We all like to think that we are decent persons. We may say to ourselves that maybe we are not perfect (but then again – who is) and that there is no major thing that we should change in our charachter, peronality and behavior.

I don`t know how about you, but through the years I have found (and still finding) some things that were needed to be changed, not just because of my close ones, but primerly for myself. Because it was, and still is, the right thing to do. Because I am feeling better with myself and with the world around me.

 

Just as an example, once, some years ago, I was invited to a dinner party. A good friend of mine was celebrating a birthday and among few of us, his daily musketeers, meaning my ex boyfriend and myself, there were also few people which I didn`t know and which were school friends of my ex and the birthday boy.

Well, they came, sat down and started to chat jocundly.

I say they because I was not.

I was sitting in silence for about half an hour, just listening and observing, and then I started to feel bad. Real bed. Why? Because I was feeling excluded, ignored and in every way erased. As the time passed, I was feeling more and more offended, angry and furious. Nobody was paying attention to me. Nobody was talking to me. Not even the one it should, like my ex. Of course, he was the worst possible companion at the time, not even introducing me, but his bad manners weren`t actually the problem – I was. I was on a party and should be having a good time.

And then, all of the sudden, sitting there, offended like a 16 year old southern belle, it hit me. I was just like my grandmother. Oh no, no, no, no… How could it be?!? I just can`t… But yes, I was…… Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!! What the….????

 

You see, I come from a long line of divas. The ones that must always be the centre, the ones which opinions and needs are always the most important. And must be obeyed or the whole world becomes a dramatic circus. And it looks like that without even knowing it, I was carrying on this „respectable“ flag of selfishness, „spoilness“, egocentrism and sulkiness.

And again, Jesus Holy…

Is this me????? I am really like THAT?!? Well, it sure looks I am. Yes, it is twisted, it is very unhealthy and it is unbearable. Why in the world would I be that kind a person?!? I have a choice: or to be mad at the whole world or the enjoy it.

And just like that, I was calm. Surprised for the epiphany, but I was feeling OK. It was a good liberating feeling. I introduced myself (no, that poor soul of my ex haven`t done a thing the whole evening to interconnect anyone because empathy just wasn`t his thing) and started to enjoy myself with others.

 

What`s the moral of the story? Well, like first, if you want to change someone else – think again. It is very hard to change ourselves, not just because we are creatures of habits, but because the most difficult thing is to admit that we have a malfunction in the first place. And more I`m getting older, I found things about me that are actually preventing a good start for being fully happy and content. And there is no one to blame but me.

Ain`t that fabulous! I can change things! By myself! Yippeeeeeeeee!

 

All jokes aside, growing is a process which doesn`t stops at any age. You have always some „little“ thing which you can do better or in a different way. It is sometimes very hard but it gives you the world. Your own world. The one which you can paint with your own colours.

 

 

And why we would do that?

Because we deserve it.

 

(yours truly, the ex 16 year old brat)

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