Category: Animals


Aaaaaaah holidays!

The joy, the rush, the singing, the cursing, the partying, the exhaustion, the presents… Of which some really suck.

 

Here`s the thing, for Xmas I got a bowl of purple potpourri. It looks nice, the colour is beautiful, the glass bowl (a crystal wannabbe) is decent but the scent…it`s…it`s…hideous! Absolutely dreadful! Like something you may smell in the restroom of a cheap bar, a mix of air freshener and a strong cleaning product used for not so fancy result of some very private activities. You get the picture.

 

I got it from a neighbour which is visiting almost every day so the smelly thing should be placed on a visible place. Well, I did try but…First it was in the living room bur the smell was so irritating that I have transffered it to the kitchen entrance…which wasn`t good enough because how in world can I cook if I don`t smell any ingredient except for that bathroom…thing? So I took it and found a place on the highest cabinet but you can still smell it. In fact it is so strong that you actually feel some kind of tickling in the throat. Incredible.

 

What a person can do in such situations?

The only convicing thing that came to my mind is – blame it on the cat. The cat is vivacious, playful, always running around and jumping on the furniture, and for that reason represents the perfect candidate! And what is more important, the cat doesn`t has an alibi, she is already seen on the crime scene several times by several bonafied witnesses. Yes, I know it is not right, and I`m not proud of myself but I just can`t think of something else. And I promise I will grant her with some delicious goodies and a new toy as a fair compensation.

 

How many times did you get something you hated? And what have you done with it? Once I got a vase from a very good friend of mine and it was the ugliest thing I ever saw. So, just to make some balance between my personal taste and friend`s expectations, I have placed that disputable item in the hall. …And how she got offeneded!…She wouldn`t be more resentful and insulted even if someone would spit on her favorite suede shoes. She was angry on me for months! I was sorry and I tried to explain numeruos times that I really love her very much but that this thing is…just not my thing, but with no result. Finally, years have passed before she realized that we have completly different taste in many, many, many things, including the eternal question of what is beautiful and what`s not. (which was always actually very practical because we never liked the same guys so we never argued about that:-)

 

Next move – go to the pet shop and buy something really nice to the cat.

 

Because the cat and I deserve it, 47.

 

P.S. I wish you a really truly fabulous New year!

Don`t be an idiot

I know many people.

And every time when I think that I have seen it all, something somehow still may surprise me. Like for example, I was always wondering why do the manufactures put those silly warning labels on their products…until I actually met that…hmmm…interesing individuals that are not an urban legend. They do exist and yes, they really need that warnings.

 

Like the one on deep-frozen food. You know, it says something like „After defrosting bake for 5 minutes“. Which is common reason for most of the people. I mean, you won`t just defrost it and eat it, it is still raw for crying out loud! That is, you would think so… Some – won`t. I met a creature that actually ate it like that and declared „…well…it wasn`t sooooo good like they say…it was somehow…sluggish..“. Of course it was sluggish, it was RAW!!! When I asked her didin`t she at least see the warning, she said „Why? Who reads that?!?“.

Then you have that incredible warning on the iron. There you may read: „Do not iron clothes on body“. I mean, WHO irons clothes on himself?!? Well someone does. I`ve seen it with my own eyes. And she is not affraid of getting her skin burned, or thinks that it is stupid. Au contraire, she says that it is a very practical move. Ha!

But the thing that really got me thinking is the Cesar Millan show. There you may see the dog whisperer restraining various best friends, curs, bitches and doggies. In the show, on almost every „action“ scene you may read „Do not try this at home without professional help“ or something like it. And? I wonder how many people have taken this advice?

You see, I like dogs very much, but I never trust them 100% (this one goes for the people too). I don`t because every living creature can be pretty agressive and irrational when it feels insecure. With people it is manifestated on various ways, but dogs – they bite. Hard.

And they have the proper equipment too (except in the situation of doggy geriatric case, caused mostly by the tones of eaten kibbles during the years, these dogs suck, literally). And now you have, after the seen show, many venturesome heads, totally fascinated (and infatuaded, if I may say) who think that this is easy-peasy. Ha, piece of cake! Is that all that I have to do? So this means that all I have to do, when I meet an agressive dog, is to crouch, look to the ground and  reach my hand towards the dog! Isn`t this great or what! Fantastic!Simply…

People like this do not even think on the probable epilogue, that is on „I-crouch-reach-my-hand-and-finish-without-it“. Or the „I-crouch-and-the-sweet-little-rottweiler-jumps-on-my-throat“. How adorable! Ha!

 

And for that reason, I am thinking about a new educational campaign called „Don`t be an idiot!“. The targeted individuals would be all that overconfident types for which the game of  cerebral marbles is just too damn hard. The slogans would be „No, you really can`t do it“, then „You are not brave, you`re an idiot“ and „Only for the ones with the valid health insurance“.  Only then some of the ambitious will maybe stop BEFORE providing traumas to it`s family and friends. Before the story ends with stitches or that horrible solution  of dog putting to sleep. For some idiot`s fault, of course.

 

So this is why, in the Cesar Millan fashion, I whisper: ….look into my arm……..feel my energy…..this is not for you…this is not for you……….you are not the dog whisperer, you are number 87 in the emergency room....

 

Because we (and dogs) deserve it, vol. 23.