Category: intimacy

Isn`t it beautiful when people fall in love? You remember, the butterflies in your stomach, the sparkling energy which you generate like a smaller nuclear plant, the joy you want to share with the whole world. And of course, the changes you make to yourself – taking more care of your appearance and even polishing your little possible flaws. You know, like saying you absolutely love how your chosen one enjoys football. Everything just to be more likable to the object of your infatuation.

And like they say, it is all fair in love and war. Well, at least until that love really grows into a war.

Robert was a fairly reasonable guy, but 10 years ago he met Diane and deeply fell in love. The feeling was so strong that he couldn`t wait to marry her. She was the one, the perfect one for him. So only 5 months after, they organized a small ceremony and exchanged the rings in front of the family and close friends.

But what Robert didn`t expect is that his loving Diane has also brushed her character flaws and interests. Just like he did in the beginning. Time was passing by slowly, discovering how different they really were. He really enjoyed in martial arts, becoming a real sensei as the years passed by, and she hated the physical activity so much that his enthusiasm made her hate herself. He enjoyed literacy so much that he started to write himself, while she spent her time watching the soap operas every afternoon. Robert adores children and started to feel quite unhappy realizing that Diane wouldn`t even think of having them. While his spiritual side is something he cares about, Robert led his life just trying to be a good person, but without visiting the God`s house. Diane, on the other side, found that she liked going to church a few times a week. And resented him for not going with her. The list goes on and on.

So they decided to split. For good. Before the hate becomes their only mutual connection.
All this time, the whole 10 years, Robert hasn`t said a single ugly word about Diane or their life. Not to her, not to anyone else. His parents thought him that being a good man means also to be kind and civilized and to always defend your family. And for long ten years, Diane was his family.
A month ago, my phone rung. I answered and heard:

„I did it! I finally did it!”, Robert yelled on the other side. „The marriage is over, we signed the papers and I said it!”

„Said what?”, I asked, completely confused.

„I said: Diane, %#& you! Did you hear? %#& you, Diane!”, he shouted.

„Ahm, I`m sorry, what? What`s the big deal?”

„Because now I can finally say what I feel!”

As it turned out, through all those long years, he never came even close to say what he really thinks or feels. He didn`t allow himself to do it. When I asked why he kept quiet, he said that it wasn`t appropriate. To swear in front of his own wife. Because, according to him, he didn`t want to hurt her feelings. Like the divorce wouldn`t.

We are talking about the freedom of speech, but forget to take that right in our own intimate universes. It is important to say it, to express our feelings and elaborate our stands. Even if it`s a bad and ugly word.

So take that right. Say it. Just let it out. Maybe it`s not appropriate all the time, but sometimes that one word means freedom. For your close ones and for yourself. And maybe that ugly word will give the future to your whole life story.

Because you deserve it, dammit, vol.197.

from the bottom of the heart



Being polite is important. Not sticking your nose in peoples
lives is essential. To remain classy and civilised in
great emotional storms is a life saver.
But what about our families, where are the boundaries there?

There`s a puzzled look on a girl`s face while she is showing the photo of a cute newborn baby on her cell phone. The cute bundle of joy is her new cousin. The parents named him Mark, as she stated, but she can`t tell much about him. Or about her new aunt. You see there`s a silent code in her family, almost an omerta, that there are many things of which they do not speak. Why? Because it is not appropriate. God forbid to show any weakness or become the new hot gossip. As she figured it out, from the crumbs of information she gathered, her uncle has left his wife recently and married a young girl. Which makes her the girl`s third auntie in the past ten years. The playful uncle got his fifth child, bless them all. His previous daughters won`t speak of it, her own mother built a wall in front of her and the grandmother refuses to say a word about the topic entirely.

Which reminded the girl about the curious event that happened five years ago. While the uncle was still married to his second wife, her brother suddenly died in a car crash. Our girl was given the strict instructions not to talk about it in front of their family. Especially in front of her cousins. As it turned out, they explained to the kids that mom`s brother left for a business trip. A really really long one. Back then the youngest was 11 and the older was 14 years old, but because of the family „tradition”, they still can`t reveal that the cheerful lad who was visiting them every week is in fact permanently gone. Sometimes she sees all of them like a well-trained circus animal, destined to play the show their whole lives, ignoring the pain and the scars, the fears, and worries. Because appearance and performance are everything, the public can not know anything about the inner nightmares. Just their excellence.

There`s an established tradition in almost every family to swipe the dirt under the carpet when the guests suddenly show up at the door. Usually, you take the dirt out when they leave, trash it in the bin and vent the room. And then you can breathe freely again, without stumbling on some covered clumps. But in the girl`s case, the carpet is raised too high. There are so many things creeping under it that is practically flying itself, eager to reveal all the unwanted garbage that`s been crammed over the years. And when that happens, which certainly will, the incoming avalanche will swipe even the good things they gathered. But who knows, maybe that will liberate them enough to be able to leave the old burdens behind, sit down on their own carpet and fly in their clear, opened skies.

I know that the girl from our story will. Her family taught her that, making her choose the fluency and airiness as her life ride.

Because we all deserve it, vol.192.

Remember normal family

We all know stories about arranged marriages when the family find the perfect spouse. And yes, we think it’s weird, unfair, ridiculous and humiliating. But what if the future bride arranges her own marriage?

She was 32, fairly good-looking, independent, willful and above all – sick and tired of dating. You know the drill: trying to look your best, to please, compromise, be tolerant, patient, interesting, funny, will-he-call-should-I-call-him-and-how-long-should-I-wait, hell, the whole popular package. Our heroine had really enough of it. So she decided that it’s about damn time that she gets married and leave the whole complicated dating scene. For good.

So she picks a guy, someone she’s been told that he is a good and reliable man, checks his Facebook page and… simply sends him a message. Something completely ordinary like: “Hi there! Would like to go out for a drink?”. He responds, they meet, she’s not pushy or complicated and then offers him to take another drink next week. He agrees, she seems like a pleasant person. The week after that they went on a simple dinner, then on a weekend out of town and before you know it, 3 months later, they started to live together. After 9 months she calls telling that they are engaged to be married. Just like that.

Through all that time, we’re all been baffled – how in the world you can just decide to get married for a guy you don’t even know, before you spent one day with him? Then she simply said: “Look, I knew what I want – a good, peaceful life with a nice man. And he is a nice man, so what’s not to love? I love him, our life together and our days to come. In the end, it’s simple, really, you love what you choose and I have chosen to be happy. Yes, I could chase rainbows for years, but a quiet happiness is what I really need.”

And she did it. She actually did it. Married the guy, had a son, and they are still living happily ever after. Because that’s what she decided, to be happy on her own terms.

You know what, after all those love shipwrecks, I can honestly say that she deserves every dash of joy she can get.

After all, don’t we all?

Because we deserve it, vol. Husbands choosing187.