Tag Archive: mom


I am trying to be polite so I say: „She is really sweet but, don`t take this personally, she is a litlle bit…slow.“. He stands there in silence for few seconds, then answers: „Yes…She is. I don`t know what`s wrong with her. At first I thought that she`s stoned but now I see she isn`t. She really wasn`t like that before. Really. Can`t understand what happened to her….“.

We are talking about His friend, that He hadn`t see for some time now. And he hadn`t because the mentioned Slowie got married, got pregnant and gave birth (in that order exactly, a miracle!). We met her the other day and she invited us on a cup of coffee, euphorically, and we said yes, of course. At first, I didn`t get it, I thought that it`s just the way she is – little slow, but positive and cheerful, can`t hate her even if you want it to. You know the type.

Beeeeeep! Wrong!

He said that she was always very sharp, quick and everything that comes in the package with and intelligent, creative, witted and funny person. Hm…But now she`s not. Oh, she is funny, but in a different way. She is over-jolly ( playing Puff the Magic Dragon in the background) but you have to  e-x-p-l-a-i-n everything, slooooowly, with all details…Every joke and comment you make are received with a confused look and lots of questions…Exhausting. Very. I mean, she is sweet but… Just too much.

Then the phone ringed last night. I picked it up. On the other line I found a friend, a woman and a mother of a 4 year old girl.

37 minutes. To make it clear: thirty-seven-minute conversation of cooking, various symptoms, the child, it`s health, nurturing and education, upcoming precaution regarding sun, sunburns and everything which represents a danger for a child.

37 minutes until she just stopped. I heard nothing but complete silence for a minute or so. Then I heard a sigh, followed by: „Jesus, how I would like to go alone on a beach this summer, to jump in the water, swim slowly without any pressure, lay on the sand and just enjoy the sun in silenceYou know, not to jump every 2 seconds because the child is thirsty, hungry, because she`s bored, because… Just to enjoy myself. Me, understand? Me.“

Which remembered me on that Slowie with euphoric outbursts. Damn it! I get it! She was high on freedom! That`s it! She made it! She escaped! Only for an hour or two..fresh air, freedom… Doped, stoned, baked, toasted, buzzed, mashed, fried, blitzed…Then I remembered all the others which allowed the grindstone, the ones which allowed that everything is  subjected to their child and house, the ones that don`t exist anymore, the ones that can`t afford to take an hour or two per day of freedom. For a cup of coffee, of undisturbed staring in TV, of reading, of leaving the house alone for an hour where there will be only them, without children….or anything else. Just them.

When I was a kid, my parents were different. They could BREATH. We were outside playing, almost all the time (coming home only to grab a bite). When they were talking we couldn`t interrupt, if they were watching they favorite show – we weren`t crying and banging, yelling that we are bored, that we want to watch a cartoon…Their friends were coming, and we weren`t seeking for attention, they went to work, they were going out… And we turned OK. We really did. So did they.

But this moms… No wonder they lose it every now and then. The only thing they think about are children and home, they can`t remember when was the last time they done something for themselves. They are behaving like they are serving a deity. Prasing. A cult. A cult of a child.

That is a pressure. Coming from the society. It actually demands from the parents to become completly abnormal, to treat their children like they are retarted, because the poor kids just can`t be or do anything by themselves. Well, THAT is retarded and abnormal.

From now on you should do this: the next time your kid starts badgering and crying that he/she is bored, take a deep breath, shrug, and say: „I don` t give a damn. Work something out. Mom will take some time for herself. And don`t bother her for a while. Go, shush!“.

Then go out, lay down, get stoned, whatever.

 Because mom deserves it. Every day.

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You know those sick bastards (and I`m sure you do) which are hiding and beating behind the bushes? That perverted type which is addressing you with a larynigitic voice „I would fuck youuuuuuuu...“ then following you home? The one which is jerking off and running after you in the same time? Those sorrowful creatures which you discover in almost every block when the night falls and on every beach during the summer?

The ones for which today you never go out alone at night, avoid walking in the parks or, God forbids, on some strange quiet alleys. Terrible, isn`t it?

But have you ever asked yourself what made them that way? Well, maybe this is the answer.

I`m sitting in a pretty pleasent company, on a house party, sipping some nice wine. And there we are, a bunch of laid back friends and new kith, joking and talking… You know how those things go. Like I said, I`m sitting cosily and bibbing my Chardonney, feeling fine, when out of the blue, one broad, a woman and a mother, starts with her dilemma:

Woman/mother: „I real think there is something wrong with our kid…..“

Audience: „Why? How do you mean?“

Woman/mother: „He˙s not jerking off!“

Audience: „?!?!?!?“ (how should you react on such a statement anyway?) …“Hmmmm…weeeell…hmmmmm…How old is he?“ – we ask embarrassingly.

Woman/mother: „12“ – she says.

Audience: „How do you know he`s not…you know….beating the monkey?“ – we ask again blinking in abashment.

Woman/mother: „I check! Every now and then, I crash suddenly into his room or bathroom and I still have managed to catch him!“

JESUS! Holy…Say what?!?!?

I almost dropped the glass! WTF?!?!? She does what?…It`s…You`re…Unbelievable!

No wonder he`s not jerking off! How could he, poor thing?

How in the world she doesn`t sees how traumatic it must be to the kid, all the time living in the fear if his mother will fly in the room (or bathroom) while he is whacking?!?

Can you imagine what must be going in his head: there he is, cockering his little friend, his little pride and joy, dreaming of some delicious chick and her nice big boobs, just him and his right hand working together, and he feels fiiiiiiiiiine, yeah, ….that`s it….he`s almost there…oh yes…there he goes…oooooooooooh….and his mother comes bursting in! He would…he would… he would die!!! Jesus! To get caught in that age by your mother while you are masturbating!

And if he is not doing it, he surely doesn`t do it because of her, for crying out loud! Because he never knows when the perverted sicko of his mother will crash in like SWAT! And what would she say if she would „catch“ him? You`ve been punked?!? Or: let mamma see if you`re doing it properly?!?

What a control freak. What in the world do you have to do with his little ding-dong? Of course he`s not normal, how can he be? When every time he feels that strange but pleasant arising, he remembers his mother. Thinking how she will enter in the room right at this moment. Cathing him in the middle of the performance. Give the kid some privacy!

What a world! And then you ask how the perverts are made. In this very way, dear respected woman/mother! When a healthy, delightful and above all joyful act becomes a traumatic experience caused by such a parent! Who wants to think of his mother when he`s doing it?!? What a freak!

I am sincerely hoping that I won`t meet her again so soon. Or her kid, when he grows up, when I think of it.

Went yesterday to a opening of a new drogstore. Me and about one million people too.And children. Running, screaming, curious, destructive children. And their mothers. Ignorant, indifferent, and apparently deaf mothers.

On the parfume and make up section, I saw a security guy who was helplessly observing the total chaos: kids, from 2-10 years old, were hosing and sprinkling each other with perfumes, spilling all the nail polish they could, drawing flowers on the floor with lipsticks… I mean demolishing the store. With the belonging sound background….While their mothers haven`t paid any attention to it. Let the children play… Aren`t they sweet?

Damn it, are you blind?!? And deaf??!!????

I read recently that a restaurant have decided not to tolerate the „nasty“ children and their parents. And for that decision, lots of people found themselves offended and shocked. Why???? How in the world did you mean that other people may find this behavior cute? Or funny. Or normal? Or desirable! Have mercy towards the others! And respect. You may be very proud on the product of your sexual activity, but the child is a HUGE responsability, and if you are not 100% sure that you are able to raise it, educated and train it, don`t do it!

You must have a permit for driving your car or for fishing, but nobody asks you anything if you decide to bring and raise a new person. So that every idiot may brag with his offspring. Lots of them can`t even take care of themselves but they sure know how to „stick it“ (or „take it“) not to mention what it takes to raise a new human being and help him become a man/woman. Then, few years later, if their „little miracle“ does something really bad, and turns into a reject, they wonder how it happened.

Do you have what it takes? Think about it. Do you bealive that you have enough strenght, selfcontrol, authority, personal education and training that you may bring up a person with qualities? Are you prepared to listen for few hours or days crying, screaming and booing after a simple NO? Are you capable to endure child`s begging or emotional extortions without backing down? Or to hear „I HATE YOU!“ if you don`t give him/her something, or let him do or go somewhere, hoping that one day he/she will grow up and understand that your decision was for his/her best? Are you prepared to be his parent, and not his best friend, his pal, someone who „digs him“, someone who is cool, just not to start a conflict? Because you want your child`s endless love. After all, this is your blood, you adore it, you would give your life for it…wouldn`t you?

I deeply respect those strong good parents who know what it takes and what they have to take to raise a good person. My standing ovations, really.

But to the others… No, it is not cute if your „bundle of joy“ is breaking things around, smashing everything on it`s way or screaming out loud while you try to speak on the phone with someone. And that someone is screaming back to you , because you didn`t understand a word what he/she said. No, it is not sweet how you raise your voice so that we can hear you. We don`t want to get a serious hearing damage or a huge headache.

So that next time, if you call us, and you spoiled brat is screaming like an idiot, seeking for your undivided attention for 24 hours, don`t be surprised if the conversation will be somehow strange and don`t be shocked on what you will hear.

Thanks a lot.

I SAID….THAAAANKS A LOOOOOT!

Click. Beeep…beeeep…beeeeep…. Please don`t call us if you don`t have at least some respect for us, so that you can explain to your child that the grown-ups are important too.