Tag Archive: inlove


The phone rings. With a cry for help. (literally, I`ve picked it up and heard „aaaaaaaaaaa“). A couple I know, friends of mine, demanded to meet because, I quote“they can`t take it anymore“. Well, when you put it that way….

They are together for, what, 4 months now. Total love, they say. Inseparable from day one, they sleep together, go shopping together, eat together, scream together…

And that is the problem.

They fight. Oh my God they really do! And the fights are brutal, sometimes they take all night. As they are both insecure, when the first one bites, the other one returns with heavy artillery. Not even thinking about it. After all this time, it have become a habbit, a reflex move for both of them.

One of the things on which they are proud is that they talked, reported and recounted everything to each other. Whole emotional and sexual past. With all the juicy details…hm. Bad move.

The actual problem is:

-she have declared that her ex, with whom she spent several years, is still in her heart, as a good friend and a nice person, that they call each other from time to time, and blah blah blah…. Ooooooooooooh woman! You… you…. you….did what?!? You can`t say that to HIM!!! What is wrong with you?!? First you tell him, illustrate him with all the technical details, what have you been doing, where, how long, how often and then you spice it with a „he is still in my heart“!?!?!

Who wants to hear that??? He is already dazed and doubtful! So what He actually heard was: „we remained close after all that time after the break up, because he is sooooooooo fantastic and if you make a mistake, if you even slip, I will pick up the phone and return in his arms (and bed)„. Ha!

And why, WHY, are you telling each other everything? What`s that twisted urge of exibitional massacre? That`s official and classical torture!

I don`t want to carry around pictures of my boyfriend with all his ex-s! No details, please.

Give me the basics – we-were-together-and-now-we`re not. Why the hell would I need all the details?!? I don`t wanna know how much fun did you have, how was the sex, how you did it, where you did it, where you`ve been, on which places, which excursions, how she cooked, what she cooked, your funny stories, your romantic tales, how much did you loved her and she….

I don`t ask for it and I don`t want to hear it either. That is cruel. Why would anyone fill me with this informations? Or why would I do it to somebody else? It is a bygone, a past tense and that is a good condition. For us.

We are here now, you and I, and let`s try to do and give the best that we can. Here, now. I don`t want 300 ghosts which will hunt us. I don`t want orgies with all our ex-s, I want just us. We are interesting and loving enough.

When you are pushing them between us, you are not close to me. You are fencing, enclosuring and protecting yourself with them. Be here with me. Let it go.

There, I said it. To them too. To Boo Fighters – the ones that are fighting with scarrying the loved ones away. Don`t be one of them `cause the failure is guaranteed.

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There is a guy. A nice almost perfect male individual.

I mean, we all have few faults, and how we have established before, perfection is boring.

Well the almost-perfect-guy was involved with another nice female individual.

For him, she was almost perfect: she took care of him like he was the last man on Earth, she paid attention on his sick mother, she was cleaning for him, washing, cooking like a proper chef at the French restaurant…And sex…Oh sex was incredible! She loved the same things and ways like he did. Lots of toys, wild sex on different places and times, playing roles with various costumes….

He is a proper-damn-I-look-good-slicker while she was somehow…let`s use the phrase uncomely: short, fat, with completly ordinary condone face.

The thing lasted a year, more or less.

Until he met the peacock.

She was gorgeous. I mean, the one that you just have to stare. But… She was a bit shallow. Her only reading material were advices from Cosmo, she was eating only creckers and yoghurt for days always scared that she may possibly get few grammes, pretty social (if you what I mean), spending on close much more than she was making. You know the type. But…she was hot. Damn it, she really was!

So he have completly lost it, left the Goodie but not-so-attractive from the start and went riding to the golden sunset with the Peacock under his hand. Oh he was in love! Like a little kid. Completly drunk from love.

Some 5 months after the Peacock unveiled that she was pregnant. Oh the joy! They got a perfect blond little boy, an angel really. And then….

WAKE UP CALL!!!! Helloooooooooo and smell the coffee!

She is always cranky, always on a diet, very grub and she is a lousy cook. And…he is not her type. He doesn`t earns enough, not for her needs, he`s not macho enough, and he shouldn`t expect that she will fall in live with him. Hm… well. He will still try, he said.

And sex? Cata-fuckin-strophic!

There is no sex. And if it`s there, it is terrible:

– she wants to do it only in the dark

– it must be very slow and very gentle

– it can happen only in the bed

– he has to announce it at least few days before

– before every time they have to shower and chew few mints

– he must never ever use the dirty words and he must reffer to her precious organ with the word „muffin“

…which we all found very funny. Knowing him and his affinities. Can you bealive it, The muffin?!?!?

….So we have suggested a compromise, told him to try to use the following phrases: Let daddy fill s muffin with his juicy vanilla cream,  honey open the evan and take my croissant… Yap, we had few laughs!

He didn`t. But he is beating the monkey every time he can, on all porns he can get. Alone. Because she thinks is disgusting. Rocco Siffredi is his best pal now.

And he whines for the ex Goodie. I bealive that we heard about 3000 times the story of how she dressed once as a nurse and he have nailed her right on the door. With a sad sigh in the end. And how she was wet every time when he touched her. And they would do it right there, not wasting any time. Without the foreplay. Hard.

Ah…

The only thing that is right now is good old Barbra with „Meeeeeeeeeeemoriiiiies……..“;-)