Tag Archive: danger


U.S. of A as admi(nist)ration

Got a call from an European friend who would like to spend his vacation in Florida. You know, sun, Disneyland, hot chicks, cold drinks, bienvenido a Miami…Anyway, the guy said that he`s having trouble with filling the forms out, `cause his English is not so good and asked if I could help him. Sure, I said, why not!

So, a tourist visa! Never did that one before. Sounds harmless, let`s do it!

And so we started. Conference line style, I`m asking, he`s answering. And writting it down. And writting some more. And more… His mother`s name, his father, aunt, his postman`s shue number, favorite snack of the neighbour`s cat, probable winner of „So you think you can dance“, list of all cabbage cultivators in his area, number of pigeons in his birth town….

You got the picture. So, for that 7 days of vacation, somebody, anybody, must name it all. Even the list of all jobs he ever did in his life, with all the dates, his education from the day he stepped toothless in the school courtyard, everything. And I mean everything.

And that everything would even make sense if the last form wouldn`t be made of THESE questions, qouting: Are you involved in some criminal activity? Prostitution? Are you bringing explosive devices into US? War gas? Are you planning an assassination atempt? Are you a member of a sect? Are you a member of a terorist group? Were you involved in a genocid?

I am not kidding, these, and many more, are the exact questions. Check it yourself.

Watching it and thinking – what? Does somebody really answers, to any of this questions with a „Yes“?!? For example: yeeeeeeeah, sure, I am an active participant of 5 genocides, I am importing a nuclear device which I will smuggle using my 17 Ucrain prostitutes, which by the way have AIDS, in a way that first they will seduce the pilotes on my plane, the customs officers right after them, and then I will drug the customs officers which will unwillingly bomb the Senat just to cause enough confusion that I could shoot the president! There! Play ball!

But…these are the questions you must answer, no matter how stupid they are. You even have to give the address and a phone number of the person you will contact whe you arrive in the US. What person?!? You are going on the bloody vacation, for miserable 7 days, you don`t know anybody there, you don`t want to know anyone because it`s your vacation, the time when you want to be completly relaxed with no obligations to anyone!

But noooooooooo, you have to write a full name of your imaginary friend, his address and a phone number.

And yes, on every page they are asking the same question: from where are you coming from? Like you are changing your habitat every 2 minutes like a f…… Cylon which uses superluminal jumps through the galaxy!

What do they expect, that after it you will be so pissed off that you will just send to hell them and whole America and change your desired vacation destination with some other, more resonable country? Or that you will be so irritated that you will answer „yes“ to all the questions?

One more thing. As soon as you start to fill it out, after signing your name, right under it, there is a filling line named „SEX“. Right there, you may answer with „Yes please, plenty!“. As long as they are f’***** you that way, you may show them that you are doing it harder.

Incredible.

I really wonder WHO is writting this things? What are they, 5?!? For crying out loud, is it so hard to make a decent form? You know, for normal people. Really, what are the odds that you will meet a retarded terorist? Or an intelligent bureaucrat, when you think of it?

 

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TV… such a powerful media. Everyone is watching it. Long, long time ago, on the television you could see only the ones who really had „something“ – good actors, giornalists, singers… Now, with all this reality shows and talk shows, everyone may get a chance to be on it. And some of them are really using it. Big time.

Some people would do anything just to have their own 5 minutes of fame. Even if they reveal to the world that they are peeping through te keyhole while their mother-in-law  takes a shower. Or that every now and then, they stick a corncob into their ass.

So that someone may say to them: „I`ve seen you last night on TV!!!“

They don`t mind the fact that they will completly lose their dignity and that they will probably spend their whole life labeled as freaks, sickos, perverts, or however they have presented  themselves to the world.

But nevermind, because the star is born.

To be honest, the „star“ had some… unpleasent feedbacks, because his wife left him after the show, his mother run off crying from the studio, his friends won`t answer his calls and his CEO manager called his boss demanding to fire the idiot first thing tomorrow morning.

While the „star“ is still blinking blankly with the stupid smile on his face. He fucked up his lfe but that information still haven`t arrived to his small brain. The only thing that echoes in his head is „…you`re a star, you`re star, you`re star…look ma`, I`m on the top of the world!“

I really wonder if those idiots heard the moron alarm while they were applying into the show, or at least when they were entering into the studio, to same alarm which would alert them that they are just about to the most stupid thing in their life? Or maybe, the narcissistic dose that they own, is so strong that it practically blinds all that is inteligent and emphatic in them, in the same time forgetting what shame and damage will it bring to themselves and their closed ones?

And let`s not kid ourselves – it doesn`t have anything to do with the money. The money is just an excuse.

And the measuring unit. Of the true fact – how much they appreciate their most valuable: dignity, selfrespect, family and friends.

They are there because they want to be somebody.

Even if that somebody is the biggest idiot in the country.

Didn`t want to be unfair towards men so here`s the alarm list of women which need to be avoided. For your own sake.

  1. The Squirell

 

So called Sweet and sour – sweet from the outside but full of bitterness and pure poison in the inside. A synonim for manipulation, easily slips under man`s The Bitch of the Year radar and for that reason it is the most common type from which men get hurt. She uses sweet and innocent look, ravishing blinking with her eyes, making you feel cool and bright, conviced in total control of the situation.

Big mistake.

Under a ton of carefully places candies, something else is hiding – a malicious and elusive bitch which will make dance as she`s playing. Foxtrot, salsa, mambo, hustle, acrobatic rock`n`roll…you`ll do them all. You will jump around, with a silly smile on your face, like an Easter rabbit!

When you wake up, it will be too late – she will own your ass. Think about it, isn`t it just too good to be true? You men are usually good in logic, we are human, you would have to know that we all have our good and bad sides, yin and yang, remember?… What you said? Oh, that she is so sweet, innocent and harmless!…Well…WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!

We are all good and bad, and if somebody insists on being only sweet, you HAVE to know that she/he is caring tones of poison inside which has to hide. Fact of life.

Amateurs….

2. Eternaly unsatisfied

So called The Crow will kljucati you for every little thing you can think of. And beyond. Absolutely everything you do or say just won`t be good enough. Even if she compliments you for something (on Xmass or some other major holiday) after it you will always hear „But…..!“. You will be always followed by her discrediting look, no matter if you are changing you carrier, a light bulb or a shirt. Face it, you just won`t be able to satisfy her.

We are all fantasising to do or say something which will result with the pride and satisfaction in partner`s eyes. This is why you will give all your best to make every day a victorious one. Well…it ain`t gonna happen. Nope. Never.

And in time, for stress and pressure, you will become more awkward and cubbish as each day passes, which will finally lead to inevitable disaster.

So, please, for the sake of the whole humanity, try to eat chocolatte, or do what ever pleases you to keep the stress down.

Or just leave.

`Cause this one…she would turn Buddha into raging terorist!

3. Perfect

She always looks great, wears perfect make up, dressed to kill, always knows when and what to say, doesn`t have any problems, always in control of everything, she is never late… Beautiful! Just perfect! Standing ovations!

So what can you expect living with her? Well, she is perfect and that means that you have to be perfect too. Translating: you will never use any dirty word, drink something as vulgar as beer is, you will have sex at the exact day and time that is agreed – never before and never after, you will never eat onion again (You stink like a pig!), never put a glass on a table without a coaster, you will always have to think carefully before you say something (Don`t embarace me!), you will never spend an afternoon or evening on front of the tv (Do something constructive!) and so on.

You`re with her, so that means you have to be perfect too. All the time, everywhere, anyhow.

Are you up to it?

4. Attention whore

So called „Forest brook“ – so noisy and so shallow! Extremly superfficient, flerts with anything that breaths, no matter if you`re present or not, it doesn`t matter. She always has to be in the centre of the attention, star of the every party, giggles a lot, screams often and loughs too loud. No matter how she looks, her selfconfidence is so low that this kind of attention is the only thing that can actually „feed“ her. Mostly with lower intelligence, this example often „jumps out“ for her body language which is provocative and cheap. Anything for attention.

She is usually with somebody who bealives to her every word and to the fact that only he, actually, truely knows her… Right…Until she runs into something something more appealing. A better audience. She lives for admiration.

The fact is that even when you do it with her she is thinking what impression that she leaves on you. She works on a principle of a moth and a lamp.

Usually, only the extremly dumb men are attracted to her. No harm to the rest of the humanity.

 

5. Motherly type

Huh….a bad one. By default, men like when a woman takes care of them. They adore when she cooks them, cleans to them, irons… And this is why they easily fall on this type. That thing that they don`t see clearly is that She doesn`t see them. At all.

What She does see is a completly immatured creature, totally incapable to take care for himself. So degeneric that he wouldn`t be able to dress in the morning if She wasn`t around. Without Her he would die of hunger, wondering around all dirty not knowing when and where he is going…

The only messagge that She`s got is: you are not a man, you are a retarded child. Without me you don`t exist.

If you don`t mind to be treathed like an idiot, knock yourself out.

6. Gold-digger

You better earn more than she can spend. The value of the man for her is estimated upon his ability to cash. Men are usually picking them aware of the choice. Fair trade – look beautiful, keep your mouth shot, do as I say and you will get what you want.

If you`re not Bill Gates, and you still want something like it for yourself, prepare yourself for big loans, followed by taking money from some really shady people and finally a long jail time. Don`t worry, she won`t be crying long after your change of address. Soon (like a day after) she will find comfort in another men`s wallet, pardon! arms.

Bless her.

7. Classical Eager-to-get-married

Very often speciment, it doesn`t matter who you are or what you are, as long as you have a finger on which she may place a ring. She actually not even notices you. You area totally irrelevant factor. Until it comes to the final phase, she will say and do anything. You are the smartest, most beautiful men she ever saw.

It`s easy to recognize her `cause she is stenjati as soon as you touch her stockings. Oh, how she wants you! You are so exciting! Right…

After the wedding ceremony suddenly you turn into a plain spitting and quirking object. Umjesto your name, her sententes begin with „That idiot…“. Sex is very rare and even if it happens starts with „Can you hurry? My favorite show begins in 2 minutes.“. Forget about the oral satisfaction cause it is pure SF for you now.

Stručno said, you`re fucked.

By the way, your mother in law will become a permanent inventory in your house, giving a push to your „loving one`s“ insults and nugging. Congratulations!

8. The Amazon

Her main line is that all men ar scum which must be punished. About 400 years ago someone have broken her heart and for that reason you`re gonna pay… Oh how will you pay!

Actually, she would like to be loved, somewhere deep inside (very, very, deep) but she just can`t let it go. So she is pljuvanje on you and on the whole male population. ..`Cause you`re pigs…All of you…Jerks…Worth only for hard labour and reproduction….Bastards..

She is indipendent, doesn`t ask too much care, and sex is mostly great. If you`re really patient, don`t mind to be stamp on every once in a while, maybe…just maybe, something will come up of it. But do it slowly. Otherwise she will bite your head off.

 

9. The Double Agent

So called Lady in distress doesn`t leaves the first one until she finds the next one who will take care of her. Every man has a irreparable flaw and there is always someone better out there. She`s immature and hard to please. Looking for a fairytale but it`s has to be written, played and directed by someone else. Mostly very femminine, she will convince you that she gave everything to the bastard that she`s with now, but he is so bad, doesn`t love her really…And she`s miserable, doesn`t now what to do… Oh but look, now you`re here and she finally sees the light at the end of he tunnel, ˙cause you`re so great blah, blah, blah…

She is so good at this that usually you won`t be sure will she leave the bastard for you or not, or are you more than friends or just…

Don`t kid yourself, in the same time she is chirping with 3 more morons like yourself. If you „win“ and get stuck with her….Well, too bad. You can only hope that she will leave you soon enough for some other victim.

10. Save me

Always week, a total parasite, she is looking for her daddy. She expects that you will take care of her all the time, that you will take all the responsability and decisions, so if anything bad happens – it will be completly your fault. As the time goes by, the Knight in shiny armour becomes a working horse which pulls for both of them, while she just lays on her back. Everything is too hard for her, complicated and unsolvable, but she has You, her hero, which will solve everything with such ease and a smile on his face….

At first you will feel strong, menly and powerful but after a certain period you won`t be able to shake the feeling of exhaustion and dispair. And then you may ask: who`s your daddy?

Because that is extactly what you`ll become – a father for a needy child. And you know how they call ol`bastards which sleep with a child? Yes, the P word. It is twisted and sick. Shame on you!

There, now nobody can tell I`m a sexist.

And one more, usually you may find several types mixed in one person. And that is a cocktail you really shouldn`t drink. Imagine the hangover!