Tag Archive: family


Have someone ever called you a cold selfish ….? And why is that?

 

A friend of mine called me yesterday very upset because someone is very mad at her. That certain someone is sick.The problem is that he stopped taking medications 3 years ago and, even more, he is not taking care of himself in any term, drinking a lot and doing nothing to help his body and mind. Now, that friend of mine was always there for him, day and night, in all the ways she could think of. She`s got lots of problems too, but she gave her best to the Sick one. And she had it yesterday. Because what is the use to try to ease someone`s life if that someone won`t help himself in any way?

I have backed her up. I have totally backed her up.

 

You see, I was the „duty officer“ almost all my life. The one which has the obligation to be at disposal 24/7. The needs of others were always before my own because that is the way they taught me. Until one morning I saw that all of them have a life, a relationship, a marriage, children and a carieer and that I was left behind. Without any of that. Because my family role was to make sure that all of them get what they need. And the trick is that you are never good enough in anything you do and whatever you give is insufficient. It is the endless pit.

 

Oh yes, I tried to argue, trying to explain my position, telling that even the Constitution gives me the right to work at least, for crying out loud, but it always ended with big scenes and the  accusation qouting „How can you be so selfish? Poor Mary/John/Maria/James/Lily/Robert/Lind/Shaniqua/Mumtembe Kurtungue/ Changchang Li.…(please continue the queue, any name will do)…needs that!“. Oh really? And what do I need? Do I exist as a living breating being at all?!?

So I`ve decided that I will be just like that – selfish, whatever that would mean.

Yes, if someone of them really needs the help I am still here, but I won`t waste my time and energy on something like „Call the library and ask them if the new S.E. Phillips book have arrived. And do it now! Mary/Jane/Linda… is waiting!“. And why in the hell wouldn`t she pick up the phone and call herself?!?!? And that kind of irrelevant stuff, you know the drill.

 

So for it, I have decided to draw a line. A proper border, to be more specific. Here is your teritory, there is no man`s land, and there, you see, is my teritory. Anything to declare? No? Are you bringing anything which may be harmful to the Aqualand or it`s residents? Like everlasting guilt, constant accusations, insults or total disregard? No? OK then, enjoy your stay and remember to respect the enviroment. We are very proud of it, our high peaks and deep waters are beautiful but also very sensitive to pollution. Of any kind.

And oh yes, please make sure to be always properly dressed; this way up north the winter comes suddenly and you don`t want to get frozen or to be find under the avalanche for being careless, do you?

 

Respectufully,

 

your border guard Aqua.

 

Because I deserve it, 39.

Advertisements

Once upon a time there was a little girl. As the time passed by, the girl grew up and become a woman. That is, she sure looked like one: she was tall, had a nice hair that she brushed entirely by herself, she had a job, her place to stay… all the grown up stuff. But the thing she didn`t have is a stable grown up relationship.

Hm…now that`s tough, her mother thought. „When you are going to find a decent  man?“ – she asked often, smudging the woman with that amiable varnish of expectation and guilt. And how mothers often do, she didn`t stop there: „Oh! Jenny, remember, Jim`s and Joan`s doughter, just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! And Stella, the one across the street, just got married for a lawyer! Ain`t that just great?!?“.  

Well, yippeeeeeee!

The grown up girl knew that she had a problem. It`s not that she didn`t want someone „decent“ it`s just that, somehow, it never worked with anyone. She tried and tried, got hurt, got scared, got bored, got physically satisfied, got frustrated, got angry but never got happy and calm. Finally, after all those years she started asking one question to herself – is it me?

The answer is – yes.

It is you, honey. And the only thing that is „wrong“ with you is that you`re scared. Why? Well, that`s an easy one!

Try to remember how many times during the years have you heard the sentence „Men are great!“? C`mon try it! Nothing? Try harder…Still nothing? Hm…

And know try the easy one – how many times have you heard the opposite? Aha. How many times have you heard it this week? This month? What about this year? Oh, that much.. And how many stories you heard showing it?…Hm…

Get the picture?

And then how in the world do you expect that you will enter in it with your hands and heart opened? You know, the parts that are actually required for a decent relationship. The parts you want form the other person too. That parts that you require also.

All jokes aside, but have you ever thought about all those scary things and „facts“ that they  told us when we were growing up? We heard it from out parents and our friends, which are now actually expecting that we have a „proper“ relationship. A marriage too, the one that it will last.

But nobody thinks that you got actually and deeply scared. Hell, they done such a  good job that you have already started to pick men for which you KNOW you won`t stay with. The ones that even on the very beginning you see that you really don`t have too much in common, so you decide to give it a shot knowing deep inside that it will be over. Because that way you are sure – men are everything they told you they will be. No surprises here.

 

So you wander around like Dorothy Gale (and gale you are, blowing away all the good things) searching for the one who will take you home (you know, that loving, safe and warm place) but scared as hell of all that lions, tigers, bears and what not. And why? Because you got the instructions. All the clarifications, interpretations and illustrations, teaching you to ski then buying you a ticket for a public swimming pool. And hoping that no harm will come out of it.

 

Click your heels Dorothy, and come home. Here men are sometimes sweet, often fun and always alive. Like you are. There are no smokey wizards, no made up animals or special effects. Just you and the whole shiny real world. Enjoy it.

 

Because you deserve it 25.

 

 

 

 

 

Rent a life

Let`s put it this way – you are single.

No husband, no kids, no serious relationships. Doesn`t matter why.

But what it does matter is: do you have your life?

Do you exist as a trashcan or as a full package individual?

Definition of the Trashcan:

– family and friends are calling you frequently but mostly, not for pleasantly spent time, but because they need something. Which means that your free time is consisted of running around for them and helping the „needy“. And they often need something. Because they have obligations and problems. Oh really?

You, who are single by definition, in their eyes, have so much time, you don`t have some serious shit going on, that`s why you are not so tired like they are, and therefore you have to be available.

The result? Your social life is on moribund. But the „needy“ are your close ones, so you can`t refuse them. And for all that „I am here for you“ attitude you feel important and needed.

Definition of the Full package individual:

– full package individual exists for itself. Which means that it`s life is fulfilled with personal obligations and passions, family gatherings and consultations are done at maximum twice a month, which applies for that needy friends too, the ones that are calling not just to help and support them, but because they feel lucky and satisfied to share their best with it. The time of Full package individual is it`s own, and it`s own only.

It is going out, it mingles, it has hobbies and it takes good care of itself.

Why the „Trash can“?

Because they are filling you with all their personal trash. Which makes them feel better. And that gives you the feeling of importance. And engaged into the Life.

All their messes, their shits, their joys, you are experiencing deeply emotional. Because this feels like the part of your life.

Well guess again.

THAT is not your life. Because, practically you don`t have one. You are vegetating, plugged to the life support. And to somebody else`s life support, not your own.

They have chosen the life that they are living, with all the obligations, problems, ups and downs, so let them take care of it. Let them manage it, swimm, dive or surf it. Because this, what they do to you, and what you permit to yourself, is not ok. It is just wrong.

Selfishness may have various faces and it`s not necessarily negative.

Because, face it, the things they want from you are very selfish. Even scornful. For now, your personal life is so less important that their`s. And with it, you as a person too.

So, what you should do?

Tell them to go to hell. Yes, they will be offended, possibbly angry, at first (remember . you are the one who teached them that this kind of behavior is OK) but with time – they will accept it. And you won`t be „parasiting“ on other`s lives no more. Because this is exactly what you have been doing.

Instead, turn to yourself. This is what it really matters. Instead of driving your aunts, someone else`s children, dogs, cats and grasshoppers, choose a drink or cup of coffee with somebody pleasent, a nice movie or just dance byself in your living room.

Then you won`t no longer ask yourself why are you feeling so miserable, why you feel exhausted and worn-out, and why are your sitting alone in front of TV when the night comes. And you won`t banging your head with the question „why I am feeling so down when everyone tells me that I am sooooo lucky?“. You won`t feel unsatisfied, nervuos and frustrated. But fulfilled, calm and alive.

So, here is a short message: get a life.

Your own.

Because you deserve it.