Tag Archive: wedding


She`s got certain years. Actually, she doesn`t, but lets say that she is, according to some provincial criteria, passed the line for rosebud, fresh dew and busy bees. This is why she is very worried with the absence of a wedding ring on her finger which should be the indicator of successful living. So because of that, she is determined to find a husband at any cost.

 The scenario should go something like this:

her aunt, from her birthplace, knows a guy from that same town (after all, roots are roots) which is single. It doesn`t matter how he looks like, he`s got all hands, legs and a head. The aunt gave her his number of telephone and said that he will be celebrating his birthday, few days from today. The gameplan was that the mentioned Ringcovetor sends him a text message with birthday wishes to establish a first contact. Which was successfully done. The communication continued through few other messages and they have agreed to meet in their birthtown. There they had a drink, exchanged few usual weather/politics sentences, after which they have both returned into towns where they live and work.

And the show may begin….

The Singleman was classified into a high priority category which you don`t let go. To be more precised, the travesty with direct flirting, sighing and admiration, with detalied and careful planning was on. Actively.

This was going on about a month and a half ago. `Till now, they saw each other 3 times till then. In the meanwhile the Ringcovetor have requested and procured a transfer from her firm to a city where the Singleman lives and works. She is already making plans of which wedding dress will she buy and looking for an apartment where THEY will live. Should I say that not even one of this plans was mentioned to the Singleman and that he hasn`t a slighest idea of the diabolique plan? I guess not, you have figuared it out…..

I am standing in the street, after meeting this female hunter, and the Ringcovetor is euphorically „reporting“ the newest data of her grand plan. Like I said, I am standing there, nodding in silence but not bealiving. What the…?!?!? How…? What is wrong with her? How in the world can someone do that to another person?!? After the primary surprise, I dare to ask how he looks like (yes, I know, it is superficial, but after that kind of report, I couldn`t remember what would be the suitable response).

And this was the answer. „…well…he is not exactly what we would say goodlooking…Normally, I like strong developed men and he is.. hm…kind of tiny. His face is not the prettiest neither….“. And again, what the…..????

So my next question was what do they have in common. And…silence. She is not saying anything and I – I am waiting…

She is probably thinking „who the hell she thinks she is, bothering me with some irrelevant questions???“ and I am thinking „Well honey, if you took the liberty to bother ME with it, and you really picked the wrong day, let`s go all the way down!“

After a minute or so she answers: „We…we are made for each other!“

So this is why I tweet innocently: „Really? Why do you think that? What do you like about him? What are his favorite things?“

She is looking at me irritated and says:“ I know it! What does it matters what are his favorite things?!?“.

Aaaaaah, soooo, THAT`s why! He is alive, single and you are under pressure for the time-table! …Anyhow, we said goodbye, she went her way and I took mine, still not bealiving what I have just heard. She has to marry at any cost, using all means, not giving a s..t how and with who.

I had this conversation a week ago and I still can`t understand it. I presume that when she stopped me in the street, she wanted to brag with her story of success, to me and God knows  who else, but she just can`t see how that makes her…perfid, low, pathetic and how that is degrading for both sides. And that this isn`t something with which you should brag with, au contraire – you should keep your mouth shout.

On the other hand, if the guy is blind enough not to see it, then I guess he deserves that. Otherway, he would move from this platform of super-fast trains for belated destinations.

P.S. in case I hear the sequel of this story, I will let you know.

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Didn`t want to be unfair towards men so here`s the alarm list of women which need to be avoided. For your own sake.

  1. The Squirell

 

So called Sweet and sour – sweet from the outside but full of bitterness and pure poison in the inside. A synonim for manipulation, easily slips under man`s The Bitch of the Year radar and for that reason it is the most common type from which men get hurt. She uses sweet and innocent look, ravishing blinking with her eyes, making you feel cool and bright, conviced in total control of the situation.

Big mistake.

Under a ton of carefully places candies, something else is hiding – a malicious and elusive bitch which will make dance as she`s playing. Foxtrot, salsa, mambo, hustle, acrobatic rock`n`roll…you`ll do them all. You will jump around, with a silly smile on your face, like an Easter rabbit!

When you wake up, it will be too late – she will own your ass. Think about it, isn`t it just too good to be true? You men are usually good in logic, we are human, you would have to know that we all have our good and bad sides, yin and yang, remember?… What you said? Oh, that she is so sweet, innocent and harmless!…Well…WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!

We are all good and bad, and if somebody insists on being only sweet, you HAVE to know that she/he is caring tones of poison inside which has to hide. Fact of life.

Amateurs….

2. Eternaly unsatisfied

So called The Crow will kljucati you for every little thing you can think of. And beyond. Absolutely everything you do or say just won`t be good enough. Even if she compliments you for something (on Xmass or some other major holiday) after it you will always hear „But…..!“. You will be always followed by her discrediting look, no matter if you are changing you carrier, a light bulb or a shirt. Face it, you just won`t be able to satisfy her.

We are all fantasising to do or say something which will result with the pride and satisfaction in partner`s eyes. This is why you will give all your best to make every day a victorious one. Well…it ain`t gonna happen. Nope. Never.

And in time, for stress and pressure, you will become more awkward and cubbish as each day passes, which will finally lead to inevitable disaster.

So, please, for the sake of the whole humanity, try to eat chocolatte, or do what ever pleases you to keep the stress down.

Or just leave.

`Cause this one…she would turn Buddha into raging terorist!

3. Perfect

She always looks great, wears perfect make up, dressed to kill, always knows when and what to say, doesn`t have any problems, always in control of everything, she is never late… Beautiful! Just perfect! Standing ovations!

So what can you expect living with her? Well, she is perfect and that means that you have to be perfect too. Translating: you will never use any dirty word, drink something as vulgar as beer is, you will have sex at the exact day and time that is agreed – never before and never after, you will never eat onion again (You stink like a pig!), never put a glass on a table without a coaster, you will always have to think carefully before you say something (Don`t embarace me!), you will never spend an afternoon or evening on front of the tv (Do something constructive!) and so on.

You`re with her, so that means you have to be perfect too. All the time, everywhere, anyhow.

Are you up to it?

4. Attention whore

So called „Forest brook“ – so noisy and so shallow! Extremly superfficient, flerts with anything that breaths, no matter if you`re present or not, it doesn`t matter. She always has to be in the centre of the attention, star of the every party, giggles a lot, screams often and loughs too loud. No matter how she looks, her selfconfidence is so low that this kind of attention is the only thing that can actually „feed“ her. Mostly with lower intelligence, this example often „jumps out“ for her body language which is provocative and cheap. Anything for attention.

She is usually with somebody who bealives to her every word and to the fact that only he, actually, truely knows her… Right…Until she runs into something something more appealing. A better audience. She lives for admiration.

The fact is that even when you do it with her she is thinking what impression that she leaves on you. She works on a principle of a moth and a lamp.

Usually, only the extremly dumb men are attracted to her. No harm to the rest of the humanity.

 

5. Motherly type

Huh….a bad one. By default, men like when a woman takes care of them. They adore when she cooks them, cleans to them, irons… And this is why they easily fall on this type. That thing that they don`t see clearly is that She doesn`t see them. At all.

What She does see is a completly immatured creature, totally incapable to take care for himself. So degeneric that he wouldn`t be able to dress in the morning if She wasn`t around. Without Her he would die of hunger, wondering around all dirty not knowing when and where he is going…

The only messagge that She`s got is: you are not a man, you are a retarded child. Without me you don`t exist.

If you don`t mind to be treathed like an idiot, knock yourself out.

6. Gold-digger

You better earn more than she can spend. The value of the man for her is estimated upon his ability to cash. Men are usually picking them aware of the choice. Fair trade – look beautiful, keep your mouth shot, do as I say and you will get what you want.

If you`re not Bill Gates, and you still want something like it for yourself, prepare yourself for big loans, followed by taking money from some really shady people and finally a long jail time. Don`t worry, she won`t be crying long after your change of address. Soon (like a day after) she will find comfort in another men`s wallet, pardon! arms.

Bless her.

7. Classical Eager-to-get-married

Very often speciment, it doesn`t matter who you are or what you are, as long as you have a finger on which she may place a ring. She actually not even notices you. You area totally irrelevant factor. Until it comes to the final phase, she will say and do anything. You are the smartest, most beautiful men she ever saw.

It`s easy to recognize her `cause she is stenjati as soon as you touch her stockings. Oh, how she wants you! You are so exciting! Right…

After the wedding ceremony suddenly you turn into a plain spitting and quirking object. Umjesto your name, her sententes begin with „That idiot…“. Sex is very rare and even if it happens starts with „Can you hurry? My favorite show begins in 2 minutes.“. Forget about the oral satisfaction cause it is pure SF for you now.

Stručno said, you`re fucked.

By the way, your mother in law will become a permanent inventory in your house, giving a push to your „loving one`s“ insults and nugging. Congratulations!

8. The Amazon

Her main line is that all men ar scum which must be punished. About 400 years ago someone have broken her heart and for that reason you`re gonna pay… Oh how will you pay!

Actually, she would like to be loved, somewhere deep inside (very, very, deep) but she just can`t let it go. So she is pljuvanje on you and on the whole male population. ..`Cause you`re pigs…All of you…Jerks…Worth only for hard labour and reproduction….Bastards..

She is indipendent, doesn`t ask too much care, and sex is mostly great. If you`re really patient, don`t mind to be stamp on every once in a while, maybe…just maybe, something will come up of it. But do it slowly. Otherwise she will bite your head off.

 

9. The Double Agent

So called Lady in distress doesn`t leaves the first one until she finds the next one who will take care of her. Every man has a irreparable flaw and there is always someone better out there. She`s immature and hard to please. Looking for a fairytale but it`s has to be written, played and directed by someone else. Mostly very femminine, she will convince you that she gave everything to the bastard that she`s with now, but he is so bad, doesn`t love her really…And she`s miserable, doesn`t now what to do… Oh but look, now you`re here and she finally sees the light at the end of he tunnel, ˙cause you`re so great blah, blah, blah…

She is so good at this that usually you won`t be sure will she leave the bastard for you or not, or are you more than friends or just…

Don`t kid yourself, in the same time she is chirping with 3 more morons like yourself. If you „win“ and get stuck with her….Well, too bad. You can only hope that she will leave you soon enough for some other victim.

10. Save me

Always week, a total parasite, she is looking for her daddy. She expects that you will take care of her all the time, that you will take all the responsability and decisions, so if anything bad happens – it will be completly your fault. As the time goes by, the Knight in shiny armour becomes a working horse which pulls for both of them, while she just lays on her back. Everything is too hard for her, complicated and unsolvable, but she has You, her hero, which will solve everything with such ease and a smile on his face….

At first you will feel strong, menly and powerful but after a certain period you won`t be able to shake the feeling of exhaustion and dispair. And then you may ask: who`s your daddy?

Because that is extactly what you`ll become – a father for a needy child. And you know how they call ol`bastards which sleep with a child? Yes, the P word. It is twisted and sick. Shame on you!

There, now nobody can tell I`m a sexist.

And one more, usually you may find several types mixed in one person. And that is a cocktail you really shouldn`t drink. Imagine the hangover!