Tag Archive: romance

I`m looking at her.

Her name is Roxxxy.

The fuck machine.

And I can`t shake the anguish.

So, for the uninformed, the world of sex and sensual delights have finally  it`s proper representative. Named Roxxxy, this sex robot has 5 „personalities“. You may decide who will you nail today: experienced woman (with 7 years of practice, if I`m not mistaken), a naive girl of „barely 18“, „shy Martha“ or something like it and two more variations. You may even ask her few questions, she also knows something about football and cars. The same second you touch her – she`s ready for penetration, no dinners, no flowers, no chocolate boxes, no flattering, flerting, excusing or wasting time.

No sweat. Wanna fuck and this is it.

For only 9 000 bucks this perfect and everlasting dream may be yours.

And never again you will have to listen:

–         what the hell are you doing?!?

–         are you out of your mind, don`t squeeze it that hard!

–         easy, I`m not the mare!!!

–         I won`t get rid of my vibrator, never!

–         Let me sleep, gotta a bad headache

–         Let`s cuddle first

–         Do you love me? How much?

–         Can`t we try some other way?

–         What is wrong with you? How DARE you to put it THERE?????

Not with her. Oh no! She is ready for everything. Always. Anyway you like it. And you don`t have to try at all, everything you do is perfect. You will be the perfect lover, and she will always scream in ecstasy. Or sigh quietly if you want to. Maybe even cry if that works for ya. (like that Russian Zhirinovski, sick bastard…) Anyhow, she`s got a whole palette of suitable reactions on your poking and pushing. From „Oh yes!“ to „Do me, and do me hard“ ..“ and every damn time you will be amazing erecting you, your pride, joy and delight!

Sooooo… What is exactly bothering me? Like first – alienation.  It`s simple, lazy as they are, soon enough people will be rather choosing some Roxxxy or Coxxxy  (I expect some model for the ladies too) in stead for some human partner, counting how much effort, time and money will they save just to make it worthwhile. Everything will come down to discharge. Without anything. Absolute zero.

Like second, thanks to the frequent usage of sex machine, people will simply forget what it means to be good in bed. Even if you will find some living and breathing person who would like to share her/his juices with you, it will end up as a total coition disaster.

You won`t know who sucks more, you or the other part. You will both be so used to your usual performances that you can forget about the good fuck. Not to mention what will happen to the classical „making love“. The term „bad laid“will rise on undreamt altitudes!

The beauty of human2human sexual (and other) relationships is in exploring, discovering and mutual pleasure. HOW can you enjoy if you know that He/She/IT is programmed to go out of it`s mind whatever and however you do?

I want that I drive someone crazy, that he completly loses it on me, that I am sexy to him because he goes wild on things I do to him, because he discoveres all hot spots on my body, thoughts that turn me on, scenes that blows me out from the orbite and because goes berserk when he sees how hot and willing I am.

I don`t want to enter into the house one day, turn on the system and hear from the speakers „Hello Aqua! Who do you want to fuck today?“

(my sincere apologies to the Microsoft for the dirty and nowise puritanical insinuations)

The good penetration is not buzzardation.


How many times have you heard the phrase „life is now“?

What have you done about it?

The strange thing about people is that they somehow bealive that they will live forever. They sure act that they will! How do I mean, you ask? It`s simple – how many times lately, now be honest, have you refused to go somewhere, to do something, for stupid reasons like your favorite show on the tv, cleaning of your house, or for some deeper issues like fear or shame of something?

I don`t how about you but my guiding star was my neighbour.

At the time, my life was turning around work, after which I found thousands excuses not to go or to do all that I could. I was always tired, in a dull relationship, avoiding the tray of life beause or the offred event was not too interesting, or the presented acivity was too demanding, or something was too expensive, or even on some things I haven`t been present  `cause I was too cynical to admit that maybe I could have fun or learn something there.

But then one day I met my neighbour. She was in the middle of a wedding rush, preparing the big event with the guy she met 2 years ago. She was deeply in love and full of sparks. This is the guy that really suits her, she said, and she is happy as she can be! Oh she is having so much fun! They are constantly mingling around, going on theatre shows, movie shows, concerts, exhibits, lunches, dinners, parties, dancing clubs, at least once a week they are going on short trips in the area, they are taking romantic walks every single day no matter how`s the weather… And she loves it!

I was happy for her. I really was.

But some other thing bothered me – she made me feel stupid, lazy, limited, arogant and God knows what more!

Why? Because she was 77, that`s why!!!

Can you imaggine it? I, in my peak, was drowning in almost complete lack of activities, chronical discontent, picky to the highest level and always with a ready excuse why I won`t do something or go somewhere. Almost nothing was „my thing“.

Oh yes, we were „engaged“ too, but with work and those pityful goings out every weekend to our usual club (pour respectable amount of alcohol in urself and suffer the next day), 2 or 2 drinks after or coffee after work, or with spending the evening in front of tv. Ain`t life great? Aaaaaah!

And they, in their late 70s, both with the advancing arthritis, heart problems, and all those „lovely“ gifts given to them sincerly by their age, THEY were running around like 2 kids, with their eyes wide open and a smile on their faces, enjoying every sound, taste, sight, wondering around on every meadow they saw and steping in every fresh river they could.

And me… I was… I realized I was hopeless like a Somalian trading policy!

Boring?!? What is „boring“? Complete lazyness, that`s what it is! A total and shameful resistance to every idea, change or activity!

They were not old, I was!!!

I was the senior citizien, not them, I was completly and comprehensively geriatrisited!

I had two choices: or to wait the retirement, hoping to be as vivid as she is, or to move my lazy selfish ass and start living as I should.

I chosed the second solution. After all, who knows what will happen in another 40-50 years..

`Cause this today`s pensioners are not like they used to be. They are some ****** competition!

Didn`t want to be unfair towards men so here`s the alarm list of women which need to be avoided. For your own sake.

  1. The Squirell


So called Sweet and sour – sweet from the outside but full of bitterness and pure poison in the inside. A synonim for manipulation, easily slips under man`s The Bitch of the Year radar and for that reason it is the most common type from which men get hurt. She uses sweet and innocent look, ravishing blinking with her eyes, making you feel cool and bright, conviced in total control of the situation.

Big mistake.

Under a ton of carefully places candies, something else is hiding – a malicious and elusive bitch which will make dance as she`s playing. Foxtrot, salsa, mambo, hustle, acrobatic rock`n`roll…you`ll do them all. You will jump around, with a silly smile on your face, like an Easter rabbit!

When you wake up, it will be too late – she will own your ass. Think about it, isn`t it just too good to be true? You men are usually good in logic, we are human, you would have to know that we all have our good and bad sides, yin and yang, remember?… What you said? Oh, that she is so sweet, innocent and harmless!…Well…WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!

We are all good and bad, and if somebody insists on being only sweet, you HAVE to know that she/he is caring tones of poison inside which has to hide. Fact of life.


2. Eternaly unsatisfied

So called The Crow will kljucati you for every little thing you can think of. And beyond. Absolutely everything you do or say just won`t be good enough. Even if she compliments you for something (on Xmass or some other major holiday) after it you will always hear „But…..!“. You will be always followed by her discrediting look, no matter if you are changing you carrier, a light bulb or a shirt. Face it, you just won`t be able to satisfy her.

We are all fantasising to do or say something which will result with the pride and satisfaction in partner`s eyes. This is why you will give all your best to make every day a victorious one. Well…it ain`t gonna happen. Nope. Never.

And in time, for stress and pressure, you will become more awkward and cubbish as each day passes, which will finally lead to inevitable disaster.

So, please, for the sake of the whole humanity, try to eat chocolatte, or do what ever pleases you to keep the stress down.

Or just leave.

`Cause this one…she would turn Buddha into raging terorist!

3. Perfect

She always looks great, wears perfect make up, dressed to kill, always knows when and what to say, doesn`t have any problems, always in control of everything, she is never late… Beautiful! Just perfect! Standing ovations!

So what can you expect living with her? Well, she is perfect and that means that you have to be perfect too. Translating: you will never use any dirty word, drink something as vulgar as beer is, you will have sex at the exact day and time that is agreed – never before and never after, you will never eat onion again (You stink like a pig!), never put a glass on a table without a coaster, you will always have to think carefully before you say something (Don`t embarace me!), you will never spend an afternoon or evening on front of the tv (Do something constructive!) and so on.

You`re with her, so that means you have to be perfect too. All the time, everywhere, anyhow.

Are you up to it?

4. Attention whore

So called „Forest brook“ – so noisy and so shallow! Extremly superfficient, flerts with anything that breaths, no matter if you`re present or not, it doesn`t matter. She always has to be in the centre of the attention, star of the every party, giggles a lot, screams often and loughs too loud. No matter how she looks, her selfconfidence is so low that this kind of attention is the only thing that can actually „feed“ her. Mostly with lower intelligence, this example often „jumps out“ for her body language which is provocative and cheap. Anything for attention.

She is usually with somebody who bealives to her every word and to the fact that only he, actually, truely knows her… Right…Until she runs into something something more appealing. A better audience. She lives for admiration.

The fact is that even when you do it with her she is thinking what impression that she leaves on you. She works on a principle of a moth and a lamp.

Usually, only the extremly dumb men are attracted to her. No harm to the rest of the humanity.


5. Motherly type

Huh….a bad one. By default, men like when a woman takes care of them. They adore when she cooks them, cleans to them, irons… And this is why they easily fall on this type. That thing that they don`t see clearly is that She doesn`t see them. At all.

What She does see is a completly immatured creature, totally incapable to take care for himself. So degeneric that he wouldn`t be able to dress in the morning if She wasn`t around. Without Her he would die of hunger, wondering around all dirty not knowing when and where he is going…

The only messagge that She`s got is: you are not a man, you are a retarded child. Without me you don`t exist.

If you don`t mind to be treathed like an idiot, knock yourself out.

6. Gold-digger

You better earn more than she can spend. The value of the man for her is estimated upon his ability to cash. Men are usually picking them aware of the choice. Fair trade – look beautiful, keep your mouth shot, do as I say and you will get what you want.

If you`re not Bill Gates, and you still want something like it for yourself, prepare yourself for big loans, followed by taking money from some really shady people and finally a long jail time. Don`t worry, she won`t be crying long after your change of address. Soon (like a day after) she will find comfort in another men`s wallet, pardon! arms.

Bless her.

7. Classical Eager-to-get-married

Very often speciment, it doesn`t matter who you are or what you are, as long as you have a finger on which she may place a ring. She actually not even notices you. You area totally irrelevant factor. Until it comes to the final phase, she will say and do anything. You are the smartest, most beautiful men she ever saw.

It`s easy to recognize her `cause she is stenjati as soon as you touch her stockings. Oh, how she wants you! You are so exciting! Right…

After the wedding ceremony suddenly you turn into a plain spitting and quirking object. Umjesto your name, her sententes begin with „That idiot…“. Sex is very rare and even if it happens starts with „Can you hurry? My favorite show begins in 2 minutes.“. Forget about the oral satisfaction cause it is pure SF for you now.

Stručno said, you`re fucked.

By the way, your mother in law will become a permanent inventory in your house, giving a push to your „loving one`s“ insults and nugging. Congratulations!

8. The Amazon

Her main line is that all men ar scum which must be punished. About 400 years ago someone have broken her heart and for that reason you`re gonna pay… Oh how will you pay!

Actually, she would like to be loved, somewhere deep inside (very, very, deep) but she just can`t let it go. So she is pljuvanje on you and on the whole male population. ..`Cause you`re pigs…All of you…Jerks…Worth only for hard labour and reproduction….Bastards..

She is indipendent, doesn`t ask too much care, and sex is mostly great. If you`re really patient, don`t mind to be stamp on every once in a while, maybe…just maybe, something will come up of it. But do it slowly. Otherwise she will bite your head off.


9. The Double Agent

So called Lady in distress doesn`t leaves the first one until she finds the next one who will take care of her. Every man has a irreparable flaw and there is always someone better out there. She`s immature and hard to please. Looking for a fairytale but it`s has to be written, played and directed by someone else. Mostly very femminine, she will convince you that she gave everything to the bastard that she`s with now, but he is so bad, doesn`t love her really…And she`s miserable, doesn`t now what to do… Oh but look, now you`re here and she finally sees the light at the end of he tunnel, ˙cause you`re so great blah, blah, blah…

She is so good at this that usually you won`t be sure will she leave the bastard for you or not, or are you more than friends or just…

Don`t kid yourself, in the same time she is chirping with 3 more morons like yourself. If you „win“ and get stuck with her….Well, too bad. You can only hope that she will leave you soon enough for some other victim.

10. Save me

Always week, a total parasite, she is looking for her daddy. She expects that you will take care of her all the time, that you will take all the responsability and decisions, so if anything bad happens – it will be completly your fault. As the time goes by, the Knight in shiny armour becomes a working horse which pulls for both of them, while she just lays on her back. Everything is too hard for her, complicated and unsolvable, but she has You, her hero, which will solve everything with such ease and a smile on his face….

At first you will feel strong, menly and powerful but after a certain period you won`t be able to shake the feeling of exhaustion and dispair. And then you may ask: who`s your daddy?

Because that is extactly what you`ll become – a father for a needy child. And you know how they call ol`bastards which sleep with a child? Yes, the P word. It is twisted and sick. Shame on you!

There, now nobody can tell I`m a sexist.

And one more, usually you may find several types mixed in one person. And that is a cocktail you really shouldn`t drink. Imagine the hangover!