Tag Archive: strange


Lazy afternoon on the couch. Thinking about… nothing. And it`s glorious. As soon as I start to move for another finely tuned loafer`s position the phone starts ringing.

Me: Hallo?

Him: Well hello! How are you ?

Me, peskily for not having a clue who`s the owner of the voice: Oh, I`m fine. How are you?

Him: Well not so great. You see I have a problem and I think that you may help me with it.

Me: Ahmmmmm….OK… What is it?

Him, with a heavy sigh: How to start… OK, you know how they say that the poison is always kept in small bottles?

Me: Aha…..? ….(Poison? What poison?!?)

Him: You see my daughter has a friend. She, my daughter I mean, is very tall but her new best friend is quite tiny.

OK, there is something so weird here. Who is this guy and what the hell is he talking about?!?

Then he said: Small yes but that girl is so…. malicious. My daughter use to be so sweet and caring and she…

Me: OK, OK…Sir? Can you please tell me with WHO you wanted to speak in the first place?

Him, surprised: With you of course!

Me: I`m not sure….Sir, are you sure you have the right number?

Him: Of course I do! Where was I…ah yes…Anyway, she met her about 2 months ago and my wife started to realize that…

Me, much louder: SIR??? Please! Listen to me! I really bealive that you got the wrong number! Who were you calling?

Him, offended: The Youth Counsel Centre!

Me: OK, that explains it. You got a completely wrong number! This is definitively not it.

Him: Oh!… Oh, I`m sorry…I was convinced…I`m really sorry.

Me, more relaxed: That`s OK. It is easy to press just one wrong key to…

Him: I am really sorry but you have such a calming, soothing voice. You should work as a therapist!

Me: Thank you but I bealive it`s a little too late for that. Well, I hope that you now dial the right number and…

Him: Oh I really mean it! Have you thought about it?

Me: No, not really. OK, I wish you a good day!

Him: No, no thank you and I apologize once again.

Me: It`s alright. Bye!

And you know what is the completely weird part? That evening I`ve looked for the phone numbers of the Youth Counsel Centre, and I mean all the numbers, and not one is even close to mine. So what the hell was that?!? But let`s look on the bright side – I have a soothing voice, said the man. So it must be that my new hobby is an amateur teen guiding.

Because me, my voice and my phone deserve it, vol. 77.

Image

Bloody internet. You can not hide even if your life would depend on it!

Have lots of people in my life, some I met in elementary school and still enjoy spending time with them, some have enchanted me recently,  I still go out and socialize, then there are some lovely people that I had the honour and pleasure to get to know through the internet… What can I say – yes, I love people and I need the socialisation!

One of the things that I don`t need is „Hook up again with the persons you`ve lost contact with“. A-a. Hell no! If I wanted them here, I wouldn`t lose them in the first place! Don`t get me wrong, it`s not like we had some serious fights, it`s just that we took other paths for different interests and affinities. And as far as I see it, it is good that we have.

But…something have found me.

Something from the ancient past, something that I didn`t like even then when it was present, because even at that time we were too different. Fortunately that something have fallen in love and flew far far away! Aaaaah, how beautiful…it was. Now she`s back. And she wants to renew the contacts…. Dirty… mother…son of the…penetration!!! There!

Sooooooo, not to be too judgemental, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she have changed through the years I clicked „Yes“ on her friend request. Yeeeees, big mistake….

Anyhow, there I was – stalking. (yes, that is stalking, a milder type, but still) Reading her profile and her preferencies. And I saw that she is playing the same role, same old cheap movie playing in her head. Nothing happened in the meanwhile: no epifanies, no desire for upgrading, no need for a change.

Except one thing – she have obviously developed a Zsa Zsa Gabor syndrome. Seriously. She turned getting married into a hobby. And damn, is she emotional! Her corny statuses are literally sputtering from the screen, crying „Dark is the star under which I was born“ or „Oh, misery, my loyal companion“, she is a member of all the prominent groups like: „You call me a whore when I give and when I don`t“, „All the ones that are trashing me just don`t know me well“, „All men are heartless dicks“,  „I am better then her and you`ll be sorry when you finally see it“ and my personal favorite „Love to drink but then I think of you“….or something like it.

Yes. So mature, so profund, so… who makes that groups anyway?!?

The problem with people like this is that you can`t use some subtle approaches like „Coffee? Sure! But not today.You know, deadlines, my apartment is a mess, I still haven`t fed my cat…..Oh, not now, I am sending help to Pakistan and you know the crowd in the post office… I got to run! To a protest in Japan! Bastards are messing with the whales again.… You can`t, because they don`t give a damn. They want to go out with you and talk about themselves, not even thinking about who is the person sitting in front of them. They just don`t see, don`t hear and don`t care.

Damn the social networks! And Google too! How in the world she have found me?!? I`m not signed under my real name, we don`t have any mutual friends…How? Jesus!

And for that reason, from the vampires of our ancient past, and the preservation of our healthy CBC, we should have a new option – Google stake. You click on it and puff! The bloodsucker is gone! For eternity.

So, this is what I want, such a „button“. Let her drink blood to somebody else.

Are you sure you want to Google staking this person?

Yes, I`m bloody sure!

Human banking

One of the things I try to avoid are visits to the bank. Bless the internet. Don`t like them `cause there`s nothing human in it and let`s face it – waiting is not my stronger side.

Anyway, been to one the other day. A smaller one, in the suburbs, to be exact. And I had a proper surrealistic experience.

It was a nice, sunny morning, a usual morning like any other. I entered into a empty bank. Completly empty. Except me, the clerk and the guard, there was nobody there. So I have approached the desk with my morning smile (the one after the 1st but before the 2nd latte) and said „Good morning!“.

The clerk, a lady around 45 with large glasses and interesting hair, looked at me disapproving and said „Where`s your number?“.

So I said: „Excuse me? „ and the guard said „You have to take the number!“.

I looked at him to check if he`s serious – I mean, I am the only living person here! But his face and the look on it was very determined saying that I HAVE to follow the procedure.

OK. I got back to the door, choosed the type of service, took the paper with the number on it, walked back to the clerk dropping the number on the desk. No reaction.

I am looking at her and she is looking at me, with some blank smile on her face. Not moving.

Not speaking. Nothing!

I looked at the guard again (give me some clue man!!!) and he whispered „You have to wait for your number to come out!“.

You gotta be kiddin me…

After few minutes of playing looking-smiling-blankly starring the clerk pressed a button and it showed number 162 on the display. 162!!! It`s mine! I won, I won!!! Yeeeeepeeeeee! What a shocker! They love me, they really love me! I`d like to thank my family, the director, the producers, those lovely people from the…

And then the guard asked „Is this your number?“ …Of course it`s my bloody number!!! There is nobody here except ME!!! What the…….?!?

Then the clerk said „Can I check the number please? Thank you. OK. Good morning, how can I help you?“.

We finished in the same official robotic tone, same smile, same expression. Robo-clerk…

OK, I know that the procedure is very useful when the bank is crowded with people but who`s brilliant idea was to train them to react ALWAYS in the same way, no matter if there is 100 people or just 1 person? And what`s with all that standing, smiling and starring for 10 minutes?

Next time when I get the call from your bank, offering some of your special services, insurance packages, investment opportunities or something similar,  I WILL play a little with YOU:

Press 1 for my personal opinion of your bank

Press 2 for curses regarding your procedure

Press 3 for choosing curses on another language

After half on hour of listening some extremly boring music,  please grade my service. And don`t call again. Ever.