Tag Archive: life


Kingdom for a pony(tail)!

It`s been 3 months now. And I am still abashed and peppery. Every damn time I see myself in the mirror I am confronted with THAT. „That“ is the sparse cluster of I`ll-go-wherever-I-like-today on my head. Yeeeeees, the hair.

What happened? Well…You know how every now and then somebody recommends you his/her stylist? And sometimes, just sometimes, you actually „try“ it? Yeees, I`ve done it. And now I look like somebody`s aunt who is fashionably stuck somewhere in the early 80s. And trust me, not the cool 80s, but the trashy ones. Hell, I`m sure you`ve been there. What do you do? What is the next move after this…this…disaster?

The answer is expected –   you spend next few months cursing, swearing, raising your hand in righteous anger towards the skies crying „WHY??????“. Of course, then the actions are followed by your creative side using the unfailing spring of imagination where you daydream of several well organized operations against the vicious stylist where you crash through the door, take the scissors and…and….do what you surely don`t do best! But then again, cutting hair is evidently not the strongest side of the mentioned stylist either. So you`re even!

But of course, nobody does that. No, you cry, use the improper words and that`s it. Then you take few deep breaths (one is just not enough) and harmonize with the situation. Face it – all you can do is wait to grow again. Or to completely change your style into something more practical. Which for lots of us is just not the option. (you know, us with the bushy curly hair which just have to have long hair, otherwise they look like the looniest representatives of the 70’s Afro look)

 

But in the meanwhile you may develop a brand new hobby called „I stare eagerly at other woman“. It is cheap, you can practise it almost anywhere, and your best half won`t be jealous, just perfect!

Now really, I do look at aaaaall women, and they are all fine to me. It doesn`t matter if you are 17 or 77, if you have nice long hair or at least a decent female haircut, you`ll se me admiring you. Yes you! Imagine this: you are walking down the street, minding your own  buisness, or having a cup of coffee carefully sipping it like a lady (or a truck driver, nevermind) and somewhere near you there will be someone sighing and saying „Aaaaaah, look at that hair! Beautiful!“ and you will walk away without knowing it. Someone will consider you gorgeous and you won`t have any idea of it. Yeah, yeah, I know what you`re thinking, but this is my new hobby and I am sticking to it! Or at least `till I don`t learn how to knit. Or do gobelins.

 

Seriously, the worst thing that happened is that 3 days after the Big mess I went with a friend of mine for a cup a coffee. I needed a a friendly shoulder and a tap on my back, so I slowly untied my hair, looked at her and asked „Well?“ and she said „Hmmmm…I don`t…hmmm…I would like to say something better but you look… you look… like a WOMAN!“. Damn! Not that, not The WOMAN! No, no, no, no, no, I would take granny, granny hair styles are romantic but the woman…Woman style is serious, woman style is rigid, it it…it is…boring and old. Nobody wants that.

 

So, in the meanwhile until it grows back again, I have decided to wear a ponytail. And I must say that it is a short one. Pretty short. Embarrassingly short.

And I don`t know what I would give to have a lush rich hairy crown on my head again. A kingdom? Hell yes! Hear, hear…a kingdom for a pony(tail)! A kingdom for a wild and primeval proclamation of freedom, strenght and sexuality! A female hair. This beautiful, so personal and unique, touch of feminality. Which must be treated as the crown jewel.

Because I (and everyone else) deserve it.

Or else…

 

 

 

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Don`t be an idiot

I know many people.

And every time when I think that I have seen it all, something somehow still may surprise me. Like for example, I was always wondering why do the manufactures put those silly warning labels on their products…until I actually met that…hmmm…interesing individuals that are not an urban legend. They do exist and yes, they really need that warnings.

 

Like the one on deep-frozen food. You know, it says something like „After defrosting bake for 5 minutes“. Which is common reason for most of the people. I mean, you won`t just defrost it and eat it, it is still raw for crying out loud! That is, you would think so… Some – won`t. I met a creature that actually ate it like that and declared „…well…it wasn`t sooooo good like they say…it was somehow…sluggish..“. Of course it was sluggish, it was RAW!!! When I asked her didin`t she at least see the warning, she said „Why? Who reads that?!?“.

Then you have that incredible warning on the iron. There you may read: „Do not iron clothes on body“. I mean, WHO irons clothes on himself?!? Well someone does. I`ve seen it with my own eyes. And she is not affraid of getting her skin burned, or thinks that it is stupid. Au contraire, she says that it is a very practical move. Ha!

But the thing that really got me thinking is the Cesar Millan show. There you may see the dog whisperer restraining various best friends, curs, bitches and doggies. In the show, on almost every „action“ scene you may read „Do not try this at home without professional help“ or something like it. And? I wonder how many people have taken this advice?

You see, I like dogs very much, but I never trust them 100% (this one goes for the people too). I don`t because every living creature can be pretty agressive and irrational when it feels insecure. With people it is manifestated on various ways, but dogs – they bite. Hard.

And they have the proper equipment too (except in the situation of doggy geriatric case, caused mostly by the tones of eaten kibbles during the years, these dogs suck, literally). And now you have, after the seen show, many venturesome heads, totally fascinated (and infatuaded, if I may say) who think that this is easy-peasy. Ha, piece of cake! Is that all that I have to do? So this means that all I have to do, when I meet an agressive dog, is to crouch, look to the ground and  reach my hand towards the dog! Isn`t this great or what! Fantastic!Simply…

People like this do not even think on the probable epilogue, that is on „I-crouch-reach-my-hand-and-finish-without-it“. Or the „I-crouch-and-the-sweet-little-rottweiler-jumps-on-my-throat“. How adorable! Ha!

 

And for that reason, I am thinking about a new educational campaign called „Don`t be an idiot!“. The targeted individuals would be all that overconfident types for which the game of  cerebral marbles is just too damn hard. The slogans would be „No, you really can`t do it“, then „You are not brave, you`re an idiot“ and „Only for the ones with the valid health insurance“.  Only then some of the ambitious will maybe stop BEFORE providing traumas to it`s family and friends. Before the story ends with stitches or that horrible solution  of dog putting to sleep. For some idiot`s fault, of course.

 

So this is why, in the Cesar Millan fashion, I whisper: ….look into my arm……..feel my energy…..this is not for you…this is not for you……….you are not the dog whisperer, you are number 87 in the emergency room....

 

Because we (and dogs) deserve it, vol. 23.

I am having a serious conversation. With a 8 year old child. A girl, to be more precise. Which is stirred, not shaken. Anyhow, she would like to know something, but then again maybe she wouldn`t, maybe it would be better for her to don`t know….SPIT IT OUT KIDDO!!! – I go  sympathetically and tactfully. „Uhhhhhhhhh“, says the kid, „Aaaaaaahm… how the babies are made?“. Ha! So she got me thinking how to explain sex to a child without provocing any trauma with all that pushing, flexible holes, self-willing swelling parts and cetera. And all of the sudden, here it comes my Loving one with a book in his hands named „Sexual education for 7-9 year old children“. Gift from above….. And I will adore and kiss your steps, won`t take ever your name from my lips….Give it! Right now!

So, we discovered that the one who`s name we shall not speak (and it`s not Prince/sign or Voldemort) but the one we call Mhhhhhmmmmm-thingy, boys use primerly for peeing, Ha ha ha, he he he, silly boys. Then we discovered that boys and girls too, when they are little older, get hair down there. Uuuuhhhhgh, I don`t want hair there! (though luck kiddo, but even getting lost in the forest has it`s avails, just be careful not to evolve fauna with the flora). Then we passed on a sexual maturity, with her real question: „What are they selling in a sex shop?“. BOOM,  BANG,  BAM, WHAM….. Excuse me?!?!?!?!?….And there goes child innocently explaining that her and her little friend saw the other day one of these shops and they wanted to get in because they can`t figure out what things are actually offered in a such a place. Weeeeeell, hmmmmmmm, you seeeeee, I meaaaaaaan, the people buuuuuuy, ahmmmmmmm…that….pretty-underwear-and-other-things-which-now-would-be-very-boring-to-you-and-for-which-some-adults-think-they-should-buy-it-to-their-sweethearts-with-whom-they-make-love-to-love-each-other-even-more. HA! Next question, please! Quickly! (….son of the…how in the world do they know about the dildo?!?!?!?)

And the she hits me with the next one: why do we have to avoid the sun when we get the period? „. What?????? Who said that???? Her mamma told her, she says, and after it she also said that when they get their period girls must avoid sun at all costs because then they bleed twice as much so now she is wondering what she shoud do during the summer?

To hell with her dim uneducated mother! What kind of nonsense is this?!? No sweety, that ain`t right. You don`t have to hide in caves when you get your period, nothing bad is going to happen, mummy just didn`t get it right. „Oooooh“, she says, „ and can`t you tell me why boys don`t cry?“ And there goes an intervention again, of course they cry, every normal man cries when he feels bad, you know, just like us, when they are sad, angry, or both. Even daddy cries sometimes. And your adored cousin Paul. „But my mom told me that real men don`t cry, ever!“. That mom of yours is a walking idiot, I`m thinking…What else did your mamma say?  „Weeeeell“, she goes “mom said that girls which are changing boys are whores and the boys that are no good are fags.“

 

Can you bealive it!?! But the kid had more of it: that she has to dress „well“ when she is going to the beach because nobody mustn`t see her tities (which tities?!? You`re 8, about which tities are speaking about?!?) or her tush, God forbid (what that she has to wear on the beach, a raincoat?). Then she said that depilation is very painful, that you have to hide from everyone when you have your period…. Incredible. That narrow minded mother of hers will make a a sexually deviant person, like she is, which won`t be able to love herself, or her future partner, or be capable to enjoy sex freely. Because that is disgusting.  All that. Including all the male population.

Then we are speaking about some programmes against discriminations and prejudices. Then you can hear us complaining that men are disrespecting us. No, no, my dear, you got it all wrong. Women are doing it, mostly, raising new generations of frustrated idiots of both sexes which just can`t embrace something normal, like their own bodies, delights and sincere love, labeling it like general shame and sin. Incredible. In this time and age…

 

P.S. what that mother needs is a genuine kick with a mace. Maybe, just maybe, then she would understand how backward she really is and let her child grow up in a happy and satisfied person.