappropriate terms in my mental vocabulary for the past days. And I must remind myself to use them out loud because I have the headache from the moment I open my eyes in the morning.

I moved. Into a beautiful new apartment, all shiny and new, delightfully decorated (love the yellow tone in the living room), with nice shiny gadgets, with air-cons all over the place including the bathroom (oh, I finally have the bath tub again), lots of sun coming from the outside, nice large terrace, I`m surrounded with pine trees and the sea is just 3 minutes away. Beautiful isn`t it? Well, at the moment I almost hate every minute of it.

Why? Because for the first time in my life I left the city. The city, you know, that crowded noisy place, where the apartments are small, where you can see trees only in the parks, where you hear every word of your neighbours, where after finding a parking place circuling the block just for 10 minutes you open a bottle of champagne, where sometimes you can`t fall asleep because some moron decided that he felt like singing at 3 a.m. right in front of your building, the place where you need a helmet and a baseball bat during the rush hour, where nobody knows anyone and you are pleasantly cloaked by anonymity which comes handy in certain situations … you know, the city.

So, this morning, after opening my eyes and getting scared again because for the moment I couldn`t recognize where the hell am I, and getting the headache from it, suddenly Heraclitus came into my thoughts. You know, the Greek guy which was so fascinated by changes, the one I curse right now for the saying „nothing endures but the change“. Well you can take it and shove it in your @##!!!!!
And don`t give some Deepak Chopra #&!!!%&# either because I DON`T LIKE THE CHANGE. A-a, every damn time I move, I get completly stressed out, I bump into furniture for the first 3 months, I wake up jumping from bed, I am disorientated and as soon as I get use to the place and relax, something happens and I move again.

And I miss the city. Miss everything that was just a street away: shops, library, favorite caffe`, my friends, even the family…and the noise. You are not aware how that city noise is actually soothing until you lay in the bed at night and you hear…nothing! Complete silence! No cars passing by, no talk or laughter on the street, no music coming from bars, restaurants, other people`s cars or apartment, complete absence of all those machines which always rumble and you are never sure where and what are they. Nada. Niente. Nichts. Rien.
And you need the car for everything. You can`t just throw on your coat, walk for few minutes and get what you want, now I have to actually plan things. (and for some reason, I feel like a housewife from the 50s, don`t ask why, still haven`t figured that one out)

Yeah, yeah, I know, it takes time. But still, I am a city girl used to all ups and downs of a ordinary architectural beehive in which everything is here and now.

So dear Heraclitus, you dirty ol` …., here`s to you. There, I admit, I`m busted. I feel like standing naked on the strong wind wondering should I keep on trying to hold to the ground or just let myself fly away, wherever that wind may carry me.

Because I (it surely looks like) deserve it, 67.

P.S. one other thing, what`s with the weather?!? This is Mediterranean for crying out loud, what`s with the strong wind and snow?!? I dreamed of quiet walks by the sea under the pine trees with the gentle sun on my back, not that I would have to grab and hold the damn trees  just to get to the shop!