Tag Archive: tourists

U.S. of A as admi(nist)ration

Got a call from an European friend who would like to spend his vacation in Florida. You know, sun, Disneyland, hot chicks, cold drinks, bienvenido a Miami…Anyway, the guy said that he`s having trouble with filling the forms out, `cause his English is not so good and asked if I could help him. Sure, I said, why not!

So, a tourist visa! Never did that one before. Sounds harmless, let`s do it!

And so we started. Conference line style, I`m asking, he`s answering. And writting it down. And writting some more. And more… His mother`s name, his father, aunt, his postman`s shue number, favorite snack of the neighbour`s cat, probable winner of „So you think you can dance“, list of all cabbage cultivators in his area, number of pigeons in his birth town….

You got the picture. So, for that 7 days of vacation, somebody, anybody, must name it all. Even the list of all jobs he ever did in his life, with all the dates, his education from the day he stepped toothless in the school courtyard, everything. And I mean everything.

And that everything would even make sense if the last form wouldn`t be made of THESE questions, qouting: Are you involved in some criminal activity? Prostitution? Are you bringing explosive devices into US? War gas? Are you planning an assassination atempt? Are you a member of a sect? Are you a member of a terorist group? Were you involved in a genocid?

I am not kidding, these, and many more, are the exact questions. Check it yourself.

Watching it and thinking – what? Does somebody really answers, to any of this questions with a „Yes“?!? For example: yeeeeeeeah, sure, I am an active participant of 5 genocides, I am importing a nuclear device which I will smuggle using my 17 Ucrain prostitutes, which by the way have AIDS, in a way that first they will seduce the pilotes on my plane, the customs officers right after them, and then I will drug the customs officers which will unwillingly bomb the Senat just to cause enough confusion that I could shoot the president! There! Play ball!

But…these are the questions you must answer, no matter how stupid they are. You even have to give the address and a phone number of the person you will contact whe you arrive in the US. What person?!? You are going on the bloody vacation, for miserable 7 days, you don`t know anybody there, you don`t want to know anyone because it`s your vacation, the time when you want to be completly relaxed with no obligations to anyone!

But noooooooooo, you have to write a full name of your imaginary friend, his address and a phone number.

And yes, on every page they are asking the same question: from where are you coming from? Like you are changing your habitat every 2 minutes like a f…… Cylon which uses superluminal jumps through the galaxy!

What do they expect, that after it you will be so pissed off that you will just send to hell them and whole America and change your desired vacation destination with some other, more resonable country? Or that you will be so irritated that you will answer „yes“ to all the questions?

One more thing. As soon as you start to fill it out, after signing your name, right under it, there is a filling line named „SEX“. Right there, you may answer with „Yes please, plenty!“. As long as they are f’***** you that way, you may show them that you are doing it harder.


I really wonder WHO is writting this things? What are they, 5?!? For crying out loud, is it so hard to make a decent form? You know, for normal people. Really, what are the odds that you will meet a retarded terorist? Or an intelligent bureaucrat, when you think of it?


I live in a certain type of paradise. No matter how touristy it may sound, here in the heart of the Mediterranean, you may still find lots of untouched beaches where the sound of waves kissing the shore is your only companion.

And I love it. Can you immagine it? A beautiful pebble beach with crystal clear sea and great blue sky only for you…

Even if you don`t won`t to bother with it, and you choose a beach with few people already on it, you will still get a relaxation and piece and quite that you need. The people on it, like yourself, are looking for the same thing so that everyone respect the silent mode.

Well…almost everyone.

Living on such a place, we are used to tourists, people from all the world are coming here and they are all wellcome but one thing scare us all: August. Why August? `Cause this is the time of  Ferragosto, the Italian holiday season.

I love Italians. Have few Italian friends and they are all very cheerful, friendly and passionate but there is one annoying thing they all share – they are noisy. Extremly noisy. Incredibly noisy. And they just don`t realize how it effects people around them. They don`t even see, or better hear, the difference between them and others. Completly ignorant.


Last summer, a lovely beach in the suburbs. You can hear only the sound of waves, hushing few seagulls. There are 15 people on the beach, all talking silently and enjoying. Chilling. Until…

A car came. With Italian plates. And the got cavalry out: mamma, pappa`, nonna (who takes his mother in a law on the vacation?!?oh yes, the Italians!) and a small Italian bambino. Then they started to take out the logistic from the car: 10 towels, 4 fridges, 5 balls, 18 kg of fruit, 12 bottles of aqua minerale,…

After the camp was settled, they went into the water. All 4 of them. And that luscious ravishing regenerating time of complete wellness was over, suddenly ended with extermely rasping voices screaming:

Mamma: „E`insalata l`aqua?“

Nonna: „Si, e`insalata!“

Pappa`: „Ma come, e`insalata l`aqua?’“

Mamma: „Ma l`aqua e`insalata!“

Nonna. „Si, e`insalata!“

And like that for 20 minutes! Incredible! The bambino have realized that the water is salty as soon as he entered in the damn water! And I am sure that the rest of the people there where pretty aware of it!!! And why the hell are you yelling?!? And talking all in the same time?!?

15 people were enjoying in peace and quite, respecting each other before you arrived. Why, oh why are you screaming?!? We are not deaf!

Then you have the thing with the driving. It`s a classical fight in the arena for them. They are always speeding, double-parking, not looking at the signs, not respecting other drivers or usual traffic laws, like the rules don`t apply to them. Last summer we were watching a genious which didn`t want to wait in the que during the rush hour, and literally tried to SLIP GENTLY behind policeman`s back without being seen!?!? With the Mercedes?!?! The cop couldn`t bealive his own eyes…

And it`s not like they do it on purpose – it`s just the way they are. We now they don`t mean a thing, they are just… Italians. It is their way. And this is why you just can`t be mad on them, at least not for long. At least till nex August;-)