Tag Archive: relationship


Once upon a time there was a little girl. As the time passed by, the girl grew up and become a woman. That is, she sure looked like one: she was tall, had a nice hair that she brushed entirely by herself, she had a job, her place to stay… all the grown up stuff. But the thing she didn`t have is a stable grown up relationship.

Hm…now that`s tough, her mother thought. „When you are going to find a decent  man?“ – she asked often, smudging the woman with that amiable varnish of expectation and guilt. And how mothers often do, she didn`t stop there: „Oh! Jenny, remember, Jim`s and Joan`s doughter, just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! And Stella, the one across the street, just got married for a lawyer! Ain`t that just great?!?“.  

Well, yippeeeeeee!

The grown up girl knew that she had a problem. It`s not that she didn`t want someone „decent“ it`s just that, somehow, it never worked with anyone. She tried and tried, got hurt, got scared, got bored, got physically satisfied, got frustrated, got angry but never got happy and calm. Finally, after all those years she started asking one question to herself – is it me?

The answer is – yes.

It is you, honey. And the only thing that is „wrong“ with you is that you`re scared. Why? Well, that`s an easy one!

Try to remember how many times during the years have you heard the sentence „Men are great!“? C`mon try it! Nothing? Try harder…Still nothing? Hm…

And know try the easy one – how many times have you heard the opposite? Aha. How many times have you heard it this week? This month? What about this year? Oh, that much.. And how many stories you heard showing it?…Hm…

Get the picture?

And then how in the world do you expect that you will enter in it with your hands and heart opened? You know, the parts that are actually required for a decent relationship. The parts you want form the other person too. That parts that you require also.

All jokes aside, but have you ever thought about all those scary things and „facts“ that they  told us when we were growing up? We heard it from out parents and our friends, which are now actually expecting that we have a „proper“ relationship. A marriage too, the one that it will last.

But nobody thinks that you got actually and deeply scared. Hell, they done such a  good job that you have already started to pick men for which you KNOW you won`t stay with. The ones that even on the very beginning you see that you really don`t have too much in common, so you decide to give it a shot knowing deep inside that it will be over. Because that way you are sure – men are everything they told you they will be. No surprises here.

 

So you wander around like Dorothy Gale (and gale you are, blowing away all the good things) searching for the one who will take you home (you know, that loving, safe and warm place) but scared as hell of all that lions, tigers, bears and what not. And why? Because you got the instructions. All the clarifications, interpretations and illustrations, teaching you to ski then buying you a ticket for a public swimming pool. And hoping that no harm will come out of it.

 

Click your heels Dorothy, and come home. Here men are sometimes sweet, often fun and always alive. Like you are. There are no smokey wizards, no made up animals or special effects. Just you and the whole shiny real world. Enjoy it.

 

Because you deserve it 25.

 

 

 

 

 

Severely attacked (and insulted) by a nasty cold. Howcome the daytime television become a synonym for stupidity, I had nothing better to do than to surf upon all grand and small waves of the web. Uuuuuuh and goes what I found – one of the chick sites with all the „guaranteed, bonified and verified“ advices for, quoting „How to drive a man wild“.

Read it, done it and had fun.

So I advice you to do the same, just follow these few simple steps. Ready?

 1.  First lean your head a little to one side (that will, so thay say, send a signal that you are interested)

2, Then open your mouth a little and stay that way (don`t over do it otherwise you`ll look like you have a facial paralises, really don`t want that)

3. Ater that you have to concentrate on your eyes – you have to blink slooooowly but don`t you dare closing it, just leave them half-opened (here you are taking a risk to cry your eyes out like you are involved in some strange new military experiment, but hey – you do want to look sexy, don`t you?)

4. To bring the new look to perfection, throw one hip to the right and your left leg to the front, while in the same time you have to turn your knee towards your right (just be careful not to crash down to the floor otherwise Paula Abdul will spit on you like a llama on a unsuspecting child for the lack of elegance, and you reaaally don`t what THAT)

There.

Done it?

Now look yourself in the mirrow. Fantastic, isn`t it? You look like a real retard! THIS will guarantee you to drive every man wild. The only problem is that he will run wild too, but in the other direction from where you`re standing. But then again, hey you can`t have it all!

Like we have agreed before the secret of the sex appeal is…..to be yourself. Relaxed yourself. I mean, how in the hell you may even think of sex when you are concentrated on your body trying to perform some strange mixture of Jiu-Jitsu, Swan Lake and Thriller dance?!?

How to be outrageosly rich?

How to fuck 1450 chicks in one year and become rich?

How to become incredibly happy and rich, of course?

In our age, the postmodern neurotic period, we have like tons of selfhelp books in every corner. Some of them are actually good but the majority are total trash. The sad thing about it is the fact that on the wings of consumerism, selfishness and self-pity on which we are flying, we are looking for turbofast and hypereasy solutions which will bring us to a general bliss, with minimal effort. And of course, that book also must have a part where it`s author is convincing us how we are actually wonderful but the others just don`t see it. But they will, after the author`s secret advice. Sure.

Why am I bothered with it? Because of the conversation I had the other day. Here it is.

She: „Will you take me to the library?“

Me:“?!? I have to take you? Why?“

She: „Because I need a book, and you are the only one that I know, that does things like this. Goes to the library and borrows books. You know, really reads.

(Here I felt like a leper, like a total freak, a weirdo. I`ve become „the-one-who- goes-to-library-and-really-reads“. What will my neighbours think? I will be socially excommunicated!)

Me:And what book do you need?“

She: „How to have a really good fight, or something“.

Mazel tov!

The thing is that she and her man are constanly fighting. 24-7. Waking up, you son of the bitch, dressing, you idiot, going to work, why are you late you moron, coming home, where`s my lunch stupid, afternoon chilling, I can`t stand you, watching tv, you heartless bitch…. A true idyll.

And from all the things in the world, all moves, solutions – they want a selfhelp book named How-to-have-a-really-good-fight. They don`t remember when they talked normally last time or when they spent an hour in pleasant silence. But they do want the fightings to continue on completely another level.

The thing is that they are appropriately deaf. Enjoying in their own voices that much, and not having a clue that, just maybe, the other side has some rights and needs too. So they scream. All the time. And now, with the help of the good book, they will have the possibility to throw in some quotations too like: „No, no,no, you jerk! On the page 47 it says that….“.

You get the picture.

I, on the other hand, am waiting for another book to come out – „38 things on which you may conclude that you are a selfish manipulative child and for which you may bitch slap yourself“.

Till then, it looks I will take others on a library tour. I have the license.

Helping them to find the way for their desired destination, Selfishville.