Tag Archive: fun


The drinking problem

I`m Aqua and I have a drinking problem. (now you go „bravooooo! clap clap…“). No, it`s not that I am spilling the drinks every time I take a glass but I am having a serious problem with the alcohol. The odd one, but still.

The thing is that I can`t drink anymore. I do try, every now and then, but the result is always the same, after one drink, sometimes even before I finish it – I get a proper hangover. For example: one glass of wine means that after 15 minutes I will get a bad headache and max 2 hours later I will be passionately hugging the toilet bowl like a good old friend which I haven`t seen for ages. And I will stay in this position for hours. Then, for the next 24 hours, I will feel like I had 14 shots of vodka, 4 glasses of homemade schnaps and 2 bottles of Merlot from a very bad year. And maybe 3 beers more, just to be on the safe side.

Why? I have no idea.
I was a normal social drinker, nothing too much or regular. It just happened some time ago. And no, it`s not alcohol intolerance, because when you have that, you get properly drunk after a smallest glass of alcohol, which I don`t. I am completly sober with an absolute hangover.

So, after carefully preparing the performance to my doctor (the approach: „Doc, help me to become an alcoholic!“ wasn`t an option) from all points of view, she gave me an advice. Quoting: „Well….don`t drink for couple of years than try again“. Well done Yoda! That is brilliant! I would never think of it by myself!….#?%#!©!!!!!!!!!!

The thing is that I would really like to share a bottle of wine with my Loved one again. And that I would really like to spend some time out, without getting a decent headache from loud music. Yes, it has to be loud, I am a typical product of a rebel teenager, meaning that I still like alternative music, from metal to punk. Good jazz is more then welcome but I really enjoy quality noise.
And not taking a drink or two means that I will suffer. Don`t know if you have noticed, but alcohol, among other things, is blunting your sensitivity for loudness so that if you visit a punk concert you won`t feel so good. Once I went sober on a punk wedding once and trust me – that wasn`t a good move. I got a terrible headache and nausea which would pass every time I left the room. Yes, I tried it that night dozens of times, just to confirm the experiment. And it`s true. Take it from Dr.Aqua.

So, for it I have become a social outcast. A strange, weird and odd person, which won`t go out and mingle like normal people do. And to be sincere, I had it. I love to go out, I love to mingle, dance (or at least do what I call dancing), sing out loud and generally enjoy. I don`t think that`s fair. Not for me, anyway. I just can`t see myself as someone`s old aunt sitting at home with a cup of tea.

So, if any of you had or have similar problem, let me know and help the woman to become a convivial and diverting part of the society again.

P.S. friendly advice, if some doctor ever asks you „Do you drink alcohol?“ always, but always, answer with a big NO. This naive fool have answered once „Oh, here and then, you know…“ which left me with a permanent remark of a semi-alcoholic in my official chart, making me embarrassed every time when some doctor sees it and asks „Oh, I see it now….So, how many drinks do you have per a day?“ Incredible.

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December joys

I love winter. Really, I just adore that sharp promissing cold air which fills you with vivid energy every time you take a breath. I suppose I wouldn`t sing the same song if my homeland would be let`s say Siberia, but how I`m blessed to enjoy all the benifits of a „normal“ climate, yeeeeees I loooove winter. (By the way, just as an interesting fact: this summer I met few tourists from Siberia on the hottest summer day and I realized that they don`t sweat! Really, it looks like that their sweat glands are simply not developed, so I was waiting the whole time if somebody will faint, reminding them all the time to drink the water. Never seen that before ).

 

And I love the fun, the lights, sharp winter Sun, hugging the heaters, the hope, wearing caps and hats (have them in almost all colours and shapes), the Xmas ornaments and almost everything that comes along in December package. Except that brain washing with Xmas tunes in every, but every, shop, mall, fruitstand, tv commercial or even those hyper-Xmas lovers which have it on their cell phones. Where ever you go, what ever you do you`ll be attacked with it. Too much is too much people!… Where were we? Ah, the winter mirths.

Like every year, besides the summer, December is the month when you have tons of parties, concerts and all sorts of events you can think of. Except the Wet t-shirt contests, beach volleyball championships and beach parties in general. (must admit that we tried it few times when we were younger, strongly bealiving that the good vibes will keep us warm but miraculously it didn`t work out as we planned) Anyhow, December means fun.

 

But like every party time, it requires some precaution for those „funny“ things that it may happen, for example:

 

  1. Losing your windshield – two friends of mine found out that somebody have actually stolen their windshield while they were having the time of their life in a club. The funny thing was that they came out wasted, sat in the car and then after driving some 5 minutes they started to scream at each other „Shut your f…… window! It is freezing!!!!“. You can imagine the rest.
  2. Forgetting your spouse at the parking – this actually happened few years ago. A couple was in a middle of a shopping frenzy, trying not to forget all the food for the dinner, the gifts, and everything that comes along. Trying to save the time, they took separate ways, one went to buy the food and the other went searching for perfect gifts. Anyway, He came home, started the check the shopping list „…oil is here, so is the turkey, sugar, …but I still feel I forgot something...“. His wife, that was waiting for hour and a half on the parking lot. It is still funny.
  3. Sending your sexy Xmas edition photo to a complete stranger – no explanation needed. Except if you send it to a family member. Then you will have to explain yourself to the rest of your life.

 

 

There are many, many ways how you can embarras yourself and amuse everyone else during the holidays, but let`s try to keep it under the control and still have fun this year. It is possible. And you don`t need a miracle to make it.

 

I wish you all a happy happy Christmas!

 

Because you and I deserve it, 47.

 

 

U.S. of A as admi(nist)ration

Got a call from an European friend who would like to spend his vacation in Florida. You know, sun, Disneyland, hot chicks, cold drinks, bienvenido a Miami…Anyway, the guy said that he`s having trouble with filling the forms out, `cause his English is not so good and asked if I could help him. Sure, I said, why not!

So, a tourist visa! Never did that one before. Sounds harmless, let`s do it!

And so we started. Conference line style, I`m asking, he`s answering. And writting it down. And writting some more. And more… His mother`s name, his father, aunt, his postman`s shue number, favorite snack of the neighbour`s cat, probable winner of „So you think you can dance“, list of all cabbage cultivators in his area, number of pigeons in his birth town….

You got the picture. So, for that 7 days of vacation, somebody, anybody, must name it all. Even the list of all jobs he ever did in his life, with all the dates, his education from the day he stepped toothless in the school courtyard, everything. And I mean everything.

And that everything would even make sense if the last form wouldn`t be made of THESE questions, qouting: Are you involved in some criminal activity? Prostitution? Are you bringing explosive devices into US? War gas? Are you planning an assassination atempt? Are you a member of a sect? Are you a member of a terorist group? Were you involved in a genocid?

I am not kidding, these, and many more, are the exact questions. Check it yourself.

Watching it and thinking – what? Does somebody really answers, to any of this questions with a „Yes“?!? For example: yeeeeeeeah, sure, I am an active participant of 5 genocides, I am importing a nuclear device which I will smuggle using my 17 Ucrain prostitutes, which by the way have AIDS, in a way that first they will seduce the pilotes on my plane, the customs officers right after them, and then I will drug the customs officers which will unwillingly bomb the Senat just to cause enough confusion that I could shoot the president! There! Play ball!

But…these are the questions you must answer, no matter how stupid they are. You even have to give the address and a phone number of the person you will contact whe you arrive in the US. What person?!? You are going on the bloody vacation, for miserable 7 days, you don`t know anybody there, you don`t want to know anyone because it`s your vacation, the time when you want to be completly relaxed with no obligations to anyone!

But noooooooooo, you have to write a full name of your imaginary friend, his address and a phone number.

And yes, on every page they are asking the same question: from where are you coming from? Like you are changing your habitat every 2 minutes like a f…… Cylon which uses superluminal jumps through the galaxy!

What do they expect, that after it you will be so pissed off that you will just send to hell them and whole America and change your desired vacation destination with some other, more resonable country? Or that you will be so irritated that you will answer „yes“ to all the questions?

One more thing. As soon as you start to fill it out, after signing your name, right under it, there is a filling line named „SEX“. Right there, you may answer with „Yes please, plenty!“. As long as they are f’***** you that way, you may show them that you are doing it harder.

Incredible.

I really wonder WHO is writting this things? What are they, 5?!? For crying out loud, is it so hard to make a decent form? You know, for normal people. Really, what are the odds that you will meet a retarded terorist? Or an intelligent bureaucrat, when you think of it?