Tag Archive: life


Have someone ever called you a cold selfish ….? And why is that?

 

A friend of mine called me yesterday very upset because someone is very mad at her. That certain someone is sick.The problem is that he stopped taking medications 3 years ago and, even more, he is not taking care of himself in any term, drinking a lot and doing nothing to help his body and mind. Now, that friend of mine was always there for him, day and night, in all the ways she could think of. She`s got lots of problems too, but she gave her best to the Sick one. And she had it yesterday. Because what is the use to try to ease someone`s life if that someone won`t help himself in any way?

I have backed her up. I have totally backed her up.

 

You see, I was the „duty officer“ almost all my life. The one which has the obligation to be at disposal 24/7. The needs of others were always before my own because that is the way they taught me. Until one morning I saw that all of them have a life, a relationship, a marriage, children and a carieer and that I was left behind. Without any of that. Because my family role was to make sure that all of them get what they need. And the trick is that you are never good enough in anything you do and whatever you give is insufficient. It is the endless pit.

 

Oh yes, I tried to argue, trying to explain my position, telling that even the Constitution gives me the right to work at least, for crying out loud, but it always ended with big scenes and the  accusation qouting „How can you be so selfish? Poor Mary/John/Maria/James/Lily/Robert/Lind/Shaniqua/Mumtembe Kurtungue/ Changchang Li.…(please continue the queue, any name will do)…needs that!“. Oh really? And what do I need? Do I exist as a living breating being at all?!?

So I`ve decided that I will be just like that – selfish, whatever that would mean.

Yes, if someone of them really needs the help I am still here, but I won`t waste my time and energy on something like „Call the library and ask them if the new S.E. Phillips book have arrived. And do it now! Mary/Jane/Linda… is waiting!“. And why in the hell wouldn`t she pick up the phone and call herself?!?!? And that kind of irrelevant stuff, you know the drill.

 

So for it, I have decided to draw a line. A proper border, to be more specific. Here is your teritory, there is no man`s land, and there, you see, is my teritory. Anything to declare? No? Are you bringing anything which may be harmful to the Aqualand or it`s residents? Like everlasting guilt, constant accusations, insults or total disregard? No? OK then, enjoy your stay and remember to respect the enviroment. We are very proud of it, our high peaks and deep waters are beautiful but also very sensitive to pollution. Of any kind.

And oh yes, please make sure to be always properly dressed; this way up north the winter comes suddenly and you don`t want to get frozen or to be find under the avalanche for being careless, do you?

 

Respectufully,

 

your border guard Aqua.

 

Because I deserve it, 39.

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I hate the change. I really do.
I had too many changes during the past years and I greet the new one with the words which are probably not suitable for the daily programme. There are lot of F words, somebody sons and other inappropriate terms in my mental vocabulary for the past days. And I must remind myself to use them out loud because I have the headache from the moment I open my eyes in the morning.

I moved. Into a beautiful new apartment, all shiny and new, delightfully decorated (love the yellow tone in the living room), with nice shiny gadgets, with air-cons all over the place including the bathroom (oh, I finally have the bath tub again), lots of sun coming from the outside, nice large terrace, I`m surrounded with pine trees and the sea is just 3 minutes away. Beautiful isn`t it? Well, at the moment I almost hate every minute of it.

Why? Because for the first time in my life I left the city. The city, you know, that crowded noisy place, where the apartments are small, where you can see trees only in the parks, where you hear every word of your neighbours, where after finding a parking place circuling the block just for 10 minutes you open a bottle of champagne, where sometimes you can`t fall asleep because some moron decided that he felt like singing at 3 a.m. right in front of your building, the place where you need a helmet and a baseball bat during the rush hour, where nobody knows anyone and you are pleasantly cloaked by anonymity which comes handy in certain situations … you know, the city.

So, this morning, after opening my eyes and getting scared again because for the moment I couldn`t recognize where the hell am I, and getting the headache from it, suddenly Heraclitus came into my thoughts. You know, the Greek guy which was so fascinated by changes, the one I curse right now for the saying „nothing endures but the change“. Well you can take it and shove it in your @##!!!!!
And don`t give some Deepak Chopra #&!!!%&# either because I DON`T LIKE THE CHANGE. A-a, every damn time I move, I get completly stressed out, I bump into furniture for the first 3 months, I wake up jumping from bed, I am disorientated and as soon as I get use to the place and relax, something happens and I move again.

And I miss the city. Miss everything that was just a street away: shops, library, favorite caffe`, my friends, even the family…and the noise. You are not aware how that city noise is actually soothing until you lay in the bed at night and you hear…nothing! Complete silence! No cars passing by, no talk or laughter on the street, no music coming from bars, restaurants, other people`s cars or apartment, complete absence of all those machines which always rumble and you are never sure where and what are they. Nada. Niente. Nichts. Rien.
And you need the car for everything. You can`t just throw on your coat, walk for few minutes and get what you want, now I have to actually plan things. (and for some reason, I feel like a housewife from the 50s, don`t ask why, still haven`t figured that one out)

Yeah, yeah, I know, it takes time. But still, I am a city girl used to all ups and downs of a ordinary architectural beehive in which everything is here and now.

So dear Heraclitus, you dirty ol` …., here`s to you. There, I admit, I`m busted. I feel like standing naked on the strong wind wondering should I keep on trying to hold to the ground or just let myself fly away, wherever that wind may carry me.

Because I (it surely looks like) deserve it, 67.

P.S. one other thing, what`s with the weather?!? This is Mediterranean for crying out loud, what`s with the strong wind and snow?!? I dreamed of quiet walks by the sea under the pine trees with the gentle sun on my back, not that I would have to grab and hold the damn trees  just to get to the shop!

Happy break up!

It is hard. It is often unbearable. It hurts like hell.

But…only for first two months. Then you discover that the Sun still shines, that people are still living around you and hey, so are you!

Then after some time, you start to lough to yourself and your reactions. My last time was:

Day 1: We broke up, I called my best friend, she picked me up and took me for a good cry (you know, sobbing and crying „Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?“ to the skies) and then she drove me to her apartment where I found a bed with sheets with red and black hearts on it and a box of tissues on a night stand. A very own Heartbreak hotel only for me! Aaaaaaah, isn`t that nice?

Day 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7: Crying, sobbing, some cursing.

Day 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14: More cursing and really little crying. Lot of walking.

Day 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22,… to 30: State of reflecting (why in the world have I entered in this relationship anyway? Even a blindman could see that he didn`t have what I need). And little more cursing, of course.

Day 30 to 60: Well, well, well, there is life on Earth! And look, I am here too!

Day 60 to 100: Having fun. Really having fun! Going out (hangovers included), dancing all night, meeting new people, re-discovering myself.

And THAT my friend is why a break up is a good thing.

You know those trust exercises people do when you have to let yourself fall into another man`s arms? Well, you have to do it alone. What do I mean? You have to learn to trust yourself. You probably didn`t had an issue with trusting other people in the first place at all, but the problem you do/did have is trusting yourself. Yes, you may fall but you don`t have to be scared, you may easily prevent it, learn how to do it and finally if it happens anyway, to stand up again on your own.

My fall and rise was going like this: OK, this will sound incredible but I never learned to ride a bike when I was a kid. Seriously, I didn`t have the need and I wasn`t too interested. And I always felt a little embarrassed when someone told „Hey, it`s like riding a bike! You never forget it“. Yeah, right…Like I would know how it feels… So I took a friend with the same problem (his excuse is an ununsual one: his parents are hard intelectuals, they encouraged him to play chess, read, and stuff like that which made him a very interesting person, with two master`s degrees, but no common knowledge like….riding a bike). So we took a bike and went on a deserted place. And I tried. And tried. But I was so scared and paralysed from fear that I couldn`t let myself go. Then, a half-miracle happened: an old man came along with this timeless words of wisdom „You have to let yourself fall, otherwise you are never going to learn“. And I thought „What the….?!? Who do you think you are, Yoda??? What kind a cr.. is this?!?“ I mean really, can you imagine the cliche, an old man coming out of nowhere and saying that?

And I did. True, after and hour and a half but I did it. It worked. I pushed myself and wittingly throwed myself to the ground. And it was beautiful. A revelation. Hell yes, I had large bruises on my legs all summer but I it was worth it. Just after that, I sat on it again and….I  was riding a bike! Me, on my own, with nobody holding it, alone, by myself! Riding. A bike. Ha! Look at me, I`m going! Yipeeeeeeeee!

That thing brought me a package of goodies. For example, after that relationship disaster I had few others but I never felt that bad again. Yes, after the break up you will feel the pain but it will never hurt that much again. And you`ll be on your fee in a jiffy. And you won`t ever feel that lost, or desperate again. Why? Because it is always you. Actually, it really doesn`t matter who is the other person. You know you always have yourself and you know that you are strong, that you can do whatever you like, make mistakes, make some incredibly stupid things, but you can will always depend on yourself.

Because you are The One.

The One dragging the rainy clouds over and calling the Sun back again.

And one more thing, use wisely the grieving period, try to concentrate on yourself, it is you that you are sorry for, not him/her and not your lost relationship.

Then, have a blast.

Embarrass yourself, be wild, dance on the tables if you like it, get a tattoo, whatever, just have fun. Treat yourself with beautiful and nice things, tribute yourself in every chance you have, because you are worth it.

And make your break up period a truly remembering experience.

Because you deserve it, 45.