Tag Archive: heart


Isn`t it beautiful when people fall in love? You remember, the butterflies in your stomach, the sparkling energy which you generate like a smaller nuclear plant, the joy you want to share with the whole world. And of course, the changes you make to yourself – taking more care of your appearance and even polishing your little possible flaws. You know, like saying you absolutely love how your chosen one enjoys football. Everything just to be more likable to the object of your infatuation.

And like they say, it is all fair in love and war. Well, at least until that love really grows into a war.

Robert was a fairly reasonable guy, but 10 years ago he met Diane and deeply fell in love. The feeling was so strong that he couldn`t wait to marry her. She was the one, the perfect one for him. So only 5 months after, they organized a small ceremony and exchanged the rings in front of the family and close friends.

But what Robert didn`t expect is that his loving Diane has also brushed her character flaws and interests. Just like he did in the beginning. Time was passing by slowly, discovering how different they really were. He really enjoyed in martial arts, becoming a real sensei as the years passed by, and she hated the physical activity so much that his enthusiasm made her hate herself. He enjoyed literacy so much that he started to write himself, while she spent her time watching the soap operas every afternoon. Robert adores children and started to feel quite unhappy realizing that Diane wouldn`t even think of having them. While his spiritual side is something he cares about, Robert led his life just trying to be a good person, but without visiting the God`s house. Diane, on the other side, found that she liked going to church a few times a week. And resented him for not going with her. The list goes on and on.

So they decided to split. For good. Before the hate becomes their only mutual connection.
All this time, the whole 10 years, Robert hasn`t said a single ugly word about Diane or their life. Not to her, not to anyone else. His parents thought him that being a good man means also to be kind and civilized and to always defend your family. And for long ten years, Diane was his family.
A month ago, my phone rung. I answered and heard:

„I did it! I finally did it!”, Robert yelled on the other side. „The marriage is over, we signed the papers and I said it!”

„Said what?”, I asked, completely confused.

„I said: Diane, %#& you! Did you hear? %#& you, Diane!”, he shouted.

„Ahm, I`m sorry, what? What`s the big deal?”

„Because now I can finally say what I feel!”

As it turned out, through all those long years, he never came even close to say what he really thinks or feels. He didn`t allow himself to do it. When I asked why he kept quiet, he said that it wasn`t appropriate. To swear in front of his own wife. Because, according to him, he didn`t want to hurt her feelings. Like the divorce wouldn`t.

We are talking about the freedom of speech, but forget to take that right in our own intimate universes. It is important to say it, to express our feelings and elaborate our stands. Even if it`s a bad and ugly word.

So take that right. Say it. Just let it out. Maybe it`s not appropriate all the time, but sometimes that one word means freedom. For your close ones and for yourself. And maybe that ugly word will give the future to your whole life story.

Because you deserve it, dammit, vol.197.

from the bottom of the heart

 

 

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Long, long time ago, long before our time, the courtship rules were very clear. For example, the ladies had dance cards on which the interested male representatives could write down their names with which they would express their unambiguous interest for a certain female soul. And they had no dilemma.

Now, the situation is far more perplexed. Say that you like a certain male individual for some time now. You`re looking at him and he, sometimes, looks at you. After few eons, you actually interchange few words. And there you decide that he is not just hot, but also funny. Like a true and proper gal, you already start to project flashes of your pink and peachy future: two of you taking a walk in the sunset, with bumblebees buzzing around you, happy sparrows above you, and you… you are laughing happiliy… he brings you flowers and you kiss him in return with tears in your eyes, then you lick the strawberry icecream together…then you buy a condom with banana flavour…then he licks you only… You know, idyll.

And than one day….beep…beep…beep…WAKE UP CALL!

From a friend of yours you hear this words:

You know…I don`t think that he is…hm…right for you...“ – says him peskily

How do you mean?“ – you ask vexedly

Well…. I think he`s gay….“

And… the music stops. With all those butterflies and bees dropping to the floor and the birds flying away.

What?!? How do you mean gay? No, no, no, gay is not ok! How can he be gay?!?!?

And then the friend starts talking, how in all those years that he knows him, nobody actually ever saw him with a girl. Which is really strange because the guy is incredibly hot… Right, he is well educated, and funny, and sympathetic but somehow just too subtile. On all your and others flirting in the past few years, he always responded kindly but distanced… Hm…Right, this is it, he is gay! How you couldn`t see that???

Damn!…And you give up.

You can`t fight the nature forces, can you!

But then, few months after it, one day walking down the street you bump into him. And gues what is he holding in his hand? Not a bag, not a dog but a woman`s hand with a belonging body (and a pretty one too). Ha! You didn`t see that one coming, didn`t you? Sooooo, Mister I-would-do-you-and-maybe-your-brother-too is not gay after all! And again, ha! Son of the…

What the hell happened? Hooooooow you could made a mistake like THAT?

There are only 2 solutions:

– or the guy has too much integrity and he just wouldn`t be with anyone,  unless he really really likes her, which sounds somehow fantastic, because it blows down the theory that a guy will score, even with his eyes closed, just because he can

– or he`s got a particular sense for beauty and sex appeal (for example, I know a guy who thinks that Olympia Snow is pretty hot. He is into her and you can`t do a thing about it)

So, what do you do? How can you really tell if you really have something, if you really click or not? And how in the name of God you may know if he plays for your team?!?

The answer is… feel it. No really, you should feel it. When two individuals of the opposite sex meet – there is always a certain tension in the air. Don`t ignore it. This is how you can tell.

(I remember a cousin of my ex, a tough guy, heavy metal fan, all pierced up, with about 1000 tatoos on him. When I said to my ex that he is gay, he just laughed about it… but then, after few years, the heavy metal wrecker exposed his Cher side to the world. Everyone were shocked. But I know when we met, that there was nothing, the air between us was… tepid. He didn`t emit anything)

So, the messagge is – listen to yourself. Always. Ignore the learned and listen your heart.

Or you may just say- spit it out, Nancy! Yes or no?!?

 

I don`t belong here.

In the present time.

I have dropped, through some odd channels, in this time and now I am trying to manage. And it`s not like I manage so far.

The thing that really bothers me is intimacy. There is none. I mean, I do have my own but someone else`s are constantly getting in my radius. I knowwhat to do with them when somebody brings it directly to me but what should I do, in this age of communicational wonders, when one of it just flops into my life?

Here`s the thing – I was Facing on Facebook. Just wondering around, answered few messagges, watched a video or two and right when I wanted to leave…boooooom! I read that someone from my family was just left by his „better“ half. I mean freshly left, half an hour ago. And the „better“ half who left is whinning, coursing and shitting right there, on the Face. So very…. from it.

And now what? What I am supposed to do? To call the member of the family front, asking how is she, if she needs anything? And what if she asks me how I know about it, I can`t say „I saw it on Facebook“!?! What kind of approach is this?!?

And why in the devil`s name are people publishing it? What happened with the intimacy of  intimacy? And I don`t understand what should we do with such information, to call – or not call, or to play dumb and deaf in the personal discomfort behind the screen, completly ashamed with our bare presence in such a delicate moment in someone`s life?

Fuck such a reality.

Real people in real time… Right.

Then a thought came to my mind.

It must have been wonderful.

It must have been a paradise.

It must have been truely amazing when people waited for a whole month to get some news. When a love letter was expected with sweet longing for weeks, tapping with feet every morning wating for the mailman… When bad news came with big delay and huge pauses, because no matter how many they were coming, people still had at least some time between each of them to recuperate. When people spoke about this things privately, with a possibility to give and take a simple hug. And comfort.

Back then, you knew that something was said exactly to you, not to the whole world.

Back then, only extremly urgent things have required a super fast notice with the carrier pigeon.

And you felt shitty only when that far-flyer would drop his teret on your head, not like this, when anyone can shit out it`s inward and mess himself, his near ones and the ones that really have nothing to do with it.

Without offering some Kleenex…

General bullshit, that`s what it is.

Facing the twitter…Ha!

What I will do is… Well, I will keep on doing what I did till now – if someone tells me something personally, I will react, if not – nothing.

Above me there`s an attic with few generations of pigeons. Lovely birds, by the way. They may represent peace, love…They can tweet….or shit, if it`s necessary. And they are doing it regardless of others. No hard feelings – they felt it and drop it.

Just there. Just like pigeons. Just like plain common birds. Just like millions of them who can`t see the difference between their private shithole and a public wall.