Tag Archive: personal


Isn`t it beautiful when people fall in love? You remember, the butterflies in your stomach, the sparkling energy which you generate like a smaller nuclear plant, the joy you want to share with the whole world. And of course, the changes you make to yourself – taking more care of your appearance and even polishing your little possible flaws. You know, like saying you absolutely love how your chosen one enjoys football. Everything just to be more likable to the object of your infatuation.

And like they say, it is all fair in love and war. Well, at least until that love really grows into a war.

Robert was a fairly reasonable guy, but 10 years ago he met Diane and deeply fell in love. The feeling was so strong that he couldn`t wait to marry her. She was the one, the perfect one for him. So only 5 months after, they organized a small ceremony and exchanged the rings in front of the family and close friends.

But what Robert didn`t expect is that his loving Diane has also brushed her character flaws and interests. Just like he did in the beginning. Time was passing by slowly, discovering how different they really were. He really enjoyed in martial arts, becoming a real sensei as the years passed by, and she hated the physical activity so much that his enthusiasm made her hate herself. He enjoyed literacy so much that he started to write himself, while she spent her time watching the soap operas every afternoon. Robert adores children and started to feel quite unhappy realizing that Diane wouldn`t even think of having them. While his spiritual side is something he cares about, Robert led his life just trying to be a good person, but without visiting the God`s house. Diane, on the other side, found that she liked going to church a few times a week. And resented him for not going with her. The list goes on and on.

So they decided to split. For good. Before the hate becomes their only mutual connection.
All this time, the whole 10 years, Robert hasn`t said a single ugly word about Diane or their life. Not to her, not to anyone else. His parents thought him that being a good man means also to be kind and civilized and to always defend your family. And for long ten years, Diane was his family.
A month ago, my phone rung. I answered and heard:

„I did it! I finally did it!”, Robert yelled on the other side. „The marriage is over, we signed the papers and I said it!”

„Said what?”, I asked, completely confused.

„I said: Diane, %#& you! Did you hear? %#& you, Diane!”, he shouted.

„Ahm, I`m sorry, what? What`s the big deal?”

„Because now I can finally say what I feel!”

As it turned out, through all those long years, he never came even close to say what he really thinks or feels. He didn`t allow himself to do it. When I asked why he kept quiet, he said that it wasn`t appropriate. To swear in front of his own wife. Because, according to him, he didn`t want to hurt her feelings. Like the divorce wouldn`t.

We are talking about the freedom of speech, but forget to take that right in our own intimate universes. It is important to say it, to express our feelings and elaborate our stands. Even if it`s a bad and ugly word.

So take that right. Say it. Just let it out. Maybe it`s not appropriate all the time, but sometimes that one word means freedom. For your close ones and for yourself. And maybe that ugly word will give the future to your whole life story.

Because you deserve it, dammit, vol.197.

from the bottom of the heart

 

 

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So, there’s me, standing on the street, minding my own business. After few minutes of such performance, a woman comes along. She stops and starts some light conversation, adding that she is just waiting for her husband to pick her up. A minute later, a car stops, the woman smiles, waves to her good man, turns to me and… She hugs me! She really hugged me! Like she knew me for years. I met a real true street hugger!

I was so surprised that I just stood there and remembered to pat her on the back because I really didn’t know what else to do. And it was a long hug. I mean, I don’t know if my mother hugged me for that long in my whole life. Don’t get me wrong, the woman seemed really pleasant, but I was so shocked that I was blinking like an idiot way after she was gone.

What in the world came to her? Why would you hug a total stranger? On the street, someone you don’t know, who is just sharing a piece of a public space with you for few minutes. And she looked really happy during and after the act. Then she got me thinking, maybe I looked sad and she thought that I needed it. If I did, maybe I should wear a t-shirt with the sign “It’s just my face. Move along”. I’m not a big hugger. I have only a few friends with which I would do it and those hugs are saved for special occasions, like birthdays and so. OK, few more when one of those friends gets a little drunk and starts to compulsively hug everyone around.

But somehow, that day that woman felt the need to do it.

And I accepted it.

You know what?

I have probably deserved it, 177. Bear hug

 

So, I`m standing in a line at the post office, patiently waiting for my turn and minding my own business. Suddenly I hear a quarrel and the woman in front of me storms off angry as hell.

“Did you see that?!” the clearly surprised and offended bank employee asks me behind the counter.

“Ahm, actually… No. Not really.” I reply, hoping that she won`t drag me into her own personal drama because I already lost half an hour standing there. As it turned out – I was wrong.

“All I did was to congratulate her on her pregnancy! How in the hell should I know that she`s just obese?!” – the woman continued clearly upset.

Aaaaaaand that was it. I could, heavens know I could zip it, ignore it and do what I was supposed to and get the hell out of there. But no, for some reason, I decided to open my mouth and reveal to her my point of view.

“Well, for the sake of argument, let`s say that I congratulate you know for being blessed. How come you are obviously not, the only logical explanation is that you are fat. Now, tell me, would that be a compliment or would you spend the whole day nagging and cursing?”

There she is, looking at me, not sure should she punch me in the face, throw a stapler at my reasonably big head or argue with me too. Honestly, it looked like a scene from a spaghetti western. You could almost hear Good, Bad and the Ugly soundtrack.  And then she decided, wisely, if I may add, to just sigh and say:

“You people are all so unreasonable…”

I had a friend with the similar situation – some girl she hasn`t seen in years told her “Oh my God! You are pregnant!” At the time my friend was on some insanely hard diet, trying to chase away the extra pounds, tormented by hunger and those skinny jeans that look good only on the window shop dolls. She was hurt by those words. So hurt that she started crying in the middle of the club.

Then when about those nasty bladder infections? I don`t know about you but during it, my tummy has a life of its own – it grows in all directions. Before that event, it never occurred to me that someone may think that I got pregnant.

The thing is that I don`t think that that girl or the woman in the post office wanted to be mean. That was just plain stupid. Inconsiderate and dumb. And in the end, why in the world would someone else be bothered by the size of your stomach? Why would they even care? The answer is – maybe not intentionally, but they are still proud on their flat tummy. So damn proud that they will use every possible situation, not even thinking about, to show to the world that THEY are the proud owners of a nice flat belly area. And you are not.

Honestly? I dont mind to have it unless it really starts to mess with my clothes. You know the situation; you really want to go to work in that pair of pants but somehow they refuse to collaborate and let you in. I love to eat. I really truly enjoy every bite. And I have a love-hate relationship with my scale. Usually, I swear it, get angry and ignore the damn thing for weeks. Then, after the loud argument with my favorite pants, I humbly get back to the scale almost praying to find a revelation that I haven`t climbed for few more pounds. And almost every time the scale starts to laugh frantically and I march away from it.

But does it matter? No.

I’ve spent years in dieting, almost died in a gym, (well, it felt like it) and spent money on several magic potions. And yes, I lost few pounds, then started to eat again and after it, I was right at the start. I really hope that I won`t allow myself to turn myself into a whale one day, but after all those years I came to the conclusion that my quality of life and how much I enjoy in it is what is important.

Not the size, not the weight, and definitely not random strangers and their opinions.

And that should be the motto of all of us.

In my world, the only blessing I need is my personal happiness. And I do hope that it’s yours too.

Because we deserve it, 174.