Got a call from an European friend who would like to spend his vacation in Florida. You know, sun, Disneyland, hot chicks, cold drinks, bienvenido a Miami…Anyway, the guy said that he`s having trouble with filling the forms out, `cause his English is not so good and asked if I could help him. Sure, I said, why not!

So, a tourist visa! Never did that one before. Sounds harmless, let`s do it!

And so we started. Conference line style, I`m asking, he`s answering. And writting it down. And writting some more. And more… His mother`s name, his father, aunt, his postman`s shue number, favorite snack of the neighbour`s cat, probable winner of „So you think you can dance“, list of all cabbage cultivators in his area, number of pigeons in his birth town….

You got the picture. So, for that 7 days of vacation, somebody, anybody, must name it all. Even the list of all jobs he ever did in his life, with all the dates, his education from the day he stepped toothless in the school courtyard, everything. And I mean everything.

And that everything would even make sense if the last form wouldn`t be made of THESE questions, qouting: Are you involved in some criminal activity? Prostitution? Are you bringing explosive devices into US? War gas? Are you planning an assassination atempt? Are you a member of a sect? Are you a member of a terorist group? Were you involved in a genocid?

I am not kidding, these, and many more, are the exact questions. Check it yourself.

Watching it and thinking – what? Does somebody really answers, to any of this questions with a „Yes“?!? For example: yeeeeeeeah, sure, I am an active participant of 5 genocides, I am importing a nuclear device which I will smuggle using my 17 Ucrain prostitutes, which by the way have AIDS, in a way that first they will seduce the pilotes on my plane, the customs officers right after them, and then I will drug the customs officers which will unwillingly bomb the Senat just to cause enough confusion that I could shoot the president! There! Play ball!

But…these are the questions you must answer, no matter how stupid they are. You even have to give the address and a phone number of the person you will contact whe you arrive in the US. What person?!? You are going on the bloody vacation, for miserable 7 days, you don`t know anybody there, you don`t want to know anyone because it`s your vacation, the time when you want to be completly relaxed with no obligations to anyone!

But noooooooooo, you have to write a full name of your imaginary friend, his address and a phone number.

And yes, on every page they are asking the same question: from where are you coming from? Like you are changing your habitat every 2 minutes like a f…… Cylon which uses superluminal jumps through the galaxy!

What do they expect, that after it you will be so pissed off that you will just send to hell them and whole America and change your desired vacation destination with some other, more resonable country? Or that you will be so irritated that you will answer „yes“ to all the questions?

One more thing. As soon as you start to fill it out, after signing your name, right under it, there is a filling line named „SEX“. Right there, you may answer with „Yes please, plenty!“. As long as they are f’***** you that way, you may show them that you are doing it harder.

Incredible.

I really wonder WHO is writting this things? What are they, 5?!? For crying out loud, is it so hard to make a decent form? You know, for normal people. Really, what are the odds that you will meet a retarded terorist? Or an intelligent bureaucrat, when you think of it?

 

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