Tag Archive: sex


Kingdom for a pony(tail)!

It`s been 3 months now. And I am still abashed and peppery. Every damn time I see myself in the mirror I am confronted with THAT. „That“ is the sparse cluster of I`ll-go-wherever-I-like-today on my head. Yeeeeees, the hair.

What happened? Well…You know how every now and then somebody recommends you his/her stylist? And sometimes, just sometimes, you actually „try“ it? Yeees, I`ve done it. And now I look like somebody`s aunt who is fashionably stuck somewhere in the early 80s. And trust me, not the cool 80s, but the trashy ones. Hell, I`m sure you`ve been there. What do you do? What is the next move after this…this…disaster?

The answer is expected –   you spend next few months cursing, swearing, raising your hand in righteous anger towards the skies crying „WHY??????“. Of course, then the actions are followed by your creative side using the unfailing spring of imagination where you daydream of several well organized operations against the vicious stylist where you crash through the door, take the scissors and…and….do what you surely don`t do best! But then again, cutting hair is evidently not the strongest side of the mentioned stylist either. So you`re even!

But of course, nobody does that. No, you cry, use the improper words and that`s it. Then you take few deep breaths (one is just not enough) and harmonize with the situation. Face it – all you can do is wait to grow again. Or to completely change your style into something more practical. Which for lots of us is just not the option. (you know, us with the bushy curly hair which just have to have long hair, otherwise they look like the looniest representatives of the 70’s Afro look)

 

But in the meanwhile you may develop a brand new hobby called „I stare eagerly at other woman“. It is cheap, you can practise it almost anywhere, and your best half won`t be jealous, just perfect!

Now really, I do look at aaaaall women, and they are all fine to me. It doesn`t matter if you are 17 or 77, if you have nice long hair or at least a decent female haircut, you`ll se me admiring you. Yes you! Imagine this: you are walking down the street, minding your own  buisness, or having a cup of coffee carefully sipping it like a lady (or a truck driver, nevermind) and somewhere near you there will be someone sighing and saying „Aaaaaah, look at that hair! Beautiful!“ and you will walk away without knowing it. Someone will consider you gorgeous and you won`t have any idea of it. Yeah, yeah, I know what you`re thinking, but this is my new hobby and I am sticking to it! Or at least `till I don`t learn how to knit. Or do gobelins.

 

Seriously, the worst thing that happened is that 3 days after the Big mess I went with a friend of mine for a cup a coffee. I needed a a friendly shoulder and a tap on my back, so I slowly untied my hair, looked at her and asked „Well?“ and she said „Hmmmm…I don`t…hmmm…I would like to say something better but you look… you look… like a WOMAN!“. Damn! Not that, not The WOMAN! No, no, no, no, no, I would take granny, granny hair styles are romantic but the woman…Woman style is serious, woman style is rigid, it it…it is…boring and old. Nobody wants that.

 

So, in the meanwhile until it grows back again, I have decided to wear a ponytail. And I must say that it is a short one. Pretty short. Embarrassingly short.

And I don`t know what I would give to have a lush rich hairy crown on my head again. A kingdom? Hell yes! Hear, hear…a kingdom for a pony(tail)! A kingdom for a wild and primeval proclamation of freedom, strenght and sexuality! A female hair. This beautiful, so personal and unique, touch of feminality. Which must be treated as the crown jewel.

Because I (and everyone else) deserve it.

Or else…

 

 

 

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Damn Facebook. Beside all those silly informations that you get, like when someone woke up today, what did he/she have for lunch, I must also find out who is badly missing sex. Like I care. Like anyone does.

…but thinking about the known and unknown which publish on their wall things like „ha ha ha if only someone would do me“ or „I can`t wait to get it“, besides the gastrointestinal troubles, it have brought me straight down to some other fact: that types like that are actually rarely getting any.

The brief – excessive verbalism of sexuality leads to it`s exclusion.

Statement of grounds – some women, and men,when they hit their middle age (which come galopping, by the way) become insecure and for that reason they reach for extreme vulgarity when expressing sexuality.

Practical example: few years ago, I was working with an hm…lady (?!?), ok woman, for  which I still occasionally blush when I think of her. From that whole on her face called mouth were flying out such vulgarities that I, intonating I, was left speachless. And it`s not like I don`t swear. But with her I was feeling like a 13 year old girl which vexedly observes how her tities grow. You know the feeling.

Anyway, her expressions like „bite my c**t“ were actually very balmy and civilized from her point of view…And it`s not just the matter of personal culture of behavior. When you mix it with the feeling of reduced attraction to the opposite sex, you get a devastating cocktail that can be swallowed only by truck drivers.

The interesting thing is that the same type is often nagging how the opposite sex is, quoting „f***** up, they will only **** you then leave you“. Hm…oh really? What the hell did you expect?!? For crying out load, what were you thinking? And I don`t want hear those grand  speaches about emancipation, freedom and equality. It is simple, when you start with the conversation with „Sooooooo…who big it is?“ don`t expect that he will talk about his mother`s cookies and the height of the hedge of your future house!

Also, if you try this with the regular Joe and he backs off, or runs away, that doesn`t means that he is „totally gay“ because he doesn`t want to have anything with you again.

Get it already: if you act trashy, this is exactly how he is going to respond – he will dump you. Plain and simple.

 

The person for which I`m writting this didn`t have sex for some time now. Long time. She is in her late 30s, educated, quite attractive but she is always using sexual allusions talking to a man. The thing is that even if she gets a positive response, it is always coming from some neanderthal which is convinced to be the greatest stud who ever walked on Earth and functions by the laws of the Holy trinity: F******-Gorging-Sleeping.  And that, she doesn`t want. So deduces that all men are scum.

The thing that is missing to these women is simple: men WOULD. Fact of life. And because of it, there is no need to use that kind of amount of sex in the conversation. Playing cat and mouse can be more erotic, especially if you want something more.

But if you don`t – then don`t play around with the „Ho ho ho“ messages like a drunk Santa but take him by the hand and **** his brains out. And during THAT action THEN talk dirty to him. Knock yourself out!

Otherwise, zip it. To use the immortal words of Elvis – you ain`t nothin but a hound dog, cryin all the time.

That will do (you, him and the whole situation).

 

Because you deserve it, volume 24.

 

I am having a serious conversation. With a 8 year old child. A girl, to be more precise. Which is stirred, not shaken. Anyhow, she would like to know something, but then again maybe she wouldn`t, maybe it would be better for her to don`t know….SPIT IT OUT KIDDO!!! – I go  sympathetically and tactfully. „Uhhhhhhhhh“, says the kid, „Aaaaaaahm… how the babies are made?“. Ha! So she got me thinking how to explain sex to a child without provocing any trauma with all that pushing, flexible holes, self-willing swelling parts and cetera. And all of the sudden, here it comes my Loving one with a book in his hands named „Sexual education for 7-9 year old children“. Gift from above….. And I will adore and kiss your steps, won`t take ever your name from my lips….Give it! Right now!

So, we discovered that the one who`s name we shall not speak (and it`s not Prince/sign or Voldemort) but the one we call Mhhhhhmmmmm-thingy, boys use primerly for peeing, Ha ha ha, he he he, silly boys. Then we discovered that boys and girls too, when they are little older, get hair down there. Uuuuhhhhgh, I don`t want hair there! (though luck kiddo, but even getting lost in the forest has it`s avails, just be careful not to evolve fauna with the flora). Then we passed on a sexual maturity, with her real question: „What are they selling in a sex shop?“. BOOM,  BANG,  BAM, WHAM….. Excuse me?!?!?!?!?….And there goes child innocently explaining that her and her little friend saw the other day one of these shops and they wanted to get in because they can`t figure out what things are actually offered in a such a place. Weeeeeell, hmmmmmmm, you seeeeee, I meaaaaaaan, the people buuuuuuy, ahmmmmmmm…that….pretty-underwear-and-other-things-which-now-would-be-very-boring-to-you-and-for-which-some-adults-think-they-should-buy-it-to-their-sweethearts-with-whom-they-make-love-to-love-each-other-even-more. HA! Next question, please! Quickly! (….son of the…how in the world do they know about the dildo?!?!?!?)

And the she hits me with the next one: why do we have to avoid the sun when we get the period? „. What?????? Who said that???? Her mamma told her, she says, and after it she also said that when they get their period girls must avoid sun at all costs because then they bleed twice as much so now she is wondering what she shoud do during the summer?

To hell with her dim uneducated mother! What kind of nonsense is this?!? No sweety, that ain`t right. You don`t have to hide in caves when you get your period, nothing bad is going to happen, mummy just didn`t get it right. „Oooooh“, she says, „ and can`t you tell me why boys don`t cry?“ And there goes an intervention again, of course they cry, every normal man cries when he feels bad, you know, just like us, when they are sad, angry, or both. Even daddy cries sometimes. And your adored cousin Paul. „But my mom told me that real men don`t cry, ever!“. That mom of yours is a walking idiot, I`m thinking…What else did your mamma say?  „Weeeeell“, she goes “mom said that girls which are changing boys are whores and the boys that are no good are fags.“

 

Can you bealive it!?! But the kid had more of it: that she has to dress „well“ when she is going to the beach because nobody mustn`t see her tities (which tities?!? You`re 8, about which tities are speaking about?!?) or her tush, God forbid (what that she has to wear on the beach, a raincoat?). Then she said that depilation is very painful, that you have to hide from everyone when you have your period…. Incredible. That narrow minded mother of hers will make a a sexually deviant person, like she is, which won`t be able to love herself, or her future partner, or be capable to enjoy sex freely. Because that is disgusting.  All that. Including all the male population.

Then we are speaking about some programmes against discriminations and prejudices. Then you can hear us complaining that men are disrespecting us. No, no, my dear, you got it all wrong. Women are doing it, mostly, raising new generations of frustrated idiots of both sexes which just can`t embrace something normal, like their own bodies, delights and sincere love, labeling it like general shame and sin. Incredible. In this time and age…

 

P.S. what that mother needs is a genuine kick with a mace. Maybe, just maybe, then she would understand how backward she really is and let her child grow up in a happy and satisfied person.