Tag Archive: humor


Warning – the poem it`s not mine but it is funny enough to be shared. Ready?

P.S. to my dear male friends, please don`t be offended, after all the poem is about mamma`s boys, not you

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Don`t be an idiot

I know many people.

And every time when I think that I have seen it all, something somehow still may surprise me. Like for example, I was always wondering why do the manufactures put those silly warning labels on their products…until I actually met that…hmmm…interesing individuals that are not an urban legend. They do exist and yes, they really need that warnings.

 

Like the one on deep-frozen food. You know, it says something like „After defrosting bake for 5 minutes“. Which is common reason for most of the people. I mean, you won`t just defrost it and eat it, it is still raw for crying out loud! That is, you would think so… Some – won`t. I met a creature that actually ate it like that and declared „…well…it wasn`t sooooo good like they say…it was somehow…sluggish..“. Of course it was sluggish, it was RAW!!! When I asked her didin`t she at least see the warning, she said „Why? Who reads that?!?“.

Then you have that incredible warning on the iron. There you may read: „Do not iron clothes on body“. I mean, WHO irons clothes on himself?!? Well someone does. I`ve seen it with my own eyes. And she is not affraid of getting her skin burned, or thinks that it is stupid. Au contraire, she says that it is a very practical move. Ha!

But the thing that really got me thinking is the Cesar Millan show. There you may see the dog whisperer restraining various best friends, curs, bitches and doggies. In the show, on almost every „action“ scene you may read „Do not try this at home without professional help“ or something like it. And? I wonder how many people have taken this advice?

You see, I like dogs very much, but I never trust them 100% (this one goes for the people too). I don`t because every living creature can be pretty agressive and irrational when it feels insecure. With people it is manifestated on various ways, but dogs – they bite. Hard.

And they have the proper equipment too (except in the situation of doggy geriatric case, caused mostly by the tones of eaten kibbles during the years, these dogs suck, literally). And now you have, after the seen show, many venturesome heads, totally fascinated (and infatuaded, if I may say) who think that this is easy-peasy. Ha, piece of cake! Is that all that I have to do? So this means that all I have to do, when I meet an agressive dog, is to crouch, look to the ground and  reach my hand towards the dog! Isn`t this great or what! Fantastic!Simply…

People like this do not even think on the probable epilogue, that is on „I-crouch-reach-my-hand-and-finish-without-it“. Or the „I-crouch-and-the-sweet-little-rottweiler-jumps-on-my-throat“. How adorable! Ha!

 

And for that reason, I am thinking about a new educational campaign called „Don`t be an idiot!“. The targeted individuals would be all that overconfident types for which the game of  cerebral marbles is just too damn hard. The slogans would be „No, you really can`t do it“, then „You are not brave, you`re an idiot“ and „Only for the ones with the valid health insurance“.  Only then some of the ambitious will maybe stop BEFORE providing traumas to it`s family and friends. Before the story ends with stitches or that horrible solution  of dog putting to sleep. For some idiot`s fault, of course.

 

So this is why, in the Cesar Millan fashion, I whisper: ….look into my arm……..feel my energy…..this is not for you…this is not for you……….you are not the dog whisperer, you are number 87 in the emergency room....

 

Because we (and dogs) deserve it, vol. 23.

U.S. of A as admi(nist)ration

Got a call from an European friend who would like to spend his vacation in Florida. You know, sun, Disneyland, hot chicks, cold drinks, bienvenido a Miami…Anyway, the guy said that he`s having trouble with filling the forms out, `cause his English is not so good and asked if I could help him. Sure, I said, why not!

So, a tourist visa! Never did that one before. Sounds harmless, let`s do it!

And so we started. Conference line style, I`m asking, he`s answering. And writting it down. And writting some more. And more… His mother`s name, his father, aunt, his postman`s shue number, favorite snack of the neighbour`s cat, probable winner of „So you think you can dance“, list of all cabbage cultivators in his area, number of pigeons in his birth town….

You got the picture. So, for that 7 days of vacation, somebody, anybody, must name it all. Even the list of all jobs he ever did in his life, with all the dates, his education from the day he stepped toothless in the school courtyard, everything. And I mean everything.

And that everything would even make sense if the last form wouldn`t be made of THESE questions, qouting: Are you involved in some criminal activity? Prostitution? Are you bringing explosive devices into US? War gas? Are you planning an assassination atempt? Are you a member of a sect? Are you a member of a terorist group? Were you involved in a genocid?

I am not kidding, these, and many more, are the exact questions. Check it yourself.

Watching it and thinking – what? Does somebody really answers, to any of this questions with a „Yes“?!? For example: yeeeeeeeah, sure, I am an active participant of 5 genocides, I am importing a nuclear device which I will smuggle using my 17 Ucrain prostitutes, which by the way have AIDS, in a way that first they will seduce the pilotes on my plane, the customs officers right after them, and then I will drug the customs officers which will unwillingly bomb the Senat just to cause enough confusion that I could shoot the president! There! Play ball!

But…these are the questions you must answer, no matter how stupid they are. You even have to give the address and a phone number of the person you will contact whe you arrive in the US. What person?!? You are going on the bloody vacation, for miserable 7 days, you don`t know anybody there, you don`t want to know anyone because it`s your vacation, the time when you want to be completly relaxed with no obligations to anyone!

But noooooooooo, you have to write a full name of your imaginary friend, his address and a phone number.

And yes, on every page they are asking the same question: from where are you coming from? Like you are changing your habitat every 2 minutes like a f…… Cylon which uses superluminal jumps through the galaxy!

What do they expect, that after it you will be so pissed off that you will just send to hell them and whole America and change your desired vacation destination with some other, more resonable country? Or that you will be so irritated that you will answer „yes“ to all the questions?

One more thing. As soon as you start to fill it out, after signing your name, right under it, there is a filling line named „SEX“. Right there, you may answer with „Yes please, plenty!“. As long as they are f’***** you that way, you may show them that you are doing it harder.

Incredible.

I really wonder WHO is writting this things? What are they, 5?!? For crying out loud, is it so hard to make a decent form? You know, for normal people. Really, what are the odds that you will meet a retarded terorist? Or an intelligent bureaucrat, when you think of it?