Tag Archive: web


I remember one practical little book, when I was a kid, that belonged to my grandma. It was named Help to every housewife in every case or something like that.

For example, the lovely housy have over-enthusiasticaly salted the soup. She can`t blame the dog for it and she surely don`t want to listen her husband`s nagging „I worked my ass of all day, come hungry as a dog, and you can`t cook a lousy soup for your man when he comes home!

In that particular case, the magic book was offering a solution with adding few potatoes in the problematic dish to extract the salt. (or to add few drops of cyanide in it, to finally shut up the nagging cur)

And I was thinking that we could certainly use a website like that. You know, the one that would only give advice in case of small and grand fuckups. It would offer practical and social advices.

Let`s say that you have accidentaly offended your collegue`s wife by replacing her with his mother. An honest mistake. You were just, without any mean afterthoughts, been so naive to articulate right to her face: „Aaaaaah! This must be your lovely mom! So nice to meet you!“. No matter if the old bat looks your ex mother in law. She is still human. And a very resentful one, also. And there you are, standing like an idiot, without a clue of what to say now tkinking how to get out of this. What you gonna do?

Or, for example, you are in the middle of a fresh and new relationship. Everything is just peachy and wonderful except one little thing – he/she snores like a polar bear. So when you are asked in the morning, with a big and gentle smile, how did you sleep – you find yourself (bloated and battered, because you have spent all night in poking, turning and inventing every damn thing you could think of, just to lower down the snoring decibels of your loved One) saying…actually croaking out loud: „What do you think, you arctic bastard??????“

….Which could sensibly lower your rating of a dear, lovely and bland individual and could pull certain unwanted consequences. Which you really don`t want. Trust me.

Or maybe if you have accidentally erased your boss`s marketing plan, which took him/her 2 weeks to develope and write it down, and now the only urge that you have it to run home, take your passport and call the number under the ad „South America is calling“. You could spend few interesting years riding a llama through a very green and very unknown area just until the thing calms down a little. Hey, maybe you`ll get a decent pension plan there, you never now.

I bet that the site would have enormous visiting. Because the probability of the fuckup is proportional of the doable acts on a ordinary day. So instead that we start whining „Gooooooooood what I am goind to doooooooooo??????“ or to use some totally uneffective method with a factor 145 of even larger fuckup, we would just have to go on www.I-fucked-up-now-what.com and solve our misery with one click. To our satisfaction and the ones around us.

If that thing comes alive…let me know. I will be among the first subscribers.

 

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Me, myself and I

He is looking for his better half. On the web. And somewhere after 842 527 searched profiles he have chosen her.

And the absolute thrill came on the scene. She`s the one!

Who`s the one?

The one which isn`t right for him in any way.

So, he went estatic, called me for an emergency cup of coffee and sat on the other side of the table shining like a star. Then he started to wagging with her printed profile.

He: Look at this! She`s fantastic!

Me: Let me see….

I`m reading…Hm…..Reading some more…Then I look at him while he is blinking estaticly with his eyes… Keep reading… Then I explode.

Me: Are you out of your mind?!?

He: Why?

Me: Why???!!!??? How did you think that this would ever work!!!!???

Description of The One:

Hobbies: paragliding, parachuting, skiing, mountain biking, mountain climbing

Loves: westerns (even adores), action movies, horrors, strong men which are not afraid of powerful women, going to the gym

Hates: whimps, people who hate sport, silence, boring shows on tv (politics, economy), dramatic movies, romantic comedies

F*****  Xena!

His description:

Hobbies: reading, reading and once again reading, watching politicial debates, attending cultural events, stock market, deep consideration about the Universe as it was, it is and how it will be

Loves: dramatic movies, psychological thrillers, warm dusk with a book in hes hands, romance, slow Sunday morning walks by the sea, family lunches, long disscusions about the roots of english grammar, cardigans, comfortable sweaters in general

Hates: any physical activity, people who doesn`t have the hunger for knowledge, indecent people, rude people, primitive people, shallow people, non-educated people, action movies, horrors, westerns

And he still asked why!

That s the most extreme example that I know of, but I still wonder HOW can someone think that this would work? When they try to level up something that they consider to be their fault or flaw with finding someone else who is totally opposite from them?

For example, somebody is a depressive and crancky type but he is looking for a cheerful, tolerant and opened person. Or someone with absoluetly no ambitions at all, who is lazy by default, with no passion but he is looking for someone who is successful with a shiny career, strenght of the bull and the power of the Hoover dam.

I do understand the need, when that particular someone is just too lazy to change, but how in the world he thought that he would please the person to which he is so magnetically attracted?  Or the egoism have totally hit the scale, that he actually doesn`t care what he˙s got to share with that special someone?

The excuse of mutual repleneshing simply doesn`t stands here because, for example, if we have one person who is happy-go-lucky and that person spends some time with the paint-it-black person the Happy one will start to feel bad and depressed, `cause the Black one will simply suck all the energy from his colorful batteries.

That is, if that Happy is not autistic, meaning that he doesn`t feels at all who is with him, that he doesn`t even cares or sees anyone but himself.

In this case, the mentioned Xena from the story, the loving-outdoors-warrior, would spend all her free time to her passions. Even if they would both be extremely tolerant, how and when would they be together?

Hm…

The ego is a tricky thing.

Meet yourself, love yourself, embrace even the things which may generally be considered as a fault. Be even crazy in the eyes of others if this is what it takes.

But that is who you are.

That is you.

And learn to appreciate it.

Because compatibility is not just a fancy word.