Tag Archive: selfishness


The (im)perfect me.

We all like to think that we are decent persons. We may say to ourselves that maybe we are not perfect (but then again – who is) and that there is no major thing that we should change in our charachter, peronality and behavior.

I don`t know how about you, but through the years I have found (and still finding) some things that were needed to be changed, not just because of my close ones, but primerly for myself. Because it was, and still is, the right thing to do. Because I am feeling better with myself and with the world around me.

 

Just as an example, once, some years ago, I was invited to a dinner party. A good friend of mine was celebrating a birthday and among few of us, his daily musketeers, meaning my ex boyfriend and myself, there were also few people which I didn`t know and which were school friends of my ex and the birthday boy.

Well, they came, sat down and started to chat jocundly.

I say they because I was not.

I was sitting in silence for about half an hour, just listening and observing, and then I started to feel bad. Real bed. Why? Because I was feeling excluded, ignored and in every way erased. As the time passed, I was feeling more and more offended, angry and furious. Nobody was paying attention to me. Nobody was talking to me. Not even the one it should, like my ex. Of course, he was the worst possible companion at the time, not even introducing me, but his bad manners weren`t actually the problem – I was. I was on a party and should be having a good time.

And then, all of the sudden, sitting there, offended like a 16 year old southern belle, it hit me. I was just like my grandmother. Oh no, no, no, no… How could it be?!? I just can`t… But yes, I was…… Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!! What the….????

 

You see, I come from a long line of divas. The ones that must always be the centre, the ones which opinions and needs are always the most important. And must be obeyed or the whole world becomes a dramatic circus. And it looks like that without even knowing it, I was carrying on this „respectable“ flag of selfishness, „spoilness“, egocentrism and sulkiness.

And again, Jesus Holy…

Is this me????? I am really like THAT?!? Well, it sure looks I am. Yes, it is twisted, it is very unhealthy and it is unbearable. Why in the world would I be that kind a person?!? I have a choice: or to be mad at the whole world or the enjoy it.

And just like that, I was calm. Surprised for the epiphany, but I was feeling OK. It was a good liberating feeling. I introduced myself (no, that poor soul of my ex haven`t done a thing the whole evening to interconnect anyone because empathy just wasn`t his thing) and started to enjoy myself with others.

 

What`s the moral of the story? Well, like first, if you want to change someone else – think again. It is very hard to change ourselves, not just because we are creatures of habits, but because the most difficult thing is to admit that we have a malfunction in the first place. And more I`m getting older, I found things about me that are actually preventing a good start for being fully happy and content. And there is no one to blame but me.

Ain`t that fabulous! I can change things! By myself! Yippeeeeeeeee!

 

All jokes aside, growing is a process which doesn`t stops at any age. You have always some „little“ thing which you can do better or in a different way. It is sometimes very hard but it gives you the world. Your own world. The one which you can paint with your own colours.

 

 

And why we would do that?

Because we deserve it.

 

(yours truly, the ex 16 year old brat)

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Rent a life

Let`s put it this way – you are single.

No husband, no kids, no serious relationships. Doesn`t matter why.

But what it does matter is: do you have your life?

Do you exist as a trashcan or as a full package individual?

Definition of the Trashcan:

– family and friends are calling you frequently but mostly, not for pleasantly spent time, but because they need something. Which means that your free time is consisted of running around for them and helping the „needy“. And they often need something. Because they have obligations and problems. Oh really?

You, who are single by definition, in their eyes, have so much time, you don`t have some serious shit going on, that`s why you are not so tired like they are, and therefore you have to be available.

The result? Your social life is on moribund. But the „needy“ are your close ones, so you can`t refuse them. And for all that „I am here for you“ attitude you feel important and needed.

Definition of the Full package individual:

– full package individual exists for itself. Which means that it`s life is fulfilled with personal obligations and passions, family gatherings and consultations are done at maximum twice a month, which applies for that needy friends too, the ones that are calling not just to help and support them, but because they feel lucky and satisfied to share their best with it. The time of Full package individual is it`s own, and it`s own only.

It is going out, it mingles, it has hobbies and it takes good care of itself.

Why the „Trash can“?

Because they are filling you with all their personal trash. Which makes them feel better. And that gives you the feeling of importance. And engaged into the Life.

All their messes, their shits, their joys, you are experiencing deeply emotional. Because this feels like the part of your life.

Well guess again.

THAT is not your life. Because, practically you don`t have one. You are vegetating, plugged to the life support. And to somebody else`s life support, not your own.

They have chosen the life that they are living, with all the obligations, problems, ups and downs, so let them take care of it. Let them manage it, swimm, dive or surf it. Because this, what they do to you, and what you permit to yourself, is not ok. It is just wrong.

Selfishness may have various faces and it`s not necessarily negative.

Because, face it, the things they want from you are very selfish. Even scornful. For now, your personal life is so less important that their`s. And with it, you as a person too.

So, what you should do?

Tell them to go to hell. Yes, they will be offended, possibbly angry, at first (remember . you are the one who teached them that this kind of behavior is OK) but with time – they will accept it. And you won`t be „parasiting“ on other`s lives no more. Because this is exactly what you have been doing.

Instead, turn to yourself. This is what it really matters. Instead of driving your aunts, someone else`s children, dogs, cats and grasshoppers, choose a drink or cup of coffee with somebody pleasent, a nice movie or just dance byself in your living room.

Then you won`t no longer ask yourself why are you feeling so miserable, why you feel exhausted and worn-out, and why are your sitting alone in front of TV when the night comes. And you won`t banging your head with the question „why I am feeling so down when everyone tells me that I am sooooo lucky?“. You won`t feel unsatisfied, nervuos and frustrated. But fulfilled, calm and alive.

So, here is a short message: get a life.

Your own.

Because you deserve it.