Tag Archive: health


The drinking problem

I`m Aqua and I have a drinking problem. (now you go „bravooooo! clap clap…“). No, it`s not that I am spilling the drinks every time I take a glass but I am having a serious problem with the alcohol. The odd one, but still.

The thing is that I can`t drink anymore. I do try, every now and then, but the result is always the same, after one drink, sometimes even before I finish it – I get a proper hangover. For example: one glass of wine means that after 15 minutes I will get a bad headache and max 2 hours later I will be passionately hugging the toilet bowl like a good old friend which I haven`t seen for ages. And I will stay in this position for hours. Then, for the next 24 hours, I will feel like I had 14 shots of vodka, 4 glasses of homemade schnaps and 2 bottles of Merlot from a very bad year. And maybe 3 beers more, just to be on the safe side.

Why? I have no idea.
I was a normal social drinker, nothing too much or regular. It just happened some time ago. And no, it`s not alcohol intolerance, because when you have that, you get properly drunk after a smallest glass of alcohol, which I don`t. I am completly sober with an absolute hangover.

So, after carefully preparing the performance to my doctor (the approach: „Doc, help me to become an alcoholic!“ wasn`t an option) from all points of view, she gave me an advice. Quoting: „Well….don`t drink for couple of years than try again“. Well done Yoda! That is brilliant! I would never think of it by myself!….#?%#!©!!!!!!!!!!

The thing is that I would really like to share a bottle of wine with my Loved one again. And that I would really like to spend some time out, without getting a decent headache from loud music. Yes, it has to be loud, I am a typical product of a rebel teenager, meaning that I still like alternative music, from metal to punk. Good jazz is more then welcome but I really enjoy quality noise.
And not taking a drink or two means that I will suffer. Don`t know if you have noticed, but alcohol, among other things, is blunting your sensitivity for loudness so that if you visit a punk concert you won`t feel so good. Once I went sober on a punk wedding once and trust me – that wasn`t a good move. I got a terrible headache and nausea which would pass every time I left the room. Yes, I tried it that night dozens of times, just to confirm the experiment. And it`s true. Take it from Dr.Aqua.

So, for it I have become a social outcast. A strange, weird and odd person, which won`t go out and mingle like normal people do. And to be sincere, I had it. I love to go out, I love to mingle, dance (or at least do what I call dancing), sing out loud and generally enjoy. I don`t think that`s fair. Not for me, anyway. I just can`t see myself as someone`s old aunt sitting at home with a cup of tea.

So, if any of you had or have similar problem, let me know and help the woman to become a convivial and diverting part of the society again.

P.S. friendly advice, if some doctor ever asks you „Do you drink alcohol?“ always, but always, answer with a big NO. This naive fool have answered once „Oh, here and then, you know…“ which left me with a permanent remark of a semi-alcoholic in my official chart, making me embarrassed every time when some doctor sees it and asks „Oh, I see it now….So, how many drinks do you have per a day?“ Incredible.

You know those sick bastards (and I`m sure you do) which are hiding and beating behind the bushes? That perverted type which is addressing you with a larynigitic voice „I would fuck youuuuuuuu...“ then following you home? The one which is jerking off and running after you in the same time? Those sorrowful creatures which you discover in almost every block when the night falls and on every beach during the summer?

The ones for which today you never go out alone at night, avoid walking in the parks or, God forbids, on some strange quiet alleys. Terrible, isn`t it?

But have you ever asked yourself what made them that way? Well, maybe this is the answer.

I`m sitting in a pretty pleasent company, on a house party, sipping some nice wine. And there we are, a bunch of laid back friends and new kith, joking and talking… You know how those things go. Like I said, I`m sitting cosily and bibbing my Chardonney, feeling fine, when out of the blue, one broad, a woman and a mother, starts with her dilemma:

Woman/mother: „I real think there is something wrong with our kid…..“

Audience: „Why? How do you mean?“

Woman/mother: „He˙s not jerking off!“

Audience: „?!?!?!?“ (how should you react on such a statement anyway?) …“Hmmmm…weeeell…hmmmmm…How old is he?“ – we ask embarrassingly.

Woman/mother: „12“ – she says.

Audience: „How do you know he`s not…you know….beating the monkey?“ – we ask again blinking in abashment.

Woman/mother: „I check! Every now and then, I crash suddenly into his room or bathroom and I still have managed to catch him!“

JESUS! Holy…Say what?!?!?

I almost dropped the glass! WTF?!?!? She does what?…It`s…You`re…Unbelievable!

No wonder he`s not jerking off! How could he, poor thing?

How in the world she doesn`t sees how traumatic it must be to the kid, all the time living in the fear if his mother will fly in the room (or bathroom) while he is whacking?!?

Can you imagine what must be going in his head: there he is, cockering his little friend, his little pride and joy, dreaming of some delicious chick and her nice big boobs, just him and his right hand working together, and he feels fiiiiiiiiiine, yeah, ….that`s it….he`s almost there…oh yes…there he goes…oooooooooooh….and his mother comes bursting in! He would…he would… he would die!!! Jesus! To get caught in that age by your mother while you are masturbating!

And if he is not doing it, he surely doesn`t do it because of her, for crying out loud! Because he never knows when the perverted sicko of his mother will crash in like SWAT! And what would she say if she would „catch“ him? You`ve been punked?!? Or: let mamma see if you`re doing it properly?!?

What a control freak. What in the world do you have to do with his little ding-dong? Of course he`s not normal, how can he be? When every time he feels that strange but pleasant arising, he remembers his mother. Thinking how she will enter in the room right at this moment. Cathing him in the middle of the performance. Give the kid some privacy!

What a world! And then you ask how the perverts are made. In this very way, dear respected woman/mother! When a healthy, delightful and above all joyful act becomes a traumatic experience caused by such a parent! Who wants to think of his mother when he`s doing it?!? What a freak!

I am sincerely hoping that I won`t meet her again so soon. Or her kid, when he grows up, when I think of it.

Boobs on the loose!

It`s cold. So cold that your nipples look like you`re just headed to some porn editorial. Which reminds me on a story from last summer…

I have boobies.

They are not huge but I do have them. Two, to be more precise. They are round and each has a small brown nipple. I take care of them the best I can: I wear a bra worried about future gravitational issues, put moisturizing cream on, massagge them from time to time….And I love them. To me, they are very beautiful.

Every now and then, me and my boobs are going to the beach. We usually pick one which is at least few miles away from the „regular“ beaches, somewhere where we can enjoy in silence and solitude without too much noise and hussle. And there we feel fine. We are absorbing sunshine in our pores, swimming, churning…. Just fantastic!

So one day, me and my boobs, went to our usual source of marine blessings. We came, took  the clothes of, and accomodated. Aaaaaah, gorgeous! And we did enjoy, for an hour or so. Then, all of the sudden, I heard some noise. Oh, some people are coming! Two young families, to be precised. Lovely. So much for the peace, quiet and relaxation, but then again we have all support the birthrate boost. I decided to endure the screaming and crying and running and splashing. And everything was alright until one of the young mothers, I emphasise YOUNG not some old nun, haven`t noticed my boobs. Her young husband have also noticed them but his look was expressing curiosity and amusement while hers was full of hate and personal animosity sending the messagge „Really, from all the places in the world, you had to strip HERE you bitch!?!?“. (I must add that I live in Europe, where topless is usually a very common thing, God bless)

The young mother then started to throw children`s toys, swear and curse, something about „boobs on the loose“. And I do bealive, according to her behavior, that she was the only who heard the message transmitted for my boobs, who were probably chanting something like „la la la, we`re out and there`s nothing you can do!“.

I was confused: why such hate, maybe the young mother doesn`t have one? But no, I saw them, they are far more bigger then mine! Trapped in cloth, but they are both beautiful, healthy and romp. Hm… You see, I have other parts of the body: head, neck, legs, arms…But they don`t seem to provoke anyone. Then I remembered – she must think that boobs are made strictly for one thing and that is lactation. And for that reason, you must keep them in pitch black, where nobody can see them. Every now and then, you may set them free for your legally bonded partner but otherwise, they don`t exist.

Fuck it! Where are we?!? Are we living in Iran, Turkey maybe?!? This is western culture, as far as I remember! What would your mother say about showing your tits in public? That it is a great sin? So must be the sex too, sex is yacky, you do it every now and then just to prevent your husband not to fly in somebody else`s arms. And boobs. These are dark secrets, and dark is the only place where they should be kept.

Well, this is my body which I love and respect very much. The same body that is given to me by my parents and maybe some higher power. And no, I feel no shame for it. And I never will. Next time do yourself a favour and go somewhere where people are sunbathing in raincoats. Just to be on the safe side. Made for all the uber-moral nuns.